Hey brother,
Many years ago I was one very frustrated, agitated, anxious and spontaneously angry man.
No lovin’.
No appreciation.
The 3-Step Emergency Triage for You AND Your Marriage >>
No respect.
No affection.
No sex.
There is something I became acutely aware of about myself. And it wasn’t until after my divorce that I became crystal clear about it.
After I had gotten involved in men’s groups and talking with mentors about some of my feelings and frustrations, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Despite my Mr. Cool persona outside of the home at work and with friends, I could turn into quite an annoying “hummingbird” of a man.
Free Guide: Where You Should Focus To Grow Your Masculinity >>
I figured out that my particular brand of insecurity was triggered MOST when I was in the presence of the one woman I thought had control of my happiness, fulfillment and well-being.
It was only at home.
I was like Superman once I was at work or just being with friends.
My dirty little secret was that at home I had no compass.
My only measure of my “okayness” was her approval.
I didn’t know I was “okay” as a man – a husband – or a lover until I received her confirmation on a daily basis.
That energy of insecurity and neediness is one of the most common reasons a man has the same experience I had in marriage for many years.
It can also result in a cold, disconnected, angry, sarcastic, mean-spirited woman who says things like “I love you – I just don’t know if I’m ‘In Love’ with you anymore”, among other fun phrases like that.
Yes. She had plenty of her own issues and I had nothing to do with that.
But, looking back I wish someone was there to help me see what I was doing to MYSELF with that crap.
I talk about this more in today’s video:
From Hummingbird to Mountain Lion
Hummingbirds are nervous little fellers. Uncertain and twitchy.
They don’t trust anyone or anything. Always questioning.
Anxious as hell hovering for their turn at the feeder. And with a flying heart rate around 1000 beats per minute I wonder why they just don’t explode in mid-air.
Can you relate?
Hummingbird Energy Is A Guaranteed Libido Killer
I’m a leading authority on the hummingbird husband. I was one for many years and I can now spot it easily in the men I work with.
It’s a syndrome that’s sure to leave you feeling agitated with yourself. And it’s a guaranteed libido killer in all wives. One hundred percent of them.
Did I mention I’m an expert?
We’re not bad husbands.
We’re actually really super guys.
A little “overly involved” perhaps, but we mean well…maybe.
We’re just being attentive. Possibly too attentive.
But we just want to know what’s going on.
We want to know what she’s doing, where she’s going, who she’s talking to, who she’s texting. We want to know what she’s buying, why she needs it, why is she late and how could she possibly not know she was driving on a flat tire. Doesn’t she know that will ruin a tire?
Hummingbird husbands ask lots of questions. Rarely simple statements. Rapid fire innocent inquiries are our specialty.
It’s exhausting for both of us.
And here’s our dirty little secret about our overwhelming concern for her well-being. When we keep asking: “Are you okay? What’s the matter? Did I do something wrong? Why are you mad? How are you doing?”
…what we’re really asking is “Am I okay?”
Am I Okay? Am I Okay? Am I Okay?
When I was in my hovering days, this was the underlying question behind most of my questions.
Am I okay?
Are we okay?
Do you still love me?
Do you still want me?
It’s embarrassing as hell to admit I was that guy for some time.
I sought continual reassurance that everything was okay. That I would be okay.
Insecurity sucks.
And it’s magnified about 100 times toward the end of a marriage.
It’ll eat a man alive.
If you can relate to any part of the hummingbird husband’s story, I want you to know one important fact. Do not doubt me on this.
Remember, I am a leading authority.
You’re okay.
Really, you are.
All of that blabbering, hovering and interrogating is just a little self-doubt.
Your overactive mind and anxious heart is just a matter of a little self-esteem recalibration.
While I am definitely not an expert on male insecurity or the underlying baggage causing it, I do know this. You have the power of choice.
I’ve witnessed too many men simply choose to stop with the hummingbird act and adopt a healthier perspective of themselves and their lives.
They did enough introspection and inner work to allow themselves to experience an epiphany. A BFO (Blinding Flash of the Obvious). It sounds like, “My wife and my marriage are not and have never been the source – or the measure – of my value. I’m okay, dammit. I’m okay!”
When these guys decided to change their operating system, it was like moving their mojo setting from hummingbird to mountain lion. They embraced a whole new demeanor.
It’s best described as a calm, deliberate and pleased energy.
It’s not an act. They really are a mountain lion.
They feel cool headed, secure, regal, aware, curious, playful, loving, protective, brave, sensitive and caring.
You may find them on a high rock casually flipping their tail and letting out a huge yawn before taking a nap in the sun.
No more doubts.
No more questions.
Heart rate – 40.
From that vantage point, anything is possible.
My mission is to help you get as clear – and eventually happy as a clam – as I have.
Once you figure out how to consciously move your mojo setting from “Hummingbird” to the “Mountain Lion” mode, your life changes.
You’re calmer. More relaxed. More giving. And you give a whole lot less of a crap what anyone thinks about you.
Your relationship changes. Your confidence changes. Your sex life changes. Your conversations change. You sleep better than ever. You show up ever stronger at work and in friendships.
Insecurity will ruin a man and it almost ruined me.
The embarrassment of feeling like a hummingbird kept me from asking for help or guidance for YEARS.
Believe me, I know exactly how hard it is to hit the reply button to this email and just say something like, “Hey, me too.”
And if that’s hard for you, then actually signing up for a deep phone conversation with another man like me is terrifying.
Yeah, but so is lot of other stuff you’ve done and you survived. So give it a shot.
I’m inviting you to a conversation that might change your life. It did for me.
Just two friends chatting.
A guy told me a couple of days ago after our call, “Holy crap. I got more benefit and confidence from this call than I ever got in 6 months of couples counseling and therapy.”
True story.
Why?
Because there is mountain of information and truth you will never hear in counselling.
They don’t know how to talk “man talk”.
They don’t even believe in it.
They think everything is about communication and cooperation and negotiation.
Hog wash.
You know better, don’t you?
Want to get started learning this stuff with us straight away? Here are your options:
Free: If you’re serious about building your masculine mojo then apply for a coaching call with us we will help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you feeling confident again.
What do I mean by “SERIOUS”?
- We take YOU and your struggles seriously…because we’ve been there
- We know living in a sexless or low sex marriage is painfully serious…and so is showing your kids what a healthy confident man looks like
- A lack of affection and intimacy of all kinds is serious now and for the long term health of your marriage
- We believe your personal emotional strength and well-being is serious
- We seriously show up 110% to our conversations with you and expect you to be as serious as we are about changing your life
Free Guide: Where You Should Focus To Grow Your Masculinity
$69 Monthly Subscription: Join Dan and I in our Men’s Roundtable Group Coaching membership. We meet three times per month for live group coaching and we support you in a powerful group of men facing the same issues you are. Get instant access to 5 years of recorded sessions. Try it for one month. What have you got to lose?
$397 One-Time Payment: How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a self-paced course with me, Tim Wade, and a community of men learning how to lead when you’ve just heard, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” or “I want to separate or divorce.”
As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
