3 Things She Wants When She Says “I need you to be the man in this relationship”

If this is what she means by “being the man”, is it asking too much?

Hold on tight. This might stir up a hornet’s nest.

But I don’t care. I don’t write about how things should be. When a man asks for help I only care about how things are. Then I help him figure out what to think and do next.

When he tells me he just heard, for the tenth time, his wife wants him to be the man in the relationship the last thing he needs to hear is, “Well dang it all to the hell. It’s 2017. She shouldn’t be saying stuff like that! You need to have a discussion about equality and the evils of gender essentialism.”

And the last thing these educated, powerful, mature, and successful women need is another discussion about why they shouldn’t feel the way they feel.

Free Guide: Where You Should Focus To Grow Your Masculinity >>

Let me decode the mystery (at least part of it) for you.

This is what conscious, evolved wives tell me is really going on when they play the “be the man” card.

Why I Have to Tell You This and She Won’t

When humans act hurt, frustrated or angry we tend to complain about things in a way that masks our real needs.

We may scream in anger at someone who cuts us off in traffic when the truth is we are scared shitless. The real need is that we want to feel safe. But we don’t say that.

We may become intensely frustrated with a child when the truth is we are emotionally drained. The real need is that we want to feel peace and calm. But we don’t say that.

We may be horribly hurt by something someone says when the truth is we feel rejected. The real need is we want to feel accepted. But we don’t say that.

And so it is with many wives. They will say things like:

“Why do I have to do everything around here? This place is a disaster!”

“You never follow through and I can’t count on you.”

“All you think about is sex.”

And the translation husbands hear is “you suck, you’re a bad husband and you’re a pervert”.

Dude, that’s not what she’s saying. I see why you might take it personally, but she doesn’t mean to attack your manhood. You have to keep your mojo in check and realize that not every angry woman is angry with you.

It’s important to know what feeling she is craving and why it’s that feeling causing her reaction. It’s not about you – it’s about her craving to feel something she wants to feel. And she thinks that her “man” could help her feel that if he just knew the 3 things I’m about to tell you.

“I Just Want to Feel Like I Can Relax”

Wives tell me that feeling relaxed is one of the biggest keys to them also feeling connected, affectionate and sexy.

Have you ever been around a woman who is being playful, silly, sexy, giggly, fun and flirty? Yeah, I know. It’s about the hottest thing a guy can imagine. It’s also an incredibly fun place to be for her. And women tell me they feel like it’s biologically impossible to be that girl if she can’t relax.

Bottom line: She’s mad because she wants to relax so she can feel playful, silly, sexy, giggly, fun and flirty. She’s not mad because you suck. She’s mad because she can’t relax.

How to “be her man”: Don’t get defensive. Look her in the eye calmly and say, “Baby, I bet you would love to relax and I’m going to help with that.” Then look at the stuff you can help with. Are there plans that haven’t been made? She would love you to make a plan – any plan. Be her man with a plan.

What household “departments” need attention? There are many. Cleaning, laundry, kids, cars, vacations, meals, family, dishes, bills and broken shit. These all require the incredibly boring application of accountability, responsibility, predictability and dependability. Nobody can relax with all those “ilities”! That means she needs you to be her “ility” man.

Romantic energy gets instantly sucked into the black hole of the “ilities”. Don’t allow that to happen.

Caution: There will be stuff you can’t help with. It’s her stuff. She will need to handle her stuff and don’t try to handle that stuff for her.

“I Just Want to Feel Like I Can Count on Him”

Wives tell me when their man is consistent and he follows through, they feel a sense of safety and predictability. Yeah, those are boring. But with safety and predictability comes relaxation. And we’ve covered the reasons relaxation is so important. See above.

One thing I’m consistent with is her morning coffee. I also like to plan dates and give her invitations to do stuff. I leave notes and I call her when I’m going to be late – every time. I like to vacuum – it’s like a power tool.

I pick the things I expect of myself and I own them. I don’t expect or accept her telling me what to own. She knows what I’ve chosen to expect of myself. She also knows it’s her job to pick and own her share. And that makes for a team effort which helps her feel good and relaxed…which is nice.

Bottom line: She’s mad because she wants to feel a sense of safety and predictability. She’s not mad because you’re a bad husband. She’s mad because she can’t relax.

How to “be her man”: If you want to help her feel like she can count on you just decide what you expect of yourself. Make it clear what you’re in charge of. Then do those things.


Less talk. More action.

Most nagging is the result of us not operating to our own expectations and demonstrating consistency.

I’m not saying she’ll never nag. It just won’t bother you like it used to.

“I Want to Feel Like He Desires Me, Not Just My Body”

A woman sent me an email once that said, “I feel like I could be any one of 10,000 women to him. I don’t feel his desire for me as a person. Sometimes I think I could leave my genitals in the bedroom and go make coffee and he wouldn’t even notice I left.”

Yeah, I know. The imagery there is creepy.

But her point is pretty clear. She wants to feel like her mind, spirit and emotions are worthy of your attention too. She wants to feel desired not only for her physical attributes, but for her entire self.

If she can feel your sincere desire for her entire self, she can feel your acceptance. And if she can consistently feel your acceptance, she can…say it with me….R-E-L-A-X.

As I was running this part of the article past my girlfriend, she said “Yeah, nobody wants to feel like a sexual receptacle.” More creepy imagery. But again, I get the point. How about you?

Bottom line: She’s mad because she wants to feel desired and accepted. She’s not mad because you’re a pervert. She’s mad because she can’t relax.

How to “be her man”: Ask her if she could leave her genitals in the bed and go get you a cup of coffee. No, don’t do that. I have no idea why I typed that. Probably because I’m a pervert.

Seriously, I mean, really seriously…you know exactly what this means. Every man I know understands the incredibly crappy feeling of being rejected. The pain is the same whether it’s the rejection of our emotions, our opinions or our body. Rejection is one of our biggest complaints and worst fears.

You can imagine how she feels if your desire and acceptance is limited to her sexuality. Don’t get me wrong, she definitely wants to feel your unapologetic, masculine, wanton desire for her body. But at this moment you are the only man on the entire planet with the secret power to help her feel thoroughly desired and accepted – body, heart and soul. One out of three doesn’t work.

The thing keeping her awake at night is, if he has that secret power, why wouldn’t her man use it?

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE

If you want to learn more about how to take a bigger step toward being a clear-headed, confident man of action, then find out more here. I would be thrilled to help you get there – our first discovery call is always free and always gives you a BIG boost of confidence.

You WILL become a clearer, stronger, more confident man only through other men. Your woman cannot take you there – and she doesn’t WANT to…trust me on that.

Sign up to receive my email newsletters here for lots more free tips and advice.

You can watch all my videos here and read my blog articles here.

See what life changing results you’re missing out on here.

author avatar
Dan Dore Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Dan Dore is a certified professional Men’s Coach specialising in helping men who are struggling and feeling unhappy and unfulfilled i their life and relationships. With over 20,000 hours experience coaching men to completely resolve their self-esteem and confidence issues and improve their ability to create emotional connection, build trust, earn respect, and lead the sexual intimacy and affection in their relationship whenever they want. No more fearing rejection or other people’s opinion of you - I want to help you finally be happy in yourself and trust your ability to create anything you want in your future.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

  • Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
  • Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
  • Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
  • Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
  • Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
  • Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
  • You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
  • Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

  • You won’t find negative, hateful language.
  • You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
  • You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
  • You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
  • You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

This is the secret your dad never told you about – You have more power than you know.

We respect your privacy, read our privacy policy here