The Unconventional Way to Heal Your Marriage

Saving a marriage often requires you kill it first.

It’s like a doctor having to re-break a leg bone that tried to heal itself despite being infected and badly out of alignment. The only option is to break it again and allow it to heal from a healthier starting point.

John and Jane decided their marriage would never heal as it was. They had waited too long. A festering infection of self-righteousness, insecurity and resentment was scarring their hearts and polluting their minds.

The good news was they both saw it and wanted to change it.

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So, in the quiet hours of a Sunday morning they nervously agreed to humanely euthanize their first marriage. It was time. There was no more quality of life left. It was time for compassion – time to let it go.

It was a leap of faith. It was a commitment to each other that they weren’t going backward no matter what.

They just weren’t sure which way was forward.

Doing it Differently This Time

The unorthodox approach they chose wasn’t just about killing their first marriage.

They knew their second marriage would be just like the first if they didn’t change everything.

Their previous attempts at marriage counseling seemed to make things worse. John and Jane subconsciously used the process to build a case against each other. They took their pain and frustration to counseling sessions in hopes of being heard and proving each other was to blame. Neither felt accountable for making any personal changes. So, they quit going and blamed each other for the failure.

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This time around there would be no couple’s therapy. No more blame. No more excuses.

If their second marriage was to be successful, they would agree to work privately – apart from each other. They would commit to a process of personal accountability for BEING a better partner rather than demanding their partner be better.

For them, being a better partner had nothing to do with better communicating, compromising, sacrificing or negotiating. That’s not where they needed help.

Being a better partner meant improving their expectations.

Toxic Expectations

Along with killing their first marriage, they would need to agree to kill some expectations. Both had accumulated a toxic collection of expectations of each other.

I expect you to make me happy.
I expect you to read my mind.
I expect you to make me feel secure.
I expect you to want sex when I want sex.
I expect you to be perfect.
I expect you to never disappoint me.
I expect you to be more like me.

They learned that a list of expectations like these set them up for failure. Neither stood a chance of meeting those expectations. And when they predictably fell short, another argument ensued.

The biggest problem with expectations like these was that Jane and John never even thought about what they expected of THEMSELVES. They were so busy judging each other against the unattainable list of expectations, they were blind to how they were showing up to the party.

Without a clear understanding and commitment to their own standards of behavior, neither stood a chance of actually BEING a stronger, more loving and more intentional partner.

John and Jane knew this was the key to eliminating self-righteousness, insecurity and resentment in their new marriage.

And they both knew declaring and committing to their own standards of behavior was a personal journey. Setting new expectations for themselves was a private matter.

They weren’t negotiable, debatable, or up for discussion.

John and Jane agreed that they each needed to establish who they wanted to be in this marriage without the help of the other.

Their new self-expectations must be more important than the marriage itself.

John and Jane’s List of Expectations

After a few weeks of private work with the professionals of their choice, John and Jane decided to compare notes. They had a babysitter come by on Friday evening and they headed out for dinner to a quaint restaurant not far from home.

At a corner table, under the light of a single candle, smiling and a little nervous, they exchanged lists and read quietly.

John’s List

I will treat you with love, kindness, respect and compassion because I want to, not because I expect you to do the same.
I will respond to the natural stress and strain of our marriage from a place of love and strength without needing to find blame for my negative feelings.
I will pull my weight in our family and consistently maintain a sense of balance in everything needed to keep our family running smoothly.
I am responsible for my own moods, happiness, and sense of well-being.
I will respond to conflict with an open mind and calm demeanor. I will not waiver from and will stand up for my values of trust, respect and kindness within my family.
During disagreements, I want you to feel heard and respected more than I want to be right.
I will honor your insecurities and will never intentionally use them against you. I will never call you “crazy” again.
I will respect and support your need for personal time to recharge and to pursue personal goals and dreams.
I will be your most dependable and consistent source of strong emotional support, affection and intimacy of all types.
I will choose you everyday as my friend, my lover, and my partner.

Jane’s List

I will always treat you as a capable and caring husband and father
I will accept your love and allow you to comfort me.
I will not withhold my affection to make a statement or to hurt you
I will not intentionally trigger your defenses when I am upset.
I will always support your need for personal time alone so you can reconnect with those you love
I will not hold you responsible for making me happy and feeling good about myself.
I will be generous with my respect and appreciation of you because I know how much it means to you.
I will be direct about my needs and won’t expect you to know what I’m thinking or feeling.
When we argue, I will treat you with the respect my man deserves.
I will trust your intention toward me and our family is always from a place of love and caring.

When they finished reading they looked up and just stared at each other. It felt like an eternity to John.

Then he felt Jane’s bare foot sneaking up his left leg as she said, “This is pretty big change for both of us. Do you think we can stick to it?”

John grinned and said, “It would have been tough in my first marriage. We were never on the same page. I’m feeling really good about this new woman. We make one helluva team.”

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I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE

If you want to learn more about how to take a bigger step toward being a clear-headed, confident man of action, then find out more here. I would be thrilled to help you get there – our first discovery call is always free and always gives you a BIG boost of confidence.

You WILL become a clearer, stronger, more confident man only through other men. Your woman cannot take you there – and she doesn’t WANT to…trust me on that.

You can watch all my videos here and read my blog articles here.

See what life changing results you’re missing out on here.

Photo: amslerPIX / Flickr

Dan Dore Certified Professional Men’s Coach

Dan Dore is a certified professional Men’s Coach specialising in helping men who are struggling and feeling unhappy and unfulfilled i their life and relationships. With over 20,000 hours experience coaching men to completely resolve their self-esteem and confidence issues and improve their ability to create emotional connection, build trust, earn respect, and lead the sexual intimacy and affection in their relationship whenever they want. No more fearing rejection or other people’s opinion of you - I want to help you finally be happy in yourself and trust your ability to create anything you want in your future.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

You won’t find negative, hateful language.
You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

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