I talked to a man today whose wife has been detached, disinterested, dismissive and disrespectful.
She wants her space and independence and has pretty much designed a life of her own including weekends and vacations. She thinks he should find his own life too and learn to be happy.
He said he wanted to stop reacting so badly and learn to respond better to this new dynamic she’s created.
“What’s the difference between reacting and responding in this case?” he asked.
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I told him that reactions come from a place of fear and insecurity.
They almost always sound like questions and veiled threats with a nervous voice. They sound like this:
Why can’t you spend more time with me?
What do you get with your friends that you can’t get with me?
What do I have to do to get you to like being with me?
If you don’t start staying home on weekends, I’m not going to be very happy at all with that!
I know what it’s like to have that nervous, “little boy” energy and it sucks. Just as the words come out of our mouths we hate who we’re being.
And we know it’s a big part of why she doesn’t want to hang around.
Other articles you may find helpful:
Do Women Need to Feel Connected to Have Sex? – Shana James and Alexis ShepperdSteve Horsmon – The Answer is Yes
But what should a man do instead?
What does a masculine RESPONSE look like?
How can you get her attention without feeling like a whiner?
I explain that in this video.
Why your reactions are making things worse
What you need most to respond clearly and confidently
How a clear, masculine response actually sounds when you are confronting her elusive behavior
Why you don’t need threats or ultimatums
I talk about this often. I talk about the importance of a man needing to find his own happiness.
But in a relationship, an exclusive, romantic, committed, sexual partnership, at some point there is an overlap where you two actually have to have a relationship.
In the case where your woman is acting like a roommate, being totally detached and trying to shame you for wanting to have affection, wanting to be present….how do you RESPOND to that instead of reacting to it?
What’s the difference between reacting and responding?
Reactions almost always come from a place of fear and insecurity. It’s that little boy inside of us who feels the fear of abandonment, the fear of being lost or being rejected and fear will always bring up a reaction that sounds very needy and very oppressive.
It sounds like:
“Why don’t you want to be with me anymore?”
“Why don’t you want to spend time with me?”
“What do you get from being with your friends that you don’t get with me?”
“What do I have to do to get you to like me?”
Or you might make a veiled threat, which sounds something like “If you don’t start staying home on weekends, I’m going to be very unhappy about it…”
That’s wishy-washy too – what does that even mean? These reactions that sound like threats or complaints are kind of like whining.
How do I know about this? Because I used to do this. When I make these videos and articles I am coaching a younger version of myself and I coach the men who are most like me.
So how do you get out of this?
How do you get into the place of making a manly masculine response when your wife is distant and detached, disrespecting and dismissive of you?
How do you get your mojo back and respond?
The problem with responses is that they’re not snappy one-liners. A lot of guys will say “Well I need something really cool to say, I need an ultimatum, I need something to get her attention”.
I’ll tell you what will get the most attention when a woman detaches from you and starts getting dismissive and disrespectful…start just making statements that come from a cool calm confident place of wellbeing.
The problem is that you may not be there in that cool, calm confident masculine frame.
When you do get there, when you get to the point where you know very clearly what you believe about your relationship, what you expect from yourself in that relationship, what you expect for yourself in that relationship and where you want that relationship to go, where your life and relationship are going in the future.
As soon as you get out of your head and the trauma of what might happen today – the feeling of possibly being rejected today and what might happen if I actually confront her today – as soon as you get away from that fear you might say things that sound more masculine.
You might say “Have a good time baby. One thing I want from this relationship that you should know is that we DO plan to spend time together. I treasure that, I value that and it’s important to me. We should talk about that when you get back. “
It’s a statement, it’s not a questions, it’s not a request, it’s not a whine. It’s a statement of what you value.
When you’re a man who’s very clear about who you are. “I am a man who is strong, affectionate, caring, sensitive and I enjoy being in a relationship with women who like to be with me”.
That’s one of my values. That’s one of my non-negotiables.
So what do I want?
I want a relationship with a woman who actually shares the value of affection, admiration, support and adoration. We like to spend time and plan time together and we enjoy each other’s company. We’re friends, confidants, comrades and partners in crime…that’s what I want.
And I don’t just want that. I want more things from life too. I have a mission of other things that I want that make me happy.
One thing that is not-negotiable for me is that if I am in a relationship with a woman (married or otherwise), I want a woman who wants to be with me in the way that I want to be with her. Those are called relationship values.
If your woman is showing relationship values that go totally against everything you believe, then you’ve got a real problem on your hands.
The way you respond to it is to be very honest and to speak very clearly about who you are, what you want and where you’re going.
You could say something like “I understand that you’re going to have a vacation with the girls next month, but my expectation for myself and for my life is that my partner and I make plans together. We make plans to enjoy each other. We make plans to get connected and understand each other. We have fun. We have flirtation. We have sex. That’s my expectation. I don’t begrudge you wanting to be independent, or having other friends in your life, but when it comes to my relationships all you need to know is that my expectation is, I’m going to have the life and relationship I want. So we should talk about that. We need to work on that.”
You’re not telling her what she should do, you’re not making rules and you’re not giving conditions or veiled threats or ultimatums. You’re simply informing her, who you are, what you want and where you’re going.
Sometimes you can do that energetically without saying anything. She can feel it in a man’s bones when he knows he’s getting his mojo back and he isn’t going to stand for a relationship that is a roommate status.
She knows full well that what is going on is not acceptable in the relationship. All she is doing is something to fill up her cups right now. She doesn’t feel connected, she doesn’t think you know what you want, she doesn’t think you know where you’re going and she doesn’t think you’ll stand up for yourself.
That’s what I want to help you with. I care so much about you because I’m talking to a younger version of myself here.
There was a time when I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted or where I was going. But I’m here to tell you that it’s so liberating when you do know those things and you can speak your truth right off the top of your head. You don’t need to remember anything because when you’re honest, the words come and you don’t care what the consequences are.
I always say:
“When you speak from your truth and you’re clear about who you are, what you want and where you’re going, the consequences of a man being that honest and that open, those are the consequences that are supposed to happen.”
And if you fear that she may leave you because she may not want what you want – well then the question is:
“Why would you stay with somebody who very clearly doesn’t want what you want?”
If you have any questions about this, email me directly. I will respond. I care about this and helping you through what you’re going through – I’ve been there and I can help you through it. So give me a call and let’s do it brother.
If you’re thinking you want some more of that honest, confident energy back, I want to explain to you how you’re going to get it – apply for a consultation call with me or my associate coach Dan Dore. I guarantee you’ll feel better by the end of our talk.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.
