I’m seeing a very clear and amusing trend in many of the men in my community.
What is it?
INCREASED SEX APPEAL.
What’s this, you ask?
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Let me answer that with a short story.
A while back at one of my men’s bi-weekly meetings in Fort Collins, a guy told us of an interaction with his girlfriend. It came time for him to leave that evening for our men’s meeting and he said, “Oh, I need to get going, I’ve got a meeting to get to.” She said, “What meeting?” He reminded her, “I have my men’s group every two weeks. I mentioned it to you before. Tonight’s our night.”
She replied, “So…you’re kicking me out of your house so you can go to a men’s meeting??” He answered, “Well, that’s one way to put it I guess.”
Her reply? “I gotta tell you…I think that’s SO HOT!”
What’s so hot about it?
It’s the fact that he has something so important to him that he is both committed and unapologetic about it.
This is why so many guys are reporting high levels of mojo and sex appeal.
It’s the fact that he is calm and confident in telling her about his priorities. And…it’s the fact that he is comfortable and unashamed that he has some really cool men in his life for whom he makes time.
And she knows it. She also knows that he makes time for her which is also clearly important to him.
Why does this matter?
It matters because the ONE THING unhappy, frustrated and sex-starved men around the world have in common is this.
They have ZERO high quality male friends in their lives who can consistently listen to them, encourage them and challenge them on their own BS.
Sure, they may have friends to talk about the Denver Broncos, the last elk hunt and how to adjust valves on a Dodge 5.9 liter diesel. But they have no one with whom they can be REAL.
Men in my community share a few other traits.
They are wicked smart, productive, emotionally available and articulate, sensitive, romantic, focused and problem-solving bad asses.
Those traits are both a blessing and curse.
Why?
Because when you have nobody in your life to talk to but your woman you end up emotionally vomiting all over her. (great visual, huh?)
You end up over-sharing, being overly vulnerable and over FIXING everything in your relationship.
And that’s both exhausting and unattractive. Zero sex appeal.
I explain a little more in this video.
How do you improve your sex appeal? I’m going to give you one thing to stop and one thing to start in this article.
The one thing I want you to stop doing to improve your sex appeal appeal is to stop being so vulnerable with your woman.
Now that sounds so counterintuitive.
Some of you might have stopped reading this article already.
I’ll explain.
When I say stop being vulnerable, what I mean is stop the the habit of over analyzing, over explaining, over sharing, over fixing and over talking about everything you’re feeling with your woman.
Stop trying to fix your relationship with your woman.
Is it good to be vulnerable?
Yes, I’m a big fan of vulnerability and Brene Brown (I just watched her call to courage film on Netflix).
I love vulnerability.
I am a vulnerable man.
But a man has to know when to stop sharing his unhealthy sense of insecurity and dependence through vulnerability sharing with a woman thinking it’s going to improve your connection.
Sex Appeal comes from a little bit of mystery, a little bit of distance.
What I want you to start doing, is understanding that your vulnerability is important. But it’s where and when you use it that matters most.
Every man reading this article is intellectually gifted, he’s smart, he’s inquisitive, he’s curious, he’s sensitive, he’s romantic, he’s emotionally articulate.
Every guy who reads these articles, is that guy.
I want you to start focusing that energy you have in an area where it’s really welcomed, an area where it will work and really do some good, and that is with other high quality men.
The moment you start dumping your emotional baggage and all your feelings and fears in your relationship, that’s the moment you become an obligation for her to fix.
And that’s very unattractive.
What is attractive is when you own that stuff, sharing enough to explain how you feel without defending your feelings, but owning your stuff.
It’s very hard to learn to be a man who owns this stuff on your own.
The only way I’ve learned to do it is around other men who have learned this before me.
And so what I’ve created is my community of incredible men who are exactly like you, who have made the same mistakes trying to overshare, overthink, overanalyze and over fix everything, only to see things get worse.
These men find out that when they get into a community of other initiated, smart, productive, badass men, what happens is they get calmer, they get more confident, they get more Mojo, more swagger and they find out that the secret to creating sex appeal in their relationship is that less is more.
Be a little mysterious.
Shorten your answers.
Don’t dive in so much and don’t emotionally vomit over your woman thinking that she wants to fix you.
That’s not attractive.
Again, what is attractive is when you know what you believe about yourself, when you know how to feel your feelings without feeling dominated by them, you become the master of your emotional world, you become really clear that your confidence is coming from within not from whether you’re getting sex every night, or making a lot of money.
You get clear that confidence comes from a deeper and a higher place.
This is what we learn with other men, which is why I’ve created all these opportunities for you to get involved in the community.
You’re reading this so you’re already in this tribe.
You’re already doing something a little uncomfortable.
“Ironically, men are often pressured (by women) to open up and talk about their feelings, and they are criticized for being emotionally walled-off; but if they get too real, they are met with revulsion.” ~ Brene Brown
Brown recalled the first time she realized she had been complicit in the shaming and she said, “Holy Shit! I am the patriarchy!”
What do you do with this information?
I can see only ONE conclusion and it’s the same one I came to in 2012.
Dude…I need to up my game. I need better men in my life. I need men with the same depth of feeling, thought and passion I feel inside myself!
If it’s true that we are the average of the 5 men we hang around most, then some of us need to seriously “up our average”. This means adding new people in your life and possibly removing others to make some room.
It’s tough to do this, I know. I discontinued about 5 long time relationships to make room for a MUCH HIGHER AVERAGE.
The over-drinking, the over-eating, the same boring parties and the mind-numbing conversations had to stop. So I did. Cold turkey.
You can too. You must.
It would be pretty shitty of me to give you such advice without a suggestion on HOW to get started.
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
Why have we created SO MANY OPTIONS?
Because we are selfish bastards, that’s why.
We do this for ourselves to help us stay sharp.
We’re just inviting you along for the ride!
So what about you?
Are you ready yet to move into something a little different to shake up this current version of your life? All progress and growth comes from moving into discomfort.
Funny thing is that it’s never as uncomfortable as you think. And once you get started it’s impossible to stop.
What if this next year everything changed for you?
That’s what we want for you brother.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage .
