Hey brother,
When it comes to the things you really, really want are you “outcome dependent”?
Outcome dependence is the number one cause of unbridled neediness.
And neediness almost always leads to excessively controlling behavior.
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In your relationships this is a death sentence.
Outcome dependence is not to be confused with being “goal oriented”. Many of us dudes have tried to defend ourselves by claiming, “Well, I’m a goal setter and I like to make things happen. What wrong with having goals?!”
There’s a big difference between making personal or business goals happen and making someone else like us, love us, touch us or want to be with us.
A man’s secret fear of divorce is one example of outcome dependence. It’s not just that he desires a long, healthy, happy marriage…he absolutely, positively requires it. There are no other options. His very life and well-being depend on it.
And because of this dependence he will do anything to control the outcome.
The problem is that we can’t control an outcome without trying to control every person involved in that outcome.
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I made this video to give you another way to think about “outcome dependence” and how you can stop trying to control other and increase your own self-respect.
The fastest way to drop neediness and instantly become more attractive is to learn how to drop your desire to control others.
When great men first see the wisdom in this they say things like:
“I now get nauseated to watch myself show up as a needy guy. I’m starting to catch myself before I try to control someone else.”
Here’s the cold, hard truth.
- Arguing about stupid things is controlling.
- Over-explaining yourself is controlling.
- Excessive care-taking of others is controlling.
- Stonewalling is controlling.
- Defensiveness is controlling.
- Criticism is controlling.
- Yelling and throwing shit is controlling.
- Needing to be right is controlling.
- And always “having a point to make” is controlling.
Your homework for this week is to see if you can catch yourself being controlling.
Then ask yourself, “What outcome do I depend on that is making me behave this way?”
Then ask yourself, “Who do I get to be if I let go of my dependence on that outcome?”
I’m interested to hear about what you see.
Hit reply to this email and let me know how you’re doing.
I want you to feel the power of outcome independence and the release of the anxiety that comes with trying to control others.
And if you want some support to help you with this, you have options….
$149 One-Time Payment: The Goodguy2Greatmen 3-Step Emergency Triage for You AND Your Marriage – if you need an instant change in your life and relationship Dan and I created our most powerful short course to help you start feeling more calm and confident and to know what actions to take to start changing your circumstances.
What do I mean by “SERIOUS”?
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$69 Monthly Subscription: Join Dan and I in our Men’s Roundtable Group Coaching membership. We meet three times per month for live group coaching and we support you in a powerful group of men facing the same issues you are. Get instant access to 5 years of recorded sessions. Try it for one month. What have you got to lose?
$397 One-Time Payment: How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a self-paced course with me, Tim Wade, and a community of men learning how to lead when you’ve just heard, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” or “I want to separate or divorce.”
As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
