Is Your Wife Acting Like She’s Not Married?

Is Your Wife Acting Like She’s Not Married? She’s never interested in talking or spending time together and affection is non-existent or cold and functional…

What are you to do when your marriage no longer feels like a marriage? This story may sound familiar.

Act married? What the hell does that mean?

I’ll tell you. It’s my article, so I get to define it.

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Marriage is, by my definition, a long-term, committed, romantic and sexual relationship.

Wait. There’s more. My rules, remember?

Marriage is also a loving, intimate and safe space where two people choose to learn and grow together.

Oh, and this.

Marriage has a foundation of unconditional acceptance and kindness anchored by shared personal values and relationship values including mutual support, honesty, respect, openness and trust.

Finally…and I’ve always liked this one…marriage is not a place to learn how to be happy. It is a place where we learn how to love.

Married people should do stuff like that.

They should ACT like that stuff matters more than anything else. Anything. Including kids, friends and parents.

But it’s not always that that simple, is it?

It certainly wasn’t for me.

Love is Patient and Love is Kind

The last time most of us speak of marriage with such reverence is just before the ring bearer shows up.

Wedding vows are stuffed with warm feelings and good intentions. But,they hit us like a drink of water from a fire hose full of “what to do’s” without a hint of help on “how to do it”.

Unconscious incompetence. We don’t know what we don’t know. And nobody is there to teach us.

We jump in the limo and head for the airport. The honeymoon is our first taste of our guaranteed lifetime of effortless happiness, fun and sex.

We SO got this.

Fast Forward Twenty Years

I received a desperate email from Brad.

Brad is a 47 year old married engineer. Really smart guy. Three kids, a 0,000 mortgage, a dog named Champ and one unhappy wife named Michelle.

Brad: “I need to talk. Michelle isn’t happy and acts like we’re not even married.”

Me: “What do you mean? Is she having an affair or something?”

Brad: “No, nothing like that, as far as I know. To the rest of the world we probably look fine and normal. She just doesn’t act interested in me at all. I’m invisible. We’re purely functional and I think she likes it that way.”

Me: “What do you want from her?”

Brad: “I want to feel like I matter. She doesn’t appreciate anything I do or bring to the family. I want to connect. I want to be treated with more respect. I want affection to feel natural and not a burden. I want romance. I want sex unaccompanied by eye rolling.”

Me: “Sounds reasonable to me. You want to be part of a normal, healthy marriage.”

Brad: “Exactly! I thought she wanted that too. Why doesn’t Michelle want to act like she’s married anymore?”

Me: “I don’t know. Let’s dive a little deeper.”

Deep Dive Into the Cold Hard Truth

Like so many couples, Brad and Michelle’s marriage started its slow decline shortly after their honeymoon. They thought they were pretty clear on where they were headed. But, being clear on what they wanted and expected with no clue HOW to create it was a recipe for disaster.

While they forged ahead to build a home, careers, a family and more possessions, their marriage predictably morphed into a team of highly functioning roommates.

Brad told me they had a long history of just trying not to piss each other off.

Their home was a minefield littered with “eggshells” and they spent all their time tip-toeing around each other. Michelle was “always mad about something” and Brad would always try to recover a shred of approval and affection. Michelle had become an expert at keeping Brad off balance with complaints and blame. Neither ever said what they were truly feeling or thinking.

I asked Brad if there was a time when there were no “mines” in the house. A time when they weren’t trying to catch each other doing something wrong. A time when they spent more time thinking of ways to make each other feel loved.

“Not really” he said. “Not for a long time. She says she’s just not like that.”

Why Michelle Isn’t Acting Married Anymore

She doesn’t know how.

She is stuck and confused.

She will boldly keep doing what she is doing and will pretend it’s all normal.

She has learned only one way to be married and is afraid to act any differently.

Her uncomfortable comfort zone is where she will stay until something changes IN her or something changes FOR her.

She doesn’t know how to change. So, she waits for change to come to her.

Guess what?

Brad is in exactly the same boat.

And the stalemate continues.

The Hail Mary Option

Marriages like this seldom have a spontaneous recovery where both partners wake up at the same time.

It’s usually one spouse or the other who starts digging in and wanting to do some serious work. They are ready for a change and are willing to risk being the one who goes first.

This is your Hail Mary Option. If she is stuck, it’s your only option.

Decide to be the one who goes first.

No matter what she is saying or doing, choose to take yourself and your marriage to a higher level. If anything is going to change it will because YOU decided something new will come out of YOU.

Learn the ropes on HOW to be a consciously competent man. Screw the consequences.

Discover the masculine power in BEING patient and kind while refusing to walk around anymore mines in the house. Stand up for yourself and the marriage you want.

Feel the strength and confidence that comes with your choice to give respect, appreciation and affection first.

Get clear on how to ask for what you want without feeling guilty or emasculated.

Marriage isn’t a place to learn how to be happy.

It’s where we’re supposed to learn how to love.

Join our group coaching and get to talk to other men who have been through the pain you’re experiencing right now and come out the other side, more confident, more deliberate and with new skills that enable them to create a totally different future.

Or fill in our inquiry form for a completely free, life changing conversation with me where we go deep into what’s really causing the disconnection in your relationship and what you can do immediately to change what happens next.

Frequently Asked Questions


Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

  • Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
  • Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
  • Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
  • Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
  • Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
  • Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
  • You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
  • Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

  • You won’t find negative, hateful language.
  • You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
  • You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
  • You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
  • You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

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