How To Know Whether to Fix Your Marriage or Leave it

Over a beer the other day a frustrated man asked me,

“How can anyone know if the grass is going to be any greener on the other side?!”

He said, “I mean, really, I see just as many guys leaving marriages and being miserable as I see guys staying and being miserable. How do you decide?”

I told him, “It depends on whether you go to the other side as fertilizer or dog pee.”

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That’s when I think I might have pissed him off.

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Fertilizer or dog pee? WTF does that mean?

I explained to him that I’ve seen men leave a marriage in a pissy, angry, resentful and defeated state of mind and 100% of them wind up unhappy on the “green side” of the fence.

Why?

Because even if the grass was initially green when they got there, they made it turn brown (just like dog pee) in a matter of months.

They took their pissy attitude with them and slowly sabotaged the new grass by peeing all over it with anger, fear and resentment.

Here’s the bottom line.

When you try to find your peace, confidence, happiness and manly mojo anywhere OUTSIDE of yourself, you’ll wind up being like dog pee.

How can you choose to be FERTILIZER instead? And what does that mean?

More in the video below on that.

YouTube video

It’s such a common question that Dan and I hear – “How do I know if I should stay or I should go?” Men in a struggling relationship always want us to help them understand “How do I know…?”

“How do I know if my relationship can recover or improve?”

“Will the grass ever be green on this side of the fence?”

“How do I know if it can’t and I should go and start something new with someone who can meet my needs and desires?”

“Is the grass really greener on the other side of the fence?”

“I don’t want to leave and get divorced and then find that I’m in the same situation but just with a different person!”

Of course the answer is that it depends.

It depends on who YOU are and how you SHOW UP in your relationship, old or new.

It depends on whether you show up as fertilizer or dog pee. We all know that dog pee kills grass and turns it brown.

Are you doing the personal work to know who you are and how you’re showing up in your relationship? Do you even know what that means?

Are you unhappy, feeling disrespected, offended, agitated and like you have no self-confidence, no self-worth and no self-respect in your relationship?

If you’re feeling like that in your body and you think it’s because of ‘what she’s doing to you’, then you’re looking from the outside-in. You’re saying that everything outside your body is causing feelings inside your body.

So if you end one relationship and start another you’ll be taking that same perspective with you. If you jump over the fence to find out if the grass is greener, even if it looks green when you get there, you’re showing up as dog pee. And you’re going to make it all yellow and brown again with that view of your own worthiness.

So when I ask, “Are you going to show up as fertilizer or dog pee?” What I’m talking about is…

Are you showing up as a strong, confident, happy man, who initiates happiness, who is already well in his own skin?

Are you showing up as a man who’s a source of happy energy, a source of confidence, a source of generosity and a source of praise for other people?

If you’re happy and you’re feeling full, the grass is going to be green wherever you go.

I’m not saying you can stay in a 30 year marriage with a person who hates you and the grass is going to be green.

What I’m telling you is that if you’re a man who decides to do the work to BECOME the fertilizer, that you will KNOW where you belong. Wherever you go, you’re going to be happy.

If you decide to end this relationship while you’re feeling horrible about yourself. If you decide to jump over the fence then, you will create horrible wherever you go.

If you stay in this relationship as a man who’s fertilizer…

If you become a man who’s confident in his own skin…

If you are a man who learns he can be happy no matter what she’s saying or doing or how she’s participating or showing up in your life, two things will happen…

  1.  Either she’s going to start following your lead and greening up with you.
  2. You will know the answer as to whether or not the grass will be greener on the other side.

One thing we can promise you, is that when our clients do this work, when they end up feeling like fertilizer, then wherever they go, they create connection. Wherever they go they create happiness, curiosity and affection.

They know they’re that guy who deserves that and creates that becasue that’s where he’s COMING FROM. He no longer fears what’s on the other side of the fence because he knows that now he is fertilizer and not dog pee.

The only way to make a sound decision about staying in or leaving your marriage is to learn to be “fertilizer” now…not later.

What’s that mean?

It means:

Learn how to relax and RESPOND to conflict like man instead of reacting like a little boy. (yeah, I know about that first hand)

Learn how to stand confidently in an emotional storm and not take everything so personally

Learn how to create emotional safety with anyone and stop trying to win arguments and being right about everything

Learn how to create sexual polarity and attraction by doing much less than you’re doing now

A man who knows how to “fertilize” – wherever he is – realizes that HE is the source of the green grass.

