How You Create Your Emotionally Distant Wife
Have you ever heard yourself saying things like:
“Why can’t she just see how irrational she is being?”
“Why won’t she just tell me exactly what she wants?”
“She has no clue how hurtful she is being – how could she do that to me?”
“Why can’t she love me the way I think she should love me!”
These statements are pretty good indicators that you’re making a common mistake many men make.
She is not your equal.
And by expecting her to be your equal you are setting yourself up for misery.
The Mistake of Expecting “Equalness”
Let’s clear up an obvious concern. I’m not talking about equality.
There is absolutely no debate about the equality of any two people on earth.
I’m referring to equalness as the notion of sameness. While we are clearly equal – we are NOT the same.
Other articles you may find helpful:
My Wife Said I’m Needy, How Can I Be More Confident?I Feel like We’ve Become ‘Just Friends’ but I Want Us to Be Lovers Again
As Alison Armstrong tries to teach women that “men are not just hairy women”…I try to teach men that women are not just men with boobs.
And it’s not just gender differences at play.
I explain to my clients how every single life experience she has had as a young girl and woman has created a perspective nothing like ours. Her personal experience at every stage of her growth is different. Her parental, social and societal programming is different.
While we are equal we are not the same in how we process facts, thoughts or emotions.
The only logical approach in a relationship with her is to choose to understand her.
But instead, we make the mistake of trying to either compete with her or fix her “faulty” programming.
When I’m working with a frustrated man who can’t connect with a woman, I usually find him trying to understand the problem from one narrow perspective – his. He tries to run everything she says or does through his filter of how people should work.
He thinks she “should” be different. She “should” see things his way. She “should” react a certain way.
And nobody likes to be “should” on.
The Downward Spiral Begins
Here’s the big problem that comes next.
When we try to hold someone else accountable for being something they are not they will move away from us.
The direct or implied pressure of judgment, expectation and disappointment is too much to bear. The only direction they can move is AWAY.
This feels to us like distancing, coldness, anger, resentment, detachment and disrespect.
The most devastating emotion we feel is rejection which actually registers as physical pain.
Nothing good happens from here.
Next comes our feelings of shame, desperation, anger and resentment. We respond with criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling – Gottman’s Four Horseman of the Apocolypse.
I think you know how the rest of the story goes from here. Not well.
The Solution
The solution is to first realize what you’re doing and why.
The next step is to choose to change your perspective. She is not the same as you are and never will be.
By continuing to impose your rules for how she should view the world, how she should think and how she should feel you will only create more distance and emotional danger.
You need to achieve a state of emotional security, confidence and independence that allows you to detach from needing to be right. The competitive instinct to defend your feelings and “win” every disagreement comes from an adolescent mindset – from fear.
It is virtually impossible for man to achieve the necessary emotional maturity, intellectual clarity and spiritual gumption he needs from an adolescent mindset. Sean Stephenson, a 3 foot tall powerhouse of a man, taught me 3 words that form the foundation of healthy masculinity.
Those words are: CALM, DELIBERATE, and PLEASED.
When a man decides to do the work to become naturally calm, instinctively deliberate and pleased with who he is…nothing rattles him much.
He sees conflict as opportunity. Differences with women become curiosities. Emotional triggers become a sign for something new to learn.
He learns to accept others for who they are without the need to change them or win an argument. He is crystal clear in what he values and what he expects from himself and for himself.
It’s like a new operating system.
This isn’t a Zen thing.
It’s simply becoming the man you want to be.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.
If you want to learn more about how to take a bigger step toward being a clear-headed, confident man of action, then find out more here. I would be thrilled to help you get there – our first discovery call is always free and always gives you a BIG boost of confidence.
You WILL become a clearer, stronger, more confident man only through other men. Your woman cannot take you there – and she doesn’t WANT to…trust me on that.
Photo: Amor&Sexo/Flickr
Q: Why does expecting my wife to think like me keep creating conflict?
A: Because you’re expecting sameness instead of understanding. Equality doesn’t mean equal processing. When you filter her reactions through how you think people should feel or respond, she experiences judgment and pressure. That pressure creates distance, not connection.
Q: Why does it feel like she’s being irrational or impossible to understand?
A: Because you’re trying to understand her from your perspective instead of hers. Her life experience, emotional wiring, and social conditioning are different. When you stop trying to fix or compete with her reality and get curious instead, tension drops fast.
Q: How does expecting her to be my emotional equal push her away?
A: When you hold her accountable for reacting the “right” way, she feels unsafe and misunderstood. The only move left is withdrawal. What feels like rejection to you is often her self-protection from judgment, disappointment, and pressure.
Q: Why do disagreements turn into resentment and emotional shutdown so quickly?
A: Because once you’re trying to be right, you’ve already lost. The need to win, defend, or correct comes from fear. That fear triggers criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling—the fastest path to emotional and sexual disconnection.
Q: What does it mean to show up calm, deliberate, and pleased?
A: It means you stop needing validation through agreement. You’re emotionally secure, clear about your values, and steady under pressure. From that place, differences become curiosities instead of threats, and conflict becomes an opportunity instead of a battle.
Q: How do I stop reacting and start leading in moments of conflict?
A: By letting go of the need to change her and focusing on who you choose to be. When you’re grounded, deliberate in your responses, and pleased with yourself, you naturally create safety. That’s not Zen—it’s mature masculine leadership.
Author 
Have questions about your relationship?
Apply for a free, no strings, 90 minute deep dive personalized coaching session to help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you moving toward the future you want. We offer a unique form of Men’s Coaching and we attract smart guys who see through surface level hype and bravado. We hide nothing and hold nothing back. We know that everything you want is behind your fear and skepticism…just like it was for us.
