Wife Doesn’t Feel Sexy Or Want Affection Anymore

The Conversation I Have 100 Times a Year

Steve: So what’s been going on?

Client: It’s more like what’s NOT going on. She says she not feeling sexy anymore and doesn’t really need affection, romance or sex. It kind of turns her off.

She’s happy – thrilled even – relating with the kids, friends, the dog and her yoga…just not me. She says this is normal for people our age. She joked that maybe I should get a girlfriend. Was it a joke?

She says she doesn’t have sexual feelings for me or anyone anymore. She thinks what we have is just fine and that sex isn’t that big of a deal.

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She’s really smart, logical, practical and productive – but not interested in intimacy of any kind. If we DO have sex it’s unresponsive and unenthusiastic – but she says it’s “fine” for her.

She told me the other day she can’t wait until I can’t get it up anymore so we can have a “normal” relationship.

Is this normal for a 49 year old woman?

Steve: Wow. You’re not alone, you know?

Is a Marriage Without Intimacy Normal?

I believe what is normal is whatever two people agree is normal. They get to define the values, habits, traditions and behaviors which are normal for their marriage.

There’s no prescription for normal intimacy and sex in a relationship. I even know some men who would love a friendly, consistent, practical, productive woman who didn’t need sex.

I don’t know a lot of them – but they do exist. And that’s normal for them.

What’s normal for you? Independent of her – separate from what she thinks or wants – how do you define normal? It’s okay. You’re allowed to declare what YOU think is normal – to state what you most want inside your one exclusive, committed, monogamous relationship.

Most men I work with define a normal marriage something like this.

  • It feels relaxing, comfortable and safe to be who I am
  • It’s affectionate, playful and easy
  • It’s sexual and sensual – mutually attractive and satisfying
  • It’s romantic and passionate
  • It’s supportive and respectful
  • It’s honest, trusting and loyal
  • It’s intimate – even if we’re not in the same room
  • This is what conscious, sensitive, caring, emotionally intelligent men tell me they want.

Not all of them – but most of them.

Is That Too Idealistic?

Let’s get real.

Very few marriages feel like that all the time. Using the above criteria as the measure of “normal” is challenging even for the best relationships.

But is it too idealistic?

It’s only idealistic if you expect to have it as your reality 24/7.

It’s only idealistic if you are constantly measuring your relationship by how well it’s meeting your ideal expectations.

It’s only idealistic if you are standing by with your arms crossed and drumming your fingers expecting your partner to make all your dreams come true.

The problem with lofty ideals is that people see them as a place to get to. They are in pursuit of an idea – a specific reality they want to experience at this moment.

But lofty ideals are NOT a place to get to – they are place both partners must come from.

The ideal state in your marriage is where both partners have an underlying mindset and intention to create what you both want. You must share values for what “normal” is to you.

This means you both should be thinking, speaking and acting in ways – consciously – which create trust, respect, support, loyalty, affection, playfulness, flirtation, sensuality and passion. (If those are your shared values)

Those are not places to get to. Those are places you must come from every day if you want to create what you want.

So…What if She Isn’t Playing?

This is an obvious and important question.

What if you’re the only one trying?

In most cases I can comfortably tell you you’re full of shit. We’re all mostly full of shit.

We haven’t been coming from those places. We’ve been full of anger and resentment for not being treated right.

We’ve been so tied up over not getting what we want that we’ve stopped being what we want.

And when we stop being what we want, it is impossible to create what we want. Nobody in your life – including your wife – can possibly be inspired to join you in your ideal state if you are not already living it.

Under our very own power we can feel relaxed, comfortable and safe.

We’re in charge of how affectionate, playful and easy we are.

We have total control over our sexuality, passion and romantic energy.

You get the picture.

Those are places to come from – a way to BE – not something to coax, manipulate or pursue.

Only when we learn to live from our idealized state can it possibly become a reality.

The Cold, Hard Bottom Line

I know many men who have followed my coaching on this.

They decide to own their energy and start living their life from the ideals and values they choose. They become unapologetic in their desire to be comfortable, playful, affectionate and sexual.

These men become wildly confident and clear in where they are going. They relate better with their kids than ever before. And their jobs or businesses start taking off because they are inviting others to join them in an energy and way of being they are already living.

Sometimes their wives begin to get caught up in the energy. They join them in their enthusiasm and start making better choices in how they are showing up each day. Healing begins. Honesty becomes rampant. And then trust is rebuilt – slowly, but surely.

And sometimes wives will say something like, “You know, I see what you want and where you want this to go. But, you have to understand that I don’t think I can ever live like you want to live or love you the way you want to be loved.”

Yes, those words can crush a man.

But clarity is king. At least now you know what the cards are. The next step is yours.

You will never know where your marriage (and life) might go until you decide to be the man you want to be without fear about whether others go with you or not.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE

If you want to learn more about how to take a bigger step toward being a clear-headed, confident man of action, then find out more here. I would be thrilled to help you get there – our first discovery call is always free and always gives you a BIG boost of confidence.

You WILL become a clearer, stronger, more confident man only through other men. Your woman cannot take you there – and she doesn’t WANT to…trust me on that.

Sign up to receive my email newsletters here for lots more free tips and advice.

You can watch all my videos here and read my blog articles here.

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Photo D. Sinclair Terrasidius / Flickr

author avatar
Dan Dore Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Dan Dore is a certified professional Men’s Coach specialising in helping men who are struggling and feeling unhappy and unfulfilled i their life and relationships. With over 20,000 hours experience coaching men to completely resolve their self-esteem and confidence issues and improve their ability to create emotional connection, build trust, earn respect, and lead the sexual intimacy and affection in their relationship whenever they want. No more fearing rejection or other people’s opinion of you - I want to help you finally be happy in yourself and trust your ability to create anything you want in your future.

Frequently Asked Questions


Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

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In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

  • Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
  • Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
  • Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
  • Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
  • Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
  • Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
  • You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
  • Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

  • You won’t find negative, hateful language.
  • You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
  • You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
  • You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
  • You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

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