Has your wife said she feels smothered? Do you ever feel like you’re chasing affection and she’s running the other way?
Do you ever feel like the BEST relationship you’ll ever have is just walking on eggshells and not pissing each other off?
Many smart, accomplished and otherwise confident men think their only relationship option is settling because they don’t know what else to do.
Or they are getting some really bad marriage counseling advice.
Some conventional counseling wisdom uses Attachment Theory to explain unhappy and dysfunctional relationships.
To simplify the theory the basic premise is this:
We show up to our relationships either emotionally SECURE or emotionally INSECURE.
Emotional security is good for your relationship. Insecurity can cause all kinds of problems.
Well meaning counselors sometimes teach their clients, because insecurity is normal, they need to just get better at being insecure.
They teach each partner how to get better at understanding the other partner’s triggers and learn to stop triggering. They teach these couples to nurture those wounds and be a better “wound lickers” (my term, not theirs). And when both people get better at being wound lickers then the relationship can get better.
I’m not saying this is inaccurate psychoanalysis. It just isn’t effective and, frankly, sounds like a hellish way to be in a relationship.
I’m saying you can do much, much better. You can actually become a healthy, secure man everywhere in your life and relationships.
This is a much more enjoyable and effective place to be in a relationship.
I shot this video on this topic and got a little carried away.
I want to help you understand the true reason you’re not getting what you want out of your marriage or relationship with a woman.
There’s an area of work in modern psychology called attachment styles .
You could read volumes, get a PhD on attachment theory and the reason this is important is that the men in my community typically show up as what is called an insecure, anxiously attached kind of man.
Even if you’re a rock star at work, a pilot, a soldier, an engineer, a doctor, it doesn’t matter what you do for a living, where you found your competency.
So you may recognize this…
You feel confident in the world of work and money but when it comes to the world of women sex and marriage, there’s something else going on. This is what attachment theory is all about.
The men in my community are high achievers who have an anxious, insecure style of attachment, which means that we are thinkers, we’re talkers, we’re communicators, we’re verbose, we tend to be very sensitive and caring and romantic, we like physical touch, we like words of affirmation, we like to analyze things, we like to discuss things, we like to have deep conversations.
When we get around each other, we love it because we’re with other men who want the same things we want, who believe what we believe and who think like we think, but guess what…we tend to attract women who are not the same.
The women we attract are not insecure, anxious people.
We tend to attract women who are what’s called insecure, but avoidant.
And this is a problem because when you’re an insecure, anxious person in a relationship with an insecure avoidant person, guess what happens?
You both are trying to get something met, and you’re both opposing each other.
The guy is pursuing and she’s distancing.
You’re chasing and she’s running away.
You’re trying to make bids for connection and closeness, and she’s trying to move away from it.
Even though you both essentially want a healthy relationship, you’re both going about it the wrong way.
Some psychologists believe that the natural order of things is for insecure people to learn how to live with being insecure. They think the best way to have a good relationship is for both insecure people to realize what’s making the other person insecure. Then you can start licking each other’s unhealed childhood wounds and if you can do that well enough, you can start to respect and nurture each other enough so you can finally come together and find some common ground of bonding.
I say bullshit.
You can do better than an insecure relationship.
The men in my community want better.
They want more than that.
They want to not to be an insecure, anxious man.
I say that the best way to get what you want and create the kind of relationship you want is not to worry about what she’s doing. Not to worry about how much she’s distancing, how cold she is, how much she’s ignoring you or talking to other people on her phone. Because when we’re insecure and anxious men, we’re trying to fix things all the time. We’re talking, we’re asking questions we’re investigating, we’re going into deep, heavy conversations, and it’s all counterproductive.
The reason we’re doing it is because we’re insecure.
We’re insecure in our own sense of groundedness.
We think if we get her acknowledgement, if we get her touch, if we get her body in bed, if we get her to say she loves us, that she approves of us and validates us as good, sexy, strong men, if we just get that then everything will be alright.
“If she would just….”
If you’re starting any sentence with if she would just, you’re probably on the scale of the insecure, anxious man.
“If she would only do that…”
“If she could only give me what I need…”
This is where we start with our coaching.
This is where we start in our men’s groups where all of our men come together. We all look at each other and say, “You too? You too? Yeah, me too. I get it.”
This is why I’m talking to you because I totally get it too.
I was there once myself.
So in our coaching we make things really simple like this, like attachment theory.
We get down to the brass tacks.
We get down to the lowest common denominator.
And in this case, the reason you’re not getting what you want, and you’re not having the relationship you want is because you don’t yet have a relationship with yourself that is strong and clear and confident and calm and totally self reliant.
Reliant on yourself to know that you are worthy, and that you’re valuable, that you, all by yourself, without the need for anyone else are good.
You deserve to have the kind of life you want, but you cannot create that until you get it inside yourself first.
So what happens when an anxious insecure man does this men’s work, and he has an insecure avoidant wife?
What happens is that when he gets grounded, he finally slows down, he finally gives her the space she needs, he finally gives her the energy of safety and security and he isn’t chasing or pursuing and then she finally stops running.
She finally stops and is ready for a conversation.
When you become secure in yourself, you start to see things better, you start to empathize more, you become more generous with time and space, and you also start creating other parts of your life which are amazing for you.
Hobbies, friendships, missions and purposes, that go beyond just being a husband or a father or a provider.
You have to have that in your life.
But if you’re not self reliant, if you’re insecure, then you’ve most likely been spending 99% of your time getting your needs met through this individual you call wife.
This is an example of what we do with men in our coaching.
If any of this sounds familiar to you, I want you to think about joining our men’s Roundtable group coaching community.
This is a powerful collection of men who meet twice a month and support each other in an incredible Facebook group.
It’s only 69 bucks a month. You can start or stop anytime. No obligation to pay for a year upfront.
I want you to give it a shot so that you can see what it’s like to be with a tribe of men who are exactly like you, who are doing this work and finding out that there’s a whole other way to be as a grounded, confident man.
Most people are insecure.
Many are ANXIOUS and many are AVOIDANT.
Men who are the insecure-anxious type are afraid of not feeling close, connected, appreciated and respected. And their anxiety can make them needy, clingy, angry, manipulative, abusive and defensive…among other fun behaviors.
Women who are the insecure-avoidant type are afraid of feeling smothered, controlled, overwhelmed, vulnerable and pressured. And their anxiety can make them quiet, distant, cold, critical, unapproachable and mean…insert your particular adjective here.
Do you recognize this exact situation in your relationship?
It’s mind-blowing how fast you can learn to lose your insecure thinking and create a whole new skin to live in!
Want to join us? I’d love to meet you. Here are some options.
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
What if this next year everything changed for you?
That’s what we want for you brother.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE
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