The three words that make your neck hairs stand up and your gut tighten into nauseous knots are…
“I need space!”
This article is about the PRESSURE she feels and the distinction between the BAD pressure you must stop and the GOOD pressure you must start.
Even if you wind up divorced, you must understand the difference and become a master of applying GOOD pressure – everywhere in your life.
Let me explain this in really simple terms.
BAD Pressure = Desperate, sad, nervous and needy pursuit of affirmation.
When it comes to a woman declaring her need for space…you can’t analyze it or change it. When she says “I’m not feeling romantic love for you anymore”…you can’t argue about it or negotiate it. So, don’t even try. That’s BAD pressure.
Even though she may not know exactly what the hell she means by this, it’s her emotional truth. She didn’t make a choice to feel like this…she just DOES. Don’t ask her why. She doesn’t know why. She won’t know why tomorrow or, possibly, ever. Asking her who/what/where/why/when/how questions in order to collect data and solve the problem for her is BAD pressure.
Most of us wizard problem solvers start with questions like:
“Space from what? What did I do?”
“Where is this coming from? What happened?”
“How long have you been feeling like this?”
“Why didn’t you tell me weeks ago so I could have done something?”
“Who are you seeing/talking to if you don’t want to be with me?”
She will experience your anxiety and desperation as weak and unattractive. It will serve as further evidence that getting MORE space is her best option.
I know. It’s almost IMPOSSIBLE to not try to fix this immediately. But that is BAD PRESSURE. It doesn’t help your own sense of strength and it further sabotages her feelings of connection toward you.
I go into that in this video
Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing. ~Theodore Roosevelt
I picked that quote because in order for you to apply GOOD PRESSURE, you will need to face your deepest fear. And that is, “Man, I must have totally f*cked this up! Not only am I failing her – I must BE a failure!”
Now, you’re also afraid of divorce. You’re afraid of losing the love of your life. You’re afraid of how the kids will be affected as well as your living conditions. your dog and your 401K. But the deepest fear and shame men have is that they aren’t strong enough or good enough to keep this from happening.
So, let me let you off the hook now. You did not cause all of this. This is not all your fault and it’s very likely this situation was not entirely preventable. Stop beating yourself up right now. Save your energy for the GOOD PRESSURE.
Good Pressure = Calm, deliberate, confident and unapologetic declaration of your values.
Instead of desperately seeking affirmation from her that you’re not a failure and you’re getting a divorce, I want you to seek a new source of personal strength, confidence and calmness.
This will require you to walk directly into the fear. This will not kill you and you will not die. No matter what the final outcome is with her request for space, you are still 100% YOU – 100% capable of happiness, love and laughter without her assistance or permission.
Instead of believing you are losing half of yourself and everything you’ve known, I want you to slap yourself in the face and remind yourself that you were 100% when you met her. It’s from THIS PLACE that you can apply GOOD PRESSURE.
What does that sound and look like?
Instead of questions, it sounds like declarations and looks like personal conviction.
“I get it. I need space too sometimes. Take all you need. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I love you enough to let you get what you need. And I love myself enough to not freak out over it.”
“I trust you to take care of yourself. And I trust you to maintain the integrity of our marriage as you do so.”
“Sometimes connection requires separateness. We both need to be strong enough to realize that without taking it personally.”
“I won’t stand in the way of your happiness. I want that more than I need you to make me happy.”
A client once said, “Holy crap, I’m not Jesus or Buddha! This hurts!”
I know it hurts. It hurts right now…but it won’t always hurt. And the sooner you learn there is way through this, the better. It’s not just a process of “surviving”…it a process of growing up.
It’s a process of learning stuff about being a man your dad never taught you. You weren’t ready to learn this stuff until this window of pain cracked you open. Your path to long term happiness, confidence and self-reliance must come through other men who have traveled the path already.
I want to invite you onto this path with me and hundreds of initiated men who want to support you.
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
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