I talked with a guy this week and he was explaining his frustration at the ridiculousness of just one of the recent arguments he and his wife have had – this one in particular was about which door he uses to enter the house!
Do you ever find yourself in the middle of a stupid argument about stupid sh*t?
I used to do this all the time. Why?
Apparently because I used to really like being right. I liked to win arguments with my ninja logic and debating skills. I never paid attention to her point of view…all I knew was that it was stupid and I knew how to “fix it”.
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Kind of like THIS guy. (you’ll love this video)
I know, sometimes you just want to pull the freaking nail out and be done with it.
But what if most of the stupid arguments you’re getting in are about something else?
And what if your willingness to dive in and fight about stupid sh*t does nothing but reduce your sense of peace, confidence and attractiveness?
That’s exactly what’s happening, I assure you.
Deciding to step back, take a deep breath and approach stupid arguments differently will IMMEDIATELY increase your confidence and self-respect.
And it will likely improve your emotional and intimate connection with her…assuming that’s something you’re concerned about.
Watch this video for more details about how to do this.
I want to impart some old guy wisdom to you today, which is that one day you’ll look back at all the stupid arguments you’ve had and you’ll just roll your eyes and say “What was I thinking, how could I have believed that that was important enough to get into a fight about?!!!”
I can tell you that when you’re looking back, it’s easy to see that it was a younger part of you, a defensive, childish, boyish part of you that was getting into those stupid arguments about stupid stuff.
It’s usually because you needed to be right or needed to win or needed to defend yourself because you felt attacked, you were insecure, you weren’t confident.
One thing I know about you and EVERY guy we work with is that you want to feel more secure, you want to feel more confident, you want to feel more calm and peaceful in yourself and you want to have more self respect. And there is no better way to do that than to STOP arguing about stupid sh*t.
The guy I spoke to this week (lets call him Larry) who was arguing with his wife about which door he uses (he likes to come in the back door so that he doesn’t have to use his house keys)…well Larry likes to come in the back door every now and again unannounced which freaks his wife out, and every time he does it, she starts an argument.
And the fight goes something like this…
“Why do you have to use the back door? You know I don’t like you using the back door. I want you to use the front door. I just wish you would care enough about me to use the front door!”
So then he gets into an argument – a logical argument – about how stupid it is and why should it matter which door he uses?
He allows the attack from her to trigger him into an argument about stupid sh*t.
The thing I want to impart to you though is…
When something comes up like that, whether it’s how you load the dishwasher, which door you come in through or any little silly thing like this, it’s almost NEVER about the back door…it’s almost never about whether the pointy ends of the knives are pointing up or down in the dishwasher.
It’s about something else.
And a mature confident man who feels peaceful and easy in himself, has his self respect in-tact, he realizes that silly arguments are almost never bout what he thinks they’re about and that they’re always about something else.
What you have to know to be able to stay calm in these moments, is that there’s probably another perspective which she’s experiencing that requires some empathy from you.
So I asked Larry…
“What if he read a diary from when his wife was 14 and there was a mention in there from a time when her brother’s older friend came through the back door while she was home alone and sexually molested her there in the kitchen while she was home alone and she’s never told anyone about this her whole life? And now she’s 45 years old and every time he comes in through the back door and she hears that creak and slam of the door, she’s immediately transported back to being 14 years old again and instantly feels the fear of being abused or molested by an older boy.”
What if that’s the truth?
What if you just assumed every time something silly crops up in your relationship, that there’s some other reason for her reaction, she’s being triggered into an automatic reaction and it’s not about you.
One thing us guys need to do when the opportunity to get defensive, to be right, to win an argument or to counter-attack over stupid sh*t arises, it’s time to see that it’s not about you, it’s time to see that maybe there’s something else going on for her.
She may not ever be able to tell you what the real truth is, but one thing you have to know inside your head is that it’s not worth arguing about.
So if you’re not going to counter-attack or defend yourself or get into silly arguments, what are you going to do instead?
You find a way to get through it.
In the case of Larry and the back door…maybe he might think that there’s something connecting her to a back door trauma. Maybe he will decide that he doesn’t want to antagonize that fear by coming in through the back door.
At least, when he really needs to use it, he might text her 10 minutes ahead of time “Hey, I need to bring in the new TV through the back door and I just wanted to let you know that I’m 10 minutes away.”
That’s what people do when they’re in caring, loving relationships, they think about each other’s triggers. They don’t have to know everything behind it, they just have to know that it’s a trigger, and then they do something intentional, something conscious, something loving and compassionate.
I know that you want HER to do that for you, but you have to go first.
If you want something like empathy, compassion, love and respect from the person you live with, YOU have to show up with that every single day.
It’s not something that you have to battle for or compete for, you just show up as the man you want to be.
So that’s what I want you to get from this article today…
Instead of arguing about stupid sh*t, and finding yourself feeling defensive and attacking about things that just don’t matter. Think about it a different way. Think about the fact that there’s most likely another trigger that’s causing her to react that way. And then think of another way to deal with it that’s coming from a place of empathy and compassion and love.
When you do that, you’ll be more proud of yourself, you’ll feel more self-respect in your body, you’ll feel like you’re being the man that you want to be, you’ll feel calm and peaceful and can pat yourself on the back for not falling for another stupid argument.
If you’ve been caught in a downward spiral of negativity and arguing about stupid sh*t – and you want to change that – think about asking for help.
In only ONE consultation call, I often hear things like, “Holy crap, that was more useful than my last 6 months of marriage counseling!”
Because these calls are designed to serve you immediately and give you something tangible and actionable to work on. Tonight.
How can you have rock solid confidence and self-respect to be able to stay calm even when you’re in the middle of an argument about stupid sh*t?
That’s where we help men get to here at Goodguys2Greatmen. That’s our passion.
We want to help you rediscover the peace and calmness of knowing exactly how you want to respond to situations.
We want you to know that the frustration that you may feel too often right now doesn’t define you. It doesn’t define who you are or your future. You have more control than you think.
We’d love to have a conversation with you about this.
When we have a conversation, they can go 60 or 90 minutes and we cover everything that’s going on in your life. Everything she’s said, everything you’re feeling…
And what we want you to do, is walk away from this phone call, feeling like you have a glimmer of hope, that maybe the way you were thinking before the call was driving you into a pit of despair and we want to pull you out of that, at least for a day.
How do you learn how to be calm, confident and argument proof?
It’s done with the help of other men who have traveled your path. You must surround yourself with men who can help you change your mindset, your perspective and, ultimately, how you FEEL ABOUT YOU.
The problem most of us have is that we have no men in our lives to talk to about this who get it, have been through it and come out the other side. We’ve got nobody we can trust to give us clear feedback and positive support and guidance.
So what’s next?
I’ve created a powerfully EFFECTIVE experience and for you that promises to give you the calm, confident, peaceful mojo you want.
The very FASTEST way to change the way you’re thinking and find your confidence again is to join other men doing the same thing.
Here are some options for you to join us and start creating a whole new reality for yourself:
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Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
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We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
What if this next year everything changed for you?
That’s what we want for you brother.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
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