What to Do When Your Wife Says She’s Not in Love with You Anymore

When she says she’s not in love with you anymore it’s a clear sign that something needs to change in your relationship for it to survive but what? And how?

What should you think when your wife pops an unexpected surprise like this?

Speaking of unexpected surprises, here are a few more I’ve cataloged along my way working with unsuspecting husbands.

I just don’t feel that way about you anymore.

I think of you more as a friend now than anything else. There’s no spark anymore.

Free Guide: Where You Should Focus To Grow Your Masculinity >>

We just don’t connect anymore – never did really.

I don’t trust you anymore to take care of me.

I think we need to separate so I can find myself.

I need time away from you so I can work on myself.

And the crowd favorite…I love you but I’m not ‘in-love’ with you anymore.

When I talk with women who have used these lines they say, “I can’t believe he was so shocked and upset. How could he not know how bad things have been?”

And the husbands say the same thing I said when it was my turn, “Because I didn’t think things were that bad. Really, I didn’t.”

Maybe our relationship pain tolerance is higher than women. Maybe our expectations are too low. Maybe their expectations are too high.

Whatever gets a man to this point in his marriage, his next step is fairly predictable.


YouTube video

I Gotta Do Something Now!

When panic arrives a man is inspired into action. Any action. He will say or do or try anything he can to pull her back from the brink. He’s a talented problem solver and troubleshooter at work so this thing shouldn’t be so hard.

A little tweak here or there should get her right back on track. Buy her flowers. Take her on date. Plan a vacation. Initiate really deep conversations – every day. Surprise her with a new car. (yeah, even that one doesn’t work)

The problem with this plan of attack is that the solution – if there is one – has nothing to do with doing anything. But doing something is all we can think of. We are men of action and problems get solved by taking action – doing something, dammit. Whatever it takes.

I’m sorry to tell you this. There is nothing you can do. At this point, the best thing you can work on is who you are being – not what you’re doing.

Who you need to be – for both of you – is a calm, cool-headed man who knows he is going to be okay. You’ll need to be a man unafraid of asking other men for support. You’ll need to be a man who doesn’t require his wife to make him feel like a whole man.

You’re already whole. You’re already okay.

Here is Exactly What She’s Thinking

Sorry, again. I have no idea exactly what she’s thinking and the chances are neither does she. This is why trying to do something to “fix it” is a waste of time. She won’t respond to any desperate act of heroism on your part and it will likely make her respect you even less.

Many wives have described their feelings at this point like this:

I’m plagued with doubt every day. I don’t know what I should do.

I feel riddled with anxiety and sadness for feeling this way.

I’m ashamed of wanting to move away from him, he’s a good man.

I feel so stuck and insignificant. I don’t know who I am anymore.

I can feel good about everything when we’re apart but when he comes home I get sick to my stomach.

I hate feeling the way I do. I just want to run away.

See what I mean. No bouquet of roses, heartfelt talk or a brand new Mustang convertible will even touch this stuff.

Obviously, I’m not talking about a wife who has made a clear-headed, well planned, measured decision to end a relationship. I’m talking about something much more emotionally complex and distressing. Even she isn’t sure what’s going on. It could be related to depression, anxiety, hormonal changes or all three. Or something else. Therapist Sheryl Paul specializes in “relationship anxiety” and makes a living working with women with these symptoms. It’s seriously debilitating stuff.

That’s why you need to chill. You don’t have any control here.

You’re going to have to take a step back, take a deep breath and be a different man than you’re used to being. She needs your empathy more than she needs you to fix her. Your power now is in your ability to empathize with her feelings. You don’t have to understand what she is experiencing to do this.

And the very best thing you can do for yourself is to pretend you’ve witnessed an alien abduction. They may bring your wife back and they may not.

The impending uncertainty in your life is going to suck. You will want to scream, complain and argue. You will want to know how long this will last and when the aliens will return with your wife.

And you will consider relieving your pain quickly by just ending it now – before it gets worse.

How This is Going to End

Sorry, again. I can’t tell you how it’s going to end. But what I can tell you is this.

How you choose to respond to this new reality will determine how the next 10 years of your life will go.

If you implode into a messy, sticky puddle of anxiety, despair and self-loathing you will lock in a mindset and emotional state which can ruin you. And it will certainly drive her away faster and farther.

You’re going to have to be a little selfish. This means taking care of yourself so you can be more present with her. It means strengthening your emotional health and positive mindset, so you can be a safer harbor for her. Be this guy and you’ll stand the best chance of fighting off the aliens.

And this is the guy whose next 10 years can be amazing no matter what happens in the end.

If you are a husband facing aliens right now, I know this may feel like little consolation. You wanted a solution. You wanted a Hail Mary play.

You want to fix it and you think I’m telling you to “work on yourself”.

No. I’m telling you to not waste this unique opportunity. These are the times that will either bury a man in resentment and guilt or motivate him to create a new chapter in his life.

The latter is more fun.

The very FASTEST way to change the way you’re thinking and find your confidence again is to join other men doing the same thing.

Here are some options for you to join us and start creating a whole new reality for yourself:

The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.

Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.

We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.

If you want to become a man who knows and trusts himself to create the life and love he wants, apply for a free 90 minute consultation call I guarantee you’ll feel a whole lot better by the end of our talk.

author avatar
Dan Dore Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Dan Dore is a certified professional Men’s Coach specialising in helping men who are struggling and feeling unhappy and unfulfilled i their life and relationships. With over 20,000 hours experience coaching men to completely resolve their self-esteem and confidence issues and improve their ability to create emotional connection, build trust, earn respect, and lead the sexual intimacy and affection in their relationship whenever they want. No more fearing rejection or other people’s opinion of you - I want to help you finally be happy in yourself and trust your ability to create anything you want in your future.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

  • Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
  • Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
  • Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
  • Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
  • Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
  • Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
  • You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
  • Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

  • You won’t find negative, hateful language.
  • You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
  • You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
  • You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
  • You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

This is the secret your dad never told you about – You have more power than you know.

We respect your privacy, read our privacy policy here