Why Self-Help Alone Won’t Make You a Confident Man
I know what it feels like to be in an intimate, romantic, monogamous relationship and yet to feel totally alone.
Especially hard at time of celebration or a time when you think you “should” be having a great time (but you’re currently not).
What I really want to tell you is, no matter what you’re going through at this moment, I wish you the strength, faith and clarity to know…above anything else…that your happiness is within you.
In other words, I wish you to find your “Inherent Happiness”. This is yours for the taking and is not found anywhere OUTSIDE of you.
I want your next few weeks to include the self-awarded gift of self-respect and self-reliance which form the foundation of your “inherent happiness”.
With that in mind, I also want to remind you that your happiness will not be found on the All-You-Can-Eat Self-Help Buffet .
Don’t think for a second that I don’t love a good book, video, podcast or 4-day self-help seminar.
In fact, I assign a LOT of that stuff in my one-on-one coaching program.
But there is a point of diminishing returns.
It’s like when I used to practice juggling a soccer ball for hours. I could go longer than anyone. I could balance the ball on my head while running. At first glance you would think I was a good player.
Early in my soccer development I spent more time ALONE than actually PLAYNG THE FREAKING GAME! And it showed on the field. My skills had never been challenged. My tricks never tested.
It wasn’t until I played hard with other guys that I learned what the game was all about. I couldn’t just have good skills. I needed teammates I could trust to challenge me.
I needed good INSTINCTS!
And instincts are created in the heat of the battle by being tested over and over again.
The moral of the story when it comes to self-help is that we MUST GET ON THE FIELD at some point. If you don’t, you’re likely to just buy another damn book that says pretty much what the last one did.
Watch this video for more about that.
Do you have good INSTINCTS when it comes to your relationships?
Are you caught off-guard and on your heels when facing conflict?
Do you feel like a deer in the headlights when challenged on your behaviors and beliefs?
Do you lose all your mojo when it comes to actually STATING what you want and what you don’t want?
Would you rather punch a hole in the wall when criticized than calmly step into the emotional storm with a calm swagger of curiosity?
If you answered YES to any one of those questions, I’m betting you’re not spending enough time with the right men.
You’re not sharpening your sense of self-respect and you’re not becoming CLEAR about what you stand for or what you want.
This is done ON THE FIELD with other men.
You simply cannot do this in the privacy of your own mind and in your own self-help library.
Scary as hell, isn’t it? I KNOW!
Even men who have been in my community for years sometimes “lurk” in the background of a live meeting or Facebook group. They quietly watch and listen to the perils and fears of others without getting on the field. It’s messy out there, I know.
But you will never feel more clear – more confident – more COURAGEOUS as when you finally allow yourself to be seen and heard by those you can trust. And guess what? They are craving to be seen and heard by YOU as well.
Are you ready to come off the bench? Ready to add some gasoline to your self-help fire?
There is no better way than joining our community of great men.
What is so “great” about them?
1. They have gotten on the field of brotherhood and decided to start practicing the fine art of vulnerability.
2. They are learning the subtle art of listening.
3. They are developing astonishingly RARE connections with other men who want exactly what they want from life.
4. And they are getting it!
We want you in the game with us. Seriously. We do.
Consider joining us in one of these ways.
Free: If you’re serious about building your masculine mojo then apply for a coaching call with us we will help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you feeling confident again.
What do I mean by “SERIOUS”?
- We take YOU and your struggles seriously…because we’ve been there
- We know being called needy is serious
- And we know a lack of clarity about how to change it is serious now and for your long term future happiness
- We believe your personal emotional strength and well-being is serious
- We seriously show up 110% to our conversations with you and expect you to be as serious as we are about changing your life
Free Guide: Where You Should Focus To Grow Your Masculinity
$69 Monthly Subscription: Join Dan and I in our Men’s Roundtable Group Coaching membership. We meet three times per month for live group coaching and we support you in a powerful group of men facing the same issues you are. Get instant access to 6 years of recorded sessions. Try it for one month. What have you got to lose?
$497 One-Time Payment: How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a self-paced course with me, Tim Wade, and a community of men learning how to lead when you’ve just heard, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” or “I want to separate or divorce.”
As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
You’ve studied long enough. It’s time to get on the field.
You may already understand the ideas but still freeze, react, or lose your voice when your marriage gets difficult. We help men practise these skills in honest conversations with other men who won’t shame them or let them hide in the background. That’s where stronger instincts start becoming part of who you are.
Talk to a coach →Q: Why isn’t reading self-help books improving my marriage?
A: Reading self-help books won’t improve your marriage unless you practise what you’re learning when real pressure shows up. You can understand confidence, communication, and intimacy perfectly on paper and still lose your footing during conflict. Information gives you ideas. Practice shows you whether those ideas have become dependable instincts.
Q: What is inherent happiness?
A: Inherent happiness is the sense of well-being you create within yourself instead of demanding that your wife, marriage, or circumstances provide it. It grows from self-respect and knowing you can rely on yourself. That doesn’t mean painful situations stop hurting. It means they no longer get complete control over your identity or your future.
Q: How do I build better relationship instincts?
A: You build better relationship instincts by practising honest responses while other people can challenge what you’re doing. That means speaking clearly when something matters, listening when you feel defensive, and staying present when discomfort rises. Instincts don’t come from memorising the perfect sentence. They come from repeated experience under real pressure.
Q: Why do I freeze when my wife challenges me?
A: You freeze because knowing what you believe isn’t the same as practising how to express it under pressure. Fear of rejection can make your mind go blank or push you toward anger. Regular, honest conversations with trusted men help you hear yourself speak, examine your reactions, and become steadier before the next hard moment arrives.
Q: Can’t I work on myself privately without joining a men’s group?
A: You can make progress privately, but solitude can also protect your blind spots and keep your ideas untested. Just as juggling a soccer ball alone doesn’t prepare you for a real match, private study can’t fully prepare you for disagreement and emotional pressure. Other men give you feedback and the chance to practise being seen.
Q: How can a men’s community help me become more confident?
A: A good men’s community helps you stop hiding and practise the conversations you’ve been avoiding. You learn by speaking honestly, hearing how other men handle similar struggles, and allowing your thinking to be challenged. Goodguys2Greatmen gives you a place to develop courage through participation rather than collecting another stack of advice.
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Have questions about your relationship?
Apply for a free, no strings, 90 minute deep dive personalized coaching session to help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you moving toward the future you want. We offer a unique form of Men’s Coaching and we attract smart guys who see through surface level hype and bravado. We hide nothing and hold nothing back. We know that everything you want is behind your fear and skepticism…just like it was for us.
More related articles for you:
How To Teach Your Wife How You Want To Be TreatedAfter All The “Work” You’ve Done…Why Aren’t Things Awesome Yet?
How Stop Walking On Eggshells Around Your Wife
This Habit Makes You Awkward Around Your Wife and Kills Your Sex Life
What To Do When Your Wife Wants To Separate
