Hey brother, I see you Googling “My wife said I’m insecure” and I wrote this article just for you (because I’ve been where you are right now…)
There’s a common story that we hear over and over again from married men that contact us…it sounds like this…
“I’ve been following you guys for a while and I’m just finally realising something, you talk about being confident, knowing your masculine power and mojo and it pisses me off because I recognise all those things – I had them before in my relationship but now they’re gone and I don’t know how to get them back.
I used to be so relaxed, secure and confident – I didn’t care how she responded to my flirting and mischievous sexual energy – she used to chase me!
I had a confident swagger and we were both really happy.
But now I’ve lost it. I’m nervous and tentative and needy for reassurance from her and I can’t seem to break out of it. I keep trying to pull her closer but I think I’m pushing her away.
How do I get the old me back?”
As I said, I know EXACTLY how you feel.
It’s incredibly common for us married men to feel like we’ve lost that mojo we once had.
Because the mojo we had was a different kind of confidence.
We didn’t doubt ourselves.
We were in the flow of learning and growing and developing and creating a bright future for ourselves and those we cared about.
We felt switched on, confident, competent and trusting in ourselves – full of mojo.
If you’re reading this, I can hazard a guess that you’re not feeling very switched on, confident or competent right now, are you?
In fact, you may be feeling the opposite.
Maybe you’re feeling more confused, inadequate, frustrated and unhappy. Add to that a little bit of anger, resentment and blame.
You’re probably wondering if it’s all worth it?
Thinking about how life used to be so much easier.
So what is the key to turning this around? How does a man who’s not feeling confident, lead the relationship back to fun, flirtation and connection?
I talk more about it in the video below:
When you’re looking for your security outside yourself, through what you do or what you get, you will always be chasing it from other people, circumstances or achievements.
At the start of our relationship we’re constantly validated with attention, praise, respect and appreciation for what we know and what we do.
Our women are impressed by our skills, our purpose and our self-confidence. We’re clearly self-motivated and we don’t have to think about who we are being.
What we know and what we do created an addiction to external validation. It creates an insecure man because we end up craving it and doing anything to keep receiving it.
If you aren’t able to validate yourself, you get lulled into a false belief in your own value. Which shows up as neediness in a long term relationship or marriage and your wife can’t stand it.
Here’s the missing link.
The only thing that will make you feel truly confident, competent again is an unshakeable awareness of your own value – that WHO YOU ARE BEING is so inline with WHO YOU WANT TO BE that you validate yourself with every action you take.
Our romantic partners quickly become unimpressed by what we know and what we do. She knows that those things are so easy for you.
If you keep seeking validation from her, she will turn away, feel disgusted, feel uncertain about you, and worst of all, she’ll lose her respect for you.
No matter how intelligent and wealthy you are, it won’t be enough. She wants to feel your unshakeable commitment to being a man you’re proud to be.
This is the only path to her feeling genuine respect, attraction and appreciation for you.
Some aspects of being this man are:
Being deeply present.
Being fully self-aware.
Being firm in your values.
Being a man of your word.
These are things you do FOR YOURSELF not for her.
Most importantly, it includes being a self-reliant man who operates to your own code of conduct, no matter what other people think.
With non-negotiable boundaries that you stand up for without worrying about the outcome.
You have to become secure in yourself first, before she will trust in and open up to your confidence.
Most men want attention, praise, respect and appreciation in their marriage. But if you’re struggling with self-doubt, and insecurity, those external sources of affection and appreciation will never be enough and she will eventually become exhausted by your need for them.
We coach men to become 100% secure in themselves so that they can provide their own self-validation, self-respect and self-affirmation.
Then from there we can GIVE praise, affection, appreciation, and attention and feel fulfilled just through the act of giving those things. And because they come with any need for reciprocation, she loves to receive them and wants to come toward you to receive more.
This is why we advocate for marriages NEEDING a healthy man to be healthy. It’s a sustainable structure of giving from a place of fullness – fullness from meeting our own standards and living to our own values. It’s not sourced from what we say or what we do.
It comes from an unconditional, unapologetic and crystal clear intention of being the best version of ourselves first.
So my question for you is…
Do you take up the challenge to become a secure man and creating a path to a healthy relationship?
I see the amazing changes this process has on men every day, in every area of their lives, not just their relationships.
In our coaching we take men through an intense program to become the man you were always meant to be. It’s a process of rediscovering your enthusiasm for life and it changes who you are as a man.
Some ways for you to get back that old swagger and mojo are:
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Steve and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The support and camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, own your power, know what you want and know how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.