He learns that calm, confident mojo is a place to come from – not a place to go to.

So, whether he decides to work on his current relationship or leave it – he first learns to BE a man who embodies the “greener grass”.

He listens more – speaks less.

He’s more curious and generous – less argumentative and needy.

He’s learned that “happy” is an inside job and blaming anyone else for being unhappy is a waste of time.

Pretty tall order? I think not. We see this transformation happen every day.

If you’re at a point where you’re ready for this then listen up.

This isn’t for someone who “kinda, sorta” wants to improve his life.

This if for committed, “Hell Yes” men.

This is a chance to join an exclusive group of high quality men who want to support and be supported by other high quality men.

We are here to share, listen, discuss and debate topics about men, women, sex, relationships and marriage…among other stuff.

We coach you live and introduce you to concepts from our Masculine Confidence Intensive course.

Some of the benefits you’ll leave with are:

  • Claim your masculine guiding principles and personal boundaries
  • Reignite your confidence in your own strength and ability to respond to women powerfully and attractively
  • Get massive confidence in your decision making and communication of your desires and goals
  • Become an unapologetically masculine and passionate man
  • Learn the truth about feminine power and how you could be “dancing with it” instead of fighting it
  • Develop a bold new attitude of pushing your comfort zone and eliminating excuses from your life
  • Embrace uncertainty and change knowing without a doubt that you will thrive no matter what
  • No longer walk on eggshells around women and claim your place as a powerful, loving, compassionate man
  • Create positive sensual tension everywhere you go and enjoy the life of an inspired, engaged, motivated and sexual man.

We want to know you and to help you understand what your real strengths are. This is for you if:

  • You want to create an intense and permanent SHIFT in your mindset in order to feel clear in your decisions and confident in your actions.
  • You want new tools, tactics and strategies to deal with your current challenges and emotional triggers. You want to be a man who operates to his own values and expectations of himself.
  • You want to be a man who confidently faces difficult circumstances and responds with calmness and clarity while staying independent of any specific outcome.

If you want to improve your happiness and start sharing it freely with others, we would love to help you become so clear in what you bring to any situation, so that you can start CREATING the life that you want.

What if this next year everything changed for you?

That’s what we want for you brother.

Books, articles and videos are great but to really make quick progress and get to a point where you’re consistently calm, confident and enthusiastic about life again you need other men who understand what you’re going through and who will challenge you to make the changes that you need to make. This is the truth that I want you to LEARN – this is the thing I had to learn first before I could grow in this way – you need other men to do this work!! Why do you think indiginous tribes have male only initiation ceremonies – it’s incredibly powerful.

Come and join us, either through 1-on-1 coaching with my colleague Dan Dore or me, or in our group coaching program with other amazing men who are travelling the same path as you right now in our Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable where we will help you re-find the confident, attractive man you know yourself to be.

Come and try our coaching through our Roundtable live coaching program here. There’s an amazing tribe of guys in this group with us, supporting and helping each other through this process of growth and self-realization.

We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.

Dan and I are here to guide you on this mission.

If you want to become a man who knows and trusts himself to create the life and love he wants, apply for a free consultation call with me or Dan. I guarantee you’ll feel a whole lot better by the end of our talk.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE

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You can watch all my videos here and read my blog articles here.

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author avatar
Dan Dore Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Dan Dore is a certified professional Men’s Coach specialising in helping men who are struggling and feeling unhappy and unfulfilled i their life and relationships. With over 20,000 hours experience coaching men to completely resolve their self-esteem and confidence issues and improve their ability to create emotional connection, build trust, earn respect, and lead the sexual intimacy and affection in their relationship whenever they want. No more fearing rejection or other people’s opinion of you - I want to help you finally be happy in yourself and trust your ability to create anything you want in your future.

Frequently Asked Questions


Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

  • Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
  • Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
  • Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
  • Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
  • Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
  • Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
  • You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
  • Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

  • You won’t find negative, hateful language.
  • You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
  • You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
  • You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
  • You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

This is the secret your dad never told you about – You have more power than you know.

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