Being Fearless and Creating the Marriage You Really Want

A true story about being the man you want to be

I get to hear a lot of stories about men and marriage counseling – most not very good.

This is because a lot men of kind of suck at the counseling process.

They are way too passive and simply follow the lead of the counselor and their wife. They actually believe that the best solution is to passively become a cog in the wheel of a “healing process” created by someone else.

They simply “show up” with no agenda other than to cooperate and not make anyone madder than they already are. But, here’s the truth:

Free Guide: Where You Should Focus To Grow Your Masculinity >>

Nothing destroys your masculine confidence and optimism more than when you leave your leadership role to someone else.

That’s exactly what Brian was doing for months, until last week. He was mad at himself for how he had been showing up.

Brian decided it was time for a change. It was time to take the lead – no matter what happened next.

When men contact me looking for help it’s usually right around this time.

They’re done with wishy-washy. No more walking on eggshells.

It’s time to go big or go home.

It Was Time for Real Feelings and Real Truth.

Brian told me he was sick and tired of the “wheel spinning” going on in his counseling sessions. The exercises started out interesting, but he and his wife, Marcy, always ended up back in the same spot.

They were given tools to use at home that involved proactive efforts at appreciation and listening. They tried keeping a schedule of times meant for emotional connection and sharing their feelings. And Brian was getting really good a using “I feel…” statements to diffuse any unintended feelings of blame.

But to Brian it all felt mechanized and contrived. His efforts to connect felt devoid of real feelings and real truth. It wasn’t authentic. And he was just now becoming clear that authenticity is what mattered most to him. It was the one thing he was starved for in his 15-year marriage.

He was ready to open up the flood gates even if she wasn’t. He was going to lead the way even if she wouldn’t follow him.

I asked him to tell me what he would say if he could be 100% authentic.

What would be his most raw and vulnerable thoughts?

What would he yell from the rooftops if he could bust through his fears and the constraints of the counseling process he felt were tying his tongue?

He started slowly. Then, with a little help he gained some serious momentum.

Brian Speaks His Bold Truth for the First Time.

Brian told me, “I don’t know, exactly. I’ve been on my heels so long trying to figure her out and make her happy, I’m not used to saying what I think and what I want. I’m getting a whole lot clearer now, but I’m afraid to say it. I’m afraid to tell her my expectations for the kind of loving, respectful, supportive, intimate and passionate marriage I really want – for both of us!

I wanted to clarify his fears and asked, “So, you’re afraid to admit you desire love, respect, support, intimacy and passion?

He said, “Yes!

I clarified again, “And you’re afraid to say this in front of the only human being currently in your life who is qualified to share that with you?

I know. But what if she leaves me? Sounds stupid, right?” he replied.

Pretty much.” I confirmed. “You’re afraid she’ll leave you because you want a normal, healthy marriage with her. Makes no sense.”

You’re afraid to ask for what you want because she may react badly to it. But, from my experience with men, one of the leading causes of divorce is their FEAR of divorce. It makes you play small. It keeps you from taking the lead and saying what you want to say and being who you want to be. It happened to me too. I get it.”

Then he really got fired up.

Well, dammit, I’m not scared anymore. I want to tell Marcy that I’ve loved her since day I saw her. I should tell her that I’ve always been in love with her beautiful face, her fiery mind and bossy-pants attitude. I’m in love with all of that at this moment, but I’ve allowed her to push me back into being a man I never wanted to be.

Somehow I’ve lost the confident guy she fell in love with. But, I’m finding him again. I’m going to tell Marcy I’m not perfect and never will be. But I’m working on being better every day. And I’m starting with grabbing my balls back! She won’t intimidate me anymore because I respect myself too much. I want her badly but I don’t need her to have the life I want.

And I know I have to respect her feelings. Marcy can’t make herself want to be with me. All I can do is tell her what she can expect if she makes that choice. I will learn from my mistakes – but I will not dwell on them. We both need to let go of past hurts in order to move forward with more love.

One thing is not negotiable for me. I will be with a woman who wants to make the choice every day to co-create love, respect, trust, support, intimacy and passion.

I want that with Marcy so much – it’s always been her. And I want all that for her as well. If she makes it clear she doesn’t want that with me, I love her enough to let her go find it somewhere else. She shouldn’t fear what other people think. I will defend her choice and not blame her for the pain we’ve both endured. It doesn’t make either of us a bad person and I will defend her right to have the life she wants.”

I asked Brian, “What’s one good reason you won’t say it just like that next week at counseling?

He paused and said, “There is none.”

Later Next Week

Brian sent me an email after his counseling session was over to let me know how things went.

His message was brief.

“Hey. It was awesome. I felt so clear. I was just me – the way I want to be. I was on the edge of the couch and more engaged than ever before. When the time was right I just spit it out. It was authentic. I felt strong. For the first time ever the counselor was speechless. He looked kind of shocked. He looked at Marcy and she just stared at me – no words. I actually felt bad for her and just wanted to hug her. We’re home now. All she has said since counseling, “Wow. Where has that guy been for the last ten years.” I know what she means and it sucks. But I’m okay and plan to stay strong. I have no regrets for what I said. I guess we’ll find out how this all turns out before long. I love this woman. Thanks.”

I try to help men understand one important thing about their relationship:

There is no such thing as “saving” it. You can only create new stuff from this point forward.

You can only speak your truth. Be crystal clear about what you want and what you expect of yourself.

You can only hold yourself accountable to the mindset and the non-negotiable values that will drive you as a man each day. Show up like this every day – everywhere – even in counseling sessions.

It is this guy who gets to create the life and relationships he wants.

It is only this guy who stands a chance of reinventing his marriage.

All you can do is invite others to join you on your journey and lose all attachment to their choices. You do this by learning stuff nobody ever told you about the power of masculine confidence, clarity and optimism!

You will be good either way. That’s the whole point. When you do this work you discover that your happiness is guaranteed no matter what other people choose to do with their lives.

Will there be sadness? Yes. Lots of it. There will be lots of joy too.

Both are needed to keep your journey authentic, assuming that’s what you want.

P.S. This story was created from a multitude of true client conversations and experiences. The names are fictitious and dialogue is only slightly modified. And, yes, the message applies much the same way if Brian’s wife did this.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE

If you want to learn more about how to take a bigger step toward being a clear-headed, confident man of action, then find out more here. I would be thrilled to help you get there – our first discovery call is always free and always gives you a BIG boost of confidence.

You WILL become a clearer, stronger, more confident man only through other men. Your woman cannot take you there – and she doesn’t WANT to…trust me on that.

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author avatar
Dan Dore Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Dan Dore is a certified professional Men’s Coach specialising in helping men who are struggling and feeling unhappy and unfulfilled i their life and relationships. With over 20,000 hours experience coaching men to completely resolve their self-esteem and confidence issues and improve their ability to create emotional connection, build trust, earn respect, and lead the sexual intimacy and affection in their relationship whenever they want. No more fearing rejection or other people’s opinion of you - I want to help you finally be happy in yourself and trust your ability to create anything you want in your future.

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  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
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Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

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We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

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We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

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The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

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