By: Steve Horsmon
How do you get all the intimacy you want?
You don’t. Nobody really “gets” intimacy unless they are paying for it
A lack of intimacy in your relationship is one of the most hopeless feelings you will ever feel. It is the source of overwhelming emotions of resentment, anger, impatience, and frustration.
A relationship starved of intimacy is rich with hurt feelings, heavy conversations that never end well, and quick tempers triggered by otherwise harmless words or actions by your partner.
It’s not always the lack of physical intimacy that is to blame. You may also be seriously disconnected when it comes to emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, and spiritual intimacy.
- You want to “get” more sex.
- You want to “have” a better connection.
- You want to “feel” more respected.
- You want to “find” your soul mate.
What is the one thing all four statements have in common?
They all require little to no action on your part.
If you are thinking that sex is something you GET, you will soon feel resentment.
If you think an intimate connection is something you simply HAVE, you will soon feel frustration.
If you think that FEELING respected is an entitlement, you will soon feel anger.
And you may die of impatience waiting to FIND your spiritual soul mate.
But, there IS a way to solve this problem forever. Wherever you go or whoever you are with you will no longer feel like intimacy is something you must get, have, feel, or find!
How will this happen?
Intimacy is Not Something We GET – It is Something We CREATE
People who enjoy a life of sexual satisfaction, emotional connection, mutual respect, and spiritual fulfillment have learned to adopt this habit on a consistent basis.
It is up to you to CREATE the intimacy you desire.
I know, it may sound like I’m on my “high horse” here. But I’m telling you this with humble regret that it’s taken me too (expletive deleted) long to finally figure this out. I’ve spent decades trying to GET, HAVE, FEEL, and FIND. It just doesn’t work. Never has. Never will.
And I want to pass the secret on to you.
None of us should be surprised at this. We are keenly aware of how fragile relationships are and how tenuous those close, loving feelings can be. We have experienced how quickly the people in our lives will withdraw, shut down, and detach themselves from us when they feel hurt or threatened.
If it only takes a few negative words or actions to destroy intimacy, then it must be possible for a few POSITIVE words and actions to CREATE it.
If that’s True Then Why Don’t I Just Do It?
You’re chicken. Really, that’s the bottom line. The cold, hard truth.
Scared of what, you ask?
You’re scared of the same things that scare ALL of us every day.
- Creating intimacy requires you to reveal ourselves and our vulnerabilities.
- Creating intimacy requires unqualified acceptance, respect, and love.
- Creating intimacy requires you to admit your own imperfections and willingness to work on them.
- Creating intimacy requires you to think, say, and DO things out of love without regard for the outcome.
- Creating intimacy requires you to GIVE the very BEST part of yourself to your partner without waiting for them to do something first.
This is some “risky behavior”. You don’t know what will happen. How will they react? Maybe they won’t like you. Maybe they will like you too much. Maybe you’re not sure you WANT to save this relationship.
Scary shit, right?
How Exactly Do You Propose I Do This?
Really? You want detailed instructions? Good, that’s my specialty.
Here’s some homework. These may not be tailor fit for you or necessarily appropriate at this point in your life. Custom fit, extremely personal solutions is what comes out of our conversations when we work together.
However, consider these ideas. Before your feet hit the carpet tomorrow morning, make a commitment to yourself to at least TRY one of these ideas. The more uncomfortable it feels to you the more important it is for you to practice.
Tell her/him, “Sweetie, I’ve been getting wrapped up in the daily grind and work deadlines. I need to take time to tell you how much I appreciate and respect all the things you do to keep things together. You’re amazing and I’m a lucky man. You make me want to be better for you.” Then do something different. Start being more attentive. Watch your language and tone. Acknowledge and appreciate more frequently. Give more loving touches without expectation.
Tell her/him, “Baby, I know our sex life hasn’t been exactly what either of us knows it could be. For me, working on that means showing you how much I love you in many other ways than just sex. That’s my plan you sexy thing!” Kiss. Big hug. Eye contact. Smile. Walk away. Then keep your promise. Be consistent. No expectations. When she/he is ready, rock their world!
Ask a detailed question about a book she/he is reading. What about the subject interests them? Or, ask something off the wall like, “What do you think about the possibility of life on other planets?” Or, “If you could go back to school with time and money being no object, what classes might you take?” Then, listen. Then listen some more. Share your thought and dreams. Nothing is out of bounds. No judgment. No criticism.
If you are active in religious or other spiritual practices, tell her/him exactly how that affects you on a daily basis. Describe where they fit into your spirituality and how important they are in your life. If you both have interests in spiritual growth, try leading the way by organizing a class or retreat getaway. Discuss the spiritual values you share that shape your relationship and commitment to each other.
Are you going to do this? Will you try to make one of these your own?
How about some accountability?
Send me an email telling me how it went within one week. If I don’t hear from you, I’ll assume you chickened out.
Advanced Work…When You’re Ready
I hope you find these type of emails useful the very day you get them. I send them without expectations. I’m being vulnerable. You may hate me and my message. You might unsubscribe.
I’m speaking to you from a place of compassion in my heart and you might kick me to the curb. I remember a time when that would have killed me. While I care a LOT about what you think, I just don’t care what you think about ME.
I’m not out to get you as a client. I want to create a relationship with you so that you understand what the possibilities are for you to transform yourself and your relationships.
Whether you start this work with me, someone else, or on your own doesn’t matter. Starting is all that matters.
No improvement can happen without action. No growth is possible without failure.
It is only by taking action, failing, and learning that your success is even possible.
The advanced work of becoming the man or woman you were meant to be can be scary. But past clients will reassure you that it is the most rewarding, mind bending, growth you can imagine.
Let me know when you’re ready for a long conversation.
If you want to meet in person over beer or coffee, then GO HERE!
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To Better Life and Love,