Marriage Counselling Isn’t Helping Us

Every relationship “expert” in the world thinks they have the secret sauce for making a happy, sexual relationship.

I’m no expert, but I think the truth is the “recipe” is pretty complex.

It’s full of ingredients that need to be measured and added in the right sequence. And timing is crucial because if you do the right thing at the wrong time everything goes haywire.

Then multiply this complexity by TWO.

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Two people. Two sets of childhood baggage and insecurity. Two sets of expectations. Two perspectives on the world, marriage, money, parenting and sex.

Then there are the two unique ways of communicating and expressing fear, sadness, hurt and disappointment.

And then there’s the litany of “fix your marriage” tools you learn in counseling which sound like an endless list of “try this and try that”.

But the tools can’t work if you’re not mentally and emotionally prepared to use them.

It feels like you’re throwing darts just to see what sticks. You never seem to be on the same page.

It’s exhausting and frustrating. Resentment builds by the minute.

The reason we coach only men is because we believe:

There is no such thing as a happy, healthy, secure, stable and sexual relationship without a happy, healthy, stable and secure man at the helm.

In every marriage more than a week old there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find and continue to find grounds for marriage. ~ Robert Anderson

I like quotes like this because they challenge our thinking. They remind us that each person has a choice.

They challenge our mindset and our daily intention.

When you’re aware of your thinking and are deliberate with your intention your BEHAVIOR will directly follow in suit.

So…beware of your own habits of thinking and your chosen intentions. They will create patterns of behavior that will either improve your relationship or kill it.

As you know by now I like to SIMPLIFY things to help you make changes quickly and effectively.

The TWO CRUCIAL KEYS I share in this video are the beginning points of a happy, sexual relationship.

These are the most important parts of the recipe.

And they are also the HARDEST parts.

These are like preheating the oven first to the right temperature.

If you don’t get these two keys down pat there are no “tools” and no amount of communication, apology, flowers or make-up sex that will help you.

YouTube video

What Are You Thinking Right NOW?

The two crucial keys are:

1. What you THINK and how you think about it.
2. What you DO and how you do it.

At this very moment, what are your thoughts about yourself and your own sense of peace and personal power?

Do you THINK you’re unhappy? Do you THINK you’re angry? Do you THINK you’re a puppet on a string with no chance of escape?

And what are your thoughts about your lady?

Do you THINK she’s not attracted to you? Do you THINK she’s a mean, cold-hearted bossy pants control freak? Do you THINK she is thinking badly about you right now?

It is these very thoughts that sabotage the possibility of a happy, sexual relationship every hour of every day.

Most men in an unhappy, non-sexual marriage are in the stage of unconscious incompetence when it comes to knowing how to change their thinking.

When we are unable to take command of our THINKING we have zero control over what we are DOING.

And when we have zero control over what we’re DOING…we end up up doing a lot of really stupid shit.

To illustrate, let’s take this quote from a famous smart guy.

“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Let’s just THINK for a minute that for the next 14 days you’re going to run a thought experiment.

You’re going to make a conscious DAILY choice to treat your lady as if she is truly your best friend. Not a roommate but a genuine best friend.

You KNOW she really digs you.

You KNOW she has a high regard for you and speaks positively about you behind your back.

You KNOW she really likes to be around you and thinks kindly of you.

Here are some more thoughts you are going to think.

You KNOW you genuinely love and respect her.

You KNOW you hold her in high regard even on her bad days.

You KNOW you can give her the benefit of the doubt because you trust her.

If you could make the choice to think and believe these things for 14 days, how do you think you will BEHAVE?

Best friends treat each other really well.

They think about how the other is feeling. They pay attention when they’re talking. They offer encouragement and support without judgment or trying to fix them.

They respond to them softly…with kind eyes, measured voice and a relaxed posture.

And they don’t take anything personally because they’re best friends. They KNOW they mean well even when they have a bad day.

I can’t count how many men have done this experiment and noticed a major change in less than 48 hours!

One guy recently decided to tell his grumpy wife, I’m sorry you didn’t sleep well. You have your grumpy face on and I really love that about you.

His entire weekend changed. Yeah. Really.

That’s how friends THINK about and treat each other.

What you THINK drives what you SAY and what you DO.

And if you want to create a happy, sexual marriage you MUST preheat the freaking oven first.

And you do that with your THINKING.

There’s a problem with the above challenge, I know.

We often hear men say, I totally get what you’re saying intellectually, but why is it so hard to be consistent? How do I deal with the stomach knots and daily resentment?!

Very good question, isn’t it?

The answer is that you must devote yourself to becoming a massively secure, mature and confident man.

When we say, “focus on working on yourself”, it is THIS we are talking about.

We have an extremely effective and proven process for helping you achieve that “Mountain Lion” level of inner peace, emotional security and spiritual confidence required to start taking command of your thinking.

And when you do this, you realize what you’ve been missing all along has been inside you.

This is how one guy put it.

My wife has seen an immediate change in my attitude and outlook while she has struggled to make progress of her own. She has even made the statement that “I want to be where you are and want to find something that I can connect with and that will make me a better person.” ~ Matt H.

The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this secret Facebook community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world. ($69/month)

The online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” This brand new course has quickly built a strong community of men who meet in their own secret Facebook group to support each other. Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. ($500 with no BS money-back guarantee)

And if you think one-on-one coaching (the fastest way to learn) is up your alley, contact us for a powerful one-hour consultation session.

These consultations are actually mini-coaching sessions and you will hang up feeling like “what the hell just happened?”…in a really good way.

author avatar
Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on well known coachign and psychology television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels related to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides intensely personal, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor who teaches his clients to discover their masculine power, take bold action and create the life they want. He has written articles and guest blogs for numerous relationship and expert websites.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

  • Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
  • Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
  • Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
  • Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
  • Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
  • Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
  • You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
  • Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

  • You won’t find negative, hateful language.
  • You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
  • You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
  • You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
  • You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

This is the secret your dad never told you about – You have more power than you know.

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