By: Steve Horsmon
(This was originally published on the Women Approach You website.)
Writers are taught to always have an irresistible headline. Make your reader WANT to read more. Make them curious. Make them mad. Make them desperate to find out the solution you offer.
My headline implies I’m about to tell you why women only like bad boys who treat them like crap, right?
Now that I’ve got you to read this far, I’m going to explain why women NEED you to treat YOU as #1.
What Does This Really Mean?
This does NOT mean being a self-absorbed, narcissistic, selfish asshole. There are plenty of guys like that and you’re not one of them. How do I know that?
I’m pretty sure I’m right because the majority of the men I work with and read stuff like this have a long history of making every woman they meet #1.
I know this man well. He is NOT a selfish jerk. He LOVES women.
He worships at the feet of their beauty, their smell, their enchanting voice, and the sexy softness of their skin. He will literally quiver at the thought her desiring him.
He believes the only way to attract and sustain the presence and respect of any woman is to make her the one and only focus of his life. He tends to her needs and happiness at all times and at all costs. He genuinely FEARS her reaction to being disappointed with him.
His needs and wants will be met only if he is “good enough” to meet her standards of acceptable behavior. His absence of clarity of his own values, his own purpose, and his own passions cause him to adapt to hers.
And in her eyes, he slowly morphs into the most unappealing, unattractive man she could imagine.
She thinks of others. She imagines a man who might regard her as second in importance.
I lived most of my life in this self-induced hell until I found the truth. And it’s this truth that has led me now to working for YOU. Hi there, Boss
What’s the truth?
The truth is a woman can not help but honor a man who first honors himself by having the integrity to stand for and live by his values.
By “honor”, I am talking about a woman’s feelings of safety/security, respect, and ATTRACTION. She desires to be in his company. She wants to feel safety in the strength of his conviction and the adventure in his unalterable passions.
Can she also have her own strong values, purpose, and passions?
Of course she can. She must. It is THAT about her which makes her the desirable, high quality women you noticed in the first place. This IS the woman you’re looking for, I assume.
She has her own standards and knows exactly what she is attracted to.
She finds irresistible the man who makes his values, purpose, and passions #1 without compromise, discussion, or negotiation.
She knows beyond a doubt that it is only THIS man who has the masculine strength to confidently face her feminine fire without flinching. No lesser man will do.
It is only through his crystal clear path that he is able to not only satisfy but, but drench her with unconditional love. His passion for her is not tempered by her emotions. His ability to give to her is not governed by fear of rejection.
The only thing he has to lose is a woman who chooses not to accept him and his purpose.
There is no fear in losing people who do not want to be with him and his path forward.
He knows without a doubt he is every much the PRIZE she thinks she is for him.
Why Does He Attract Her So?
In my experience with talking with and coaching women, one pattern reveals itself constantly.
When it comes to both INITIAL attraction and SUSTAINING attraction for men, they talk about the tension of “polarity” between the feminine and masculine energy. What’s that mean?
David Deida writes about polarity in great detail and I highly recommend you start with his “The Way of the Superior Man”.
However, the best way to understand it is to LISTEN to how women talk about it.
- “I feel safer in letting my feminine energy out and being vulnerable to a strong masculine man who can handle it.”
- “I really respect a guy who is on fire about something and it makes ME excited”
- “I am so turned on by the confidence in a guy that makes me feel desired, not needed like a little boy might”
- “He won’t take charge of anything anymore. I hate to admit that when I feel a confident, loving man lead me I get horny. When he won’t – I don’t.”
You can debate all day long whether a woman “should” feel like this or not. You can argue about equality, mutuality, gender stereotypes until the cows come home.
In the end, there she sits. Feeling what she feels. They are HER emotions. Not yours. They are not up for judgment or debate.
So there she sits. Wondering why men have not yet figured this out.
What Does the Psychobabble Say?
According to Tony Robbins and Chloe Madanes, there are 6 Basic Human Emotional Needs. When I coach men and women, I ask them to look at these and RANK them in order of importance in their life. I then ask them to RATE each one from 1 to 10 with 10 being an “overflowing bucket”. Here they are.
- Safety/Security – feelings of being protected emotionally, physically, financially
- Love/Connection – feelings of romantic or committed love with another person
- Significance – feelings that you matter in the world
- Growth – feelings that you are learning/expanding your awareness
- Contribution – feelings that what you do is worthwhile and important
- Variety – feelings of adventure, mystery, unpredictability, spontaneity
These needs can change throughout our life and their importance can change. The degree to which we feel they are satisfied changes continuously as well.
When it comes to women who are trying to attract men or repair an unsatisfying relationship, another pattern emerges.
Out of the 6 Basic Needs, these women consistently rank Safety/Security and Love/Connection at the top. Even if they rate them at a 6 or 7, they still hold these two needs high on their list and desire more satisfaction in these areas.
What do they believe is needed to achieve their desire?
Another consistent answer is given. They sometimes answer with an embarrassed whisper. Sometimes they are strong and unapologetic in their desire. Sometimes they are downright angry to admit what their heart is telling them.
They want to feel the safety of an emotionally strong man. They want to feel the connection with a man who stands with confidence in his values, purpose, and passions yet openly shares his vulnerability.
He is emotionally available, but not needy. He knows choosing to meet her needs does not subjugate his. He knows where he is going and why.
He will not only stand up TO her, he will stand up WITH her and FOR her.
His attractiveness is not in his physique or appearance as much as it is in his unwavering strength, conviction and ability to give her the polarity she desires.
It his insistence on being THIS man first which draws her attention and desire to be by his side. She isn’t #2. If she belongs with this man, she knows that she is ALSO #1.