Why Does My Wife Struggle to Give Affection?

Simple analogies are sometimes the most powerful way to get a point across.

Sometimes a guy will hear something for the 100th time but THIS time it’s said slightly differently and suddenly he gets it. A switch is flipped that can not be un-flipped for him.

He can’t un-see what he now sees as pure truth.

And at this moment he feels empowered to change his thinking…which changes everything he’s been feeling.

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I used to have a wonderful dog named Kody. He lived to be almost 17 years old which is OLD for a Golden Retriever. And for 17 years, Kody had primarily ONE THING on his mind. It was his pacifier of happiness. His lifeboat of inner peace.

It was…tennis balls.

“When I’ve got a tennis ball in my mouth the world just stops…nothing else matters…and everything in my life is good.” ~ Kody

In fact, Kody would get a fresh container of tennis balls every Christmas. I would wrap it and put it under the tree.

Kody knew it. It was almost like the “new tennis ball smell” molecules escaped from the can. It took just one molecule to put him into a catatonic trance until Christmas morning.

It was cute, but annoying. You couldn’t reason with him. And when I finally told him he could open it he just ravished the can. He didn’t need me to open it. He just ripped it open until he reached the only thing that would make his world right again.

You would think that would be the end…but no.

The problem was that Kody thought inner peace could only be achieved if he could fit ALL the balls in his mouth at once.

And even when he succeeded he still wanted more. There was no satisfying his need to fill up on the ONE OBJECT of his desire. Anxiety was STILL gripping him until he just wore himself out and fell asleep.


The moral of the story?

You can never get enough of what you don’t really need to feel happy, calm and confident.

What are the “tennis balls” in your life?

What ONE object, person, idea, goal, fantasy or story do you have that rules your mind and your sense of well-being?

How did it get that power over you?

What else is your life have you sacrificed in order to give focus to that one thing?

And what might happen if you could just “flip the switch”?

Spit out the balls, shake your head and say, “What if I don’t NEED those balls to be happy?”

When we’re coaching men on the journey from “good guy” to “great man” we often find out he’s got an intense “tennis ball fixation”.

This keeps him in “good guy” mode because he will do or say anything in order to get the ONE THING he thinks will make him feel okay. Goodguys have a bad habit of trying to get things from other people in order to feel good about themselves. They are sublte in the way they negotiate, manipulate and control others to get their needs met.

Breaking this habit requires a “I coulda had a V8!” moment. It’s that moment of clarity when he thumps his forehead with the palm of his hand and he gets a little flushed in the face.

The embarrassment and guilt “goodguys” feel when this switch flips are actually GOOD. Guilt can be an extremely productive force to help men choose a new perspective.

He sees clearly that the tennis balls were NEVER going to help him.

He needs to be happy no matter what – with or without tennis balls.

And when he begins to internalize the truth – that his entire foundation of happy, calm confidence is created in his own mind – the great man emerges.

Some men reading this will get it right off the bat ;)  but others need help to have a serious shift in their thinking which will change their future drastically.

This is why we’ve created many ways for you to get involved in our community of amazing men.

The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.

Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.

The MEXICO MOJO MASTERY retreat for March 2020 is now 90% full! This is an advanced retreat for men who have had one-on-one coaching or have attended other retreats.and we can’t wait to meet up again in Punta Mita at the Hacienda Alegra. Click that link for some mind-blowing pics.

We still have 3 spots left for the Unapologetic Masculine Confidence Retreat in the UK, April 24-27th. If you want to feel more confident, more deliberate, less edited, more open-hearted and easy going then join Dan and I for an intense shot to your system that will bring back your belief in yourself.

We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.

What if this next year everything changed for you?

That’s what we want for you brother.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.

author avatar
Dan Dore Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Dan Dore has been a professional Men’s Coach specialising in helping men who are lacking confidence, unhappy and unfulfilled in their life and relationships. Dan has 10 years experience coaching men to improve their self-confidence issues and improve their ability to create more emotional connection, more trust, more respect, and to learn how to lead the sexual intimacy and affection in their relationship whenever they want. If you're tired of dealing with rejection and criticism, Dan will help you challenge the current status, stand up for what you want to change and finally be happy in yourself and your ability to create the kind of connection and passionate life that you really want.
The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

This is the secret your dad never told you about – You have more power than you know.

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