I’ve discovered that a LOT of us have real hard time answering a really simple question.
Knowing the answer clearly and concisely can be the difference between a guy wallowing in limbo for years and a guy who quickly and consciously moves forward.
I think I know why it’s so hard to answer…it’s because we’re too busy focusing on another question instead.
What’s the simple question?
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“What do you want?”
I know! It sounds really easy, doesn’t it?
I’m not talking about when you’ve got a menu in your hand and the waitress says, Do you know what you want? Most of us nail that one with ease. (except my girlfriend, but that’s another newsletter)
I’m talking about a guy who is facing some really tough relationship stuff and experiencing an ongoing, disinterested, icy chill from his wife.
When I ask him, Do you know what you want? he answers quickly:
I’m tired of her ignoring me
I’m sick of feeling like her last priority
I’m don’t want to live another 20 yrs. like a roommate
I don’t want this to come crashing down on me and destroy my family!
Did you notice he didn’t answer the question. He listed things he doesn’t want and is focused solely on what he’s not getting.
So, I ask again, Do you know what you want?
And he’ll usually say something like, I want things to go back to the way they were…in the beginning!
The problem with that is no relationship stays the same. That hot and sweaty, lovey dovey beginning had a very short half-life.
When I keep pushing for what do you WANT…words start to trickle out.
A smile every now and then would be nice
Be more open and honest with each other
Feel a spark of desire to be in the same room and breathe the same air
Kindness and a little affection would be cool too
By the time we finish the conversation, he gets clearer and he might say,
What I want is a real relationship where both of us assume the best in each other and try on a daily basis to keep a connection going. I want a relationship based on mutual trust, respect, support and desire to be partners. I want a relationship where we share a common experience of life and also have freedom to explore our own interests and then come back together to share those experiences.
Now we’re talking! That’s something you can actually do something about.
I talk more about this in the video.
“If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t.” ~ Chuck Palahniuk (author of Fight Club)
In this next video, I want you to listen how actress Kristen Bell describes her actor husband and how he handled her tendency to “fight badly”.
This is obviously a guy who knows what he wants and when he’s willing to make a stand. He won’t accept toxic fighting…plain and simple.
Unless you CLEARLY know what you want and you can confidently and unapologetically ask for it, you’ll probably get something else.
She almost brags that he had an immovable expectation. She admits she’s attracted to the fact that he has really high personal standards and massive self-respect. He knows that if he doesn’t make this non-negotiable the marriage will surely fail.
And he doesn’t hesitate one second in saying so and describing clearly what he DOES want. While he got the result he hoped for it’s clear he wasn’t afraid of her reaction or the possible outcome.
I want you to acquire the critical life skill of confidently and unapologetically asking for what you want.
I want you to know with absolute clarity what kind of life and relationship you want. I want you to be courageous in declaring your non-negotiable standards.
And I want you to become the kind of man who knows how to create everything he wants without the fear of wondering who might join him on his ride.
You have a few options on how to learn this stuff.
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
What if this next year everything changed for you?
That’s what we want for you brother.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE
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