A trustable husband is relaxed. He’s calm. He moves with slow intention. The paradox is, he gets more done by facing demands with smooth, deliberate, calm intention.
Yesterday afternoon I was pushing myself to finally finish the metal roofing on the new She Shed/He Shed.
I knew I still had to do my weekend video and newsletter and I was worried about my waning energy level.
Trying not to fall off a slippery metal roof apparently takes a lot of muscle groups!
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So there I was…finally back in the house feeding dogs, horses and then myself. I stared at the computer thinking “I MUST get that video and article done!”
I’ve made this commitment for years and I wasn’t going to fail now – I’m still trying to prove to myself that I’m not a slacker and I follow through on my word.
Then I fell asleep!
When I woke up a few minutes later I said, “Dude, you’re pushing too hard. Make the video in the morning. Do it at sunrise. Go to bed. Nobody will hate you.”
Then seeing the sunrise this morning suddenly gave me all the energy, enthusiasm and desire I needed to shoot my video.
The topic became crystal clear.
I’ve always loved the counter-intuitive phrase…
Sometimes you must slow down in order to speed up..
This morning I knew exactly what slowing down meant.
So with my wrinkly morning face I just made this article and video about why we men suck at relaxing.
Men…Anxiety…and Why We Suck at Relaxing!
“To be fast, smooth you must be. To be smooth, slow one must go.” ~ Yoda
If you’re anything like me, you deal with the problems with a…let’s say “enthusiastic” energy.
That’s a positive spin on energy driven by an urgent, impatient need to address every little annoyance (fly buzzing in the room)…every little demand (bills must be paid)…and every little discomfort (my wife is unhappy and wants to separate).
Yeah, you didn’t see that last one coming, did you?
It’s all the same with us men.
Our Anxiety To Be A More Trustable Husband Is Driven By The Myth That DOING SOMETHING Is Better Than Doing Nothing
The need to kill the fly…pay the bills…and FIX my wife/marriage NOW…increases your anxiety – AND hers!!
The way we do one thing is often the way we do most things.
So this old saying, “Slow down to speed up” is intriguing. The premise is that slow is smooth and smooth is fast.
If you’re anything like me – “a doer” – you just DO! Especially with work.
You got project milestones, you’ve got goals, you’ve got elements on a critical path, you’ve got things you need to get done on your list…
Why am I telling you this? Because being such a good “doer” creates a sense of urgency, a sense of impatience, a tension in your body.
Just now, while I was waiting for the sun to rise so I could record my video, I was buzzing around picking things up and sweeping – I couldn’t sit still – I couldn’t just watch the sun rise slowly.
This is an important thing to recognize as part of my personality. What about you?
There’s a huge difference between DOING and BEING.
I am trying to learn every day to be a little more patient, be a little more calm, be a little kinder to myself, be a little bit more compassionate to myself, and to others.
If you can’t be compassionate, and calm and considerate to yourself, it’s nearly impossible to be compassionate, and calm and considerate to other people (especially distant or stressed out wives).
So this is the message for YOU today.
I want you to find a friend, find a brother, a relative, a co-worker…call somebody…slow down.
Have a cup of coffee, have a beer, do something to take care of yourself.
Take a moment to take care of your friendships with with the men who are important to you.
Do it with your lover, do it with your wife, do it with your kids too.
Slow down to speed up.
When you’re feeling urgent, when you’re feeling anxious, when you’re feeling scared (especially in the face of a marriage that’s having trouble, an argument with your wife or a pending separation or divorce), I know you desperately want to keep doing, doing, doing.
It’s Like you HAVE TO do something to fix it right now!
I want you to slow down.
I want you to take a big deep breath.
I want you to realize the value of connecting with other people and slowing down.
There is always another sunrise.
So slow down and trust that tomorrow’s another day.
Just be who you want to be today.
Slow down, take care of yourself, be compassionate, and notice how this enables you to give these things to other people too.
So I want to challenge you to run an experiment for the next 7 days.
Try slowing down to speed up. Every day in every way.
No matter what is demanding your urgent attention I want you to step back. Listen. Watch yourself as you relax into doing NOTHING in the moment.
The world (and everyone in your life) has become accustomed to you DOING, FIXING, REACTING, SOLVING every time you feel a threat to your well-being or a demand for your attention.
Watch how THEY CHANGE when YOU CHANGE!
You can be a more efficient, effective, RELAXED, productive and trustable husband when you SLOW DOWN in the face of stress and anxiety.
Email me with your observations or questions.
And if you are in a place where you’re ready to slow down and have one of the most productive, trusting 90-minute conversations with another man just like you, submit the contact form. Fill it out completely for us and for yourself.
Either I or one of my certified coaches will reply quickly to set up a free, no strings conversation to help you slow down and refocus on what is really important.
Some ways for you to learn how to slow down to speed up are:
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable . A powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships.
The How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb Course. A deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.”