Sexless Marriage How To Lead The Erotic Energy In Your Relationship

Are you stuck in a sexless marriage or low sex relationship? It’s one of the hardest, most painful and loneliest places a man can endure.

Learn this simple rule to turn your sex life around

I tend to coach and write about the things I most need to heal within myself.

And that leads me to the subject of sex.

I’m writing this article more for me than for you, but you’re welcome to eavesdrop on my internal conversation.

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I need to write myself a reminder. A not-so-gentle kick in the ass memo.

You see, I’ve not been taking my own damn advice.

Steve, WTF are You Doing?

If I was to coach myself right now, I would ask, “Steve, WTF are you doing?”

“What? I’m working.”

“What would you rather be doing?”

“Ummm…I’d rather be swinging in a hammock near a warm beach with a soft, sexy, beautiful woman.”

“What else?”

“Ummm…I’d rather be laughing, teasing and playing with her while we cuddle, kiss and taunt each other. Maybe I’ve got one or two margaritas in me too.”

“What else?”

“Ummm…I’d really like to have sex with her. Good sex. Connected sex. Satisfying sex.”

“What’s one reason you’re not doing that right now?”

“Ummm…because I’m working?”

“No, it’s not just the working. It’s your total energy. It’s all wrong for getting what you want.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re dripping in non-stop predictability, responsibility, accountability, reliability and stability. You haven’t looked up long enough to notice the soft, sexy, beautiful woman who lives with you. And when you do you’re pretty much faking it.”


“Yeah, really. And you’ve become the poster child for the world’s most un-sexy man. Your work ethic is admirable, but you’re dehydrating every ounce of sexy out of your relationship. You’ve totally forgotten how to lubricate the erotic side of life. Remember when it wasn’t like this?”

“Ummm…yeah. I do. I need to fix this.”

“Yep. You’ve forgotten your own stupidly simple rule for creating what you want.”

The One Stupidly Simple Rule Men Must Know

I learned this from the brilliant Esther Perel in her book, Mating in Captivity. Every time I have applied this rule in my relationship, everything changed for the better.

Esther calls “domestic energy” the land of the “Ilities”. It’s where the soul sucking obligations of accountability, responsibility and predictability reside. It’s where mortgages get paid, laundry gets done and kids get fed.

It’s a very difficult place to feel turned on.

Being turned on happens in the land of “erotic energy”. This is where flirtation, fun, laughter, dancing, danger and uncertainty live. It’s where adventure, surprise and sensual tension live. And it’s where really good sex lives too.

Sure, bathroom floor quickies can happen in the “domestic energy zone”. Sometimes they just have to.

But the truly satisfying, high quality sex a man really craves will only be found in the “erotic energy zone”.

Here’s the rule.

A man will never encounter deep, connected, satisfying sex in the land of the “Ilities”. He must consciously and intentionally chart a course and lead the way into the land of the erotic.

Three Simple Steps to Leading Her into the New Land

Three simple words to remember:

  1. Connect
  2. Create
  3. Invite

The hardest part of doing this is simply making the decision to do it. If you just decide you are going to be the kind of man who forges into the land of the erotic, here is what you must do.

Connect with her by shutting down your domestic mind. This includes shutting off the computer and the phone. Shut down your “work brain”. The most important part of connection is your presence. Allow yourself to lean into her world and her energy. Be curious. Be awake. Be aware. Let her know that you really see her – hear her – and understand what her biggest fears and doubts are. Connect.

Create new conversations and new dreams. Paint a picture of what is possible in the new land and how it will feel there. Share a story about two people laughing and flirting in a hammock near the sea while sipping margaritas. (note to self) Stop complaining and worrying long enough to compliment and adore her. Inspire her to dream about something bigger than the next load of laundry. Create.

Invite her to join you in the erotic side of life. But you must lead the way. You have to go there first yourself. Invite her into a funny moment or a goofy look across the room. Invite her into a spontaneous kitchen dance. Invite her into footsie under the table. Invite her into a dirty joke. Invite her into a 5 second kiss. Invite her into a strong, loving hug. Invite her to plan the Caribbean vacation with the hammock and the margaritas. Invite.

Remember: Connect, create and invite.

Intimacy and connection only happens when we make it happen. No more excuses. No more waiting for her to initiate.

You don’t get many second chances to live an erotic life and this ain’t no dress rehearsal.

If you want to learn more about how to be comfortable, confident and peaceful in your own skin, I’d love to help show you the way. Get started today, here’s your first step…

Go HERE to apply for a Free “Happy Man Mojo” coaching call to learn exactly how you can start changing things tomorrow.

The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Steve and Dan lead this community with 9 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls three times per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.

Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and Steve host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.

We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.

author avatar
Dan Dore Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Dan Dore has been a professional Men’s Coach specialising in helping men who are lacking confidence, unhappy and unfulfilled in their life and relationships. Dan has 10 years experience coaching men to improve their self-confidence issues and improve their ability to create more emotional connection, more trust, more respect, and to learn how to lead the sexual intimacy and affection in their relationship whenever they want. If you're tired of dealing with rejection and criticism, Dan will help you challenge the current status, stand up for what you want to change and finally be happy in yourself and your ability to create the kind of connection and passionate life that you really want.
The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

This is the secret your dad never told you about – You have more power than you know.

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