I’m Putting Her First, Why is She Still Unhappy?

What would happen if you fearlessly declared everything you’ve always wanted in your relationship?

Unhappy husbands tell me their stories and they’re not pretty – the stories, not the husbands.

My job is to help him clear the fog in his head and untangle the knot in his gut so he can think clearly and make some tough decisions.

One of the hardest decisions a guy has to make is whether or not to speak his mind.

Sounds simple but it’s not. He is afraid to say the things he has always wanted to say out loud but fears it might cause trouble. Might make her mad. Maybe cause a divorce.

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But now he is facing just that.

There’s trouble. She’s still mad. There is now talk of divorce.

And he is still tongue-tied.

Why does he wait until the last possible minute to say what he has been thinking for years?

What are the consequences of finally blurting out exactly what he has been wanting all along?

What Do You Want? Here are Their 21 Scary Answers

These are the actual words real men use to tell me what they want to tell her.

These are their deepest held secrets about what they REALLY want in their relationship. And they are terrified that telling her would just tip the scales enough to finally force her out the door.

  1. I want to feel welcome and appreciated in our home.
  2. I want to feel like we can trust each other and have each other’s back.
  3. I want to be able to tell her something without it always turning into something I’ve done wrong.
  4. I want to feel her delight in waking up next to me. At least a smile would be nice.
  5. I want to feel listened to.
  6. I want to feel understood.
  7. I want to feel valued for what I provide.
  8. I want to feel desired.
  9. I want sexual intimacy.
  10. I want sexual variety and spontaneity.
  11. I want to feel at ease around my wife.
  12. I want her to tell me what she needs.
  13. I want her to allow me to fulfill her needs.
  14. I want to feel safe when we talk about our needs.
  15. I want to feel like a team.
  16. I want her to trust my intentions toward her are good.
  17. I want her to believe me and believe in me.
  18. I want her to acknowledge and appreciate my role as a father.
  19. I want to have deeper conversations and be vulnerable without fear of judgment.
  20. I want her to honor my need for personal growth and personal time for me.
  21. I want to love her and feel loved in return.

Oh, the Shame of it All

When a man tells me that he feels afraid to say those things out loud he is really telling me he is ashamed to say them out loud.

He is ashamed to open up about his deepest desires with the only woman on the planet currently in the position to meet those desires. And he’s scared shitless. Crazy, right?

I get it. I was in the same place once. Inside my head I could make grand statements about what I wanted and what I deserved. I privately declared to the stars that I would someday have what my soul craved before I died. “Yes, it might mean divorce. I don’t care. It’s a human right. I’m not wrong to want what I want!”

…I thought to myself.

In reality, many men are ashamed to declare what they want. It’s not nice. It’s mean.

Real men don’t talk like that. They keep it inside. Women will feel threatened if men talk about their deepest desires. Better to keep walking on eggshells and not rock the boat.

Maybe things will get better. Maybe in another year.

But What if You Do Speak Your Truth?

I get to see what happens in some of the most difficult relationships when a man decides to let it fly. I encourage him to go big or go home. No apologies and no regrets.

Let it rip. Lay it out there for her and the world to deal with.

The outcomes vary greatly. I’ve seen it save a relationship. And I’ve seen it accelerate the divorce (my personal case).

But you shouldn’t open your soul to her or the world expecting any outcome. The only guarantee in boldly speaking your truth is that you will create a change in the status quo.

You don’t speak your truth in an attempt to rig the game. You don’t declare your non-negotiable desire to live the life you want to live and expect someone to congratulate you.

You do it because you’ve decided you will never create what you want if you can’t say it out loud without fear.

You can’t give a crap what anybody thinks or says about it.

Whatever happens afterward is exactly what is supposed to happen. And you will be just fine.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE

If you want to learn more about how to take a bigger step toward being a clear-headed, confident man of action, then find out more here. I would be thrilled to help you get there – our first discovery call is always free and always gives you a BIG boost of confidence.

You WILL become a clearer, stronger, more confident man only through other men. Your woman cannot take you there – and she doesn’t WANT to…trust me on that.

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Photo paulaf55/Flickr

author avatar
Dan Dore Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Dan Dore is a certified professional Men’s Coach specialising in helping men who are struggling and feeling unhappy and unfulfilled i their life and relationships. With over 20,000 hours experience coaching men to completely resolve their self-esteem and confidence issues and improve their ability to create emotional connection, build trust, earn respect, and lead the sexual intimacy and affection in their relationship whenever they want. No more fearing rejection or other people’s opinion of you - I want to help you finally be happy in yourself and trust your ability to create anything you want in your future.

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While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

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  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
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Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

  • You won’t find negative, hateful language.
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  • You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

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