Why Your Wife And Marriage Is Sexless

Published on: August 3, 2020 | Last Updated on: March 27, 2024 by Steve Horsmon

I’ve discovered that a LOT of us have real hard time answering a really simple question.

Knowing the answer clearly and concisely can be the difference between a guy wallowing in limbo for years and a guy who quickly and consciously moves forward.

I think I know why it’s so hard to answer…it’s because we’re too busy focusing on another question instead.

What’s the simple question?

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“What do you want?”

I know! It sounds really easy, doesn’t it?

I’m not talking about when you’ve got a menu in your hand and the waitress says, Do you know what you want? Most of us nail that one with ease. (except my girlfriend, but that’s another newsletter)

I’m talking about a guy who is facing some really tough relationship stuff and experiencing an ongoing, disinterested, icy chill from his wife.

When I ask him, Do you know what you want? he answers quickly:

I’m tired of her ignoring me

I’m sick of feeling like her last priority

I’m don’t want to live another 20 yrs. like a roommate

I don’t want this to come crashing down on me and destroy my family!

Did you notice he didn’t answer the question. He listed things he doesn’t want and is focused solely on what he’s not getting.

So, I ask again, Do you know what you want?

And he’ll usually say something like, I want things to go back to the way they were…in the beginning!

The problem with that is no relationship stays the same. That hot and sweaty, lovey dovey beginning had a very short half-life.

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When I keep pushing for what do you WANT…words start to trickle out.

A smile every now and then would be nice

Be more open and honest with each other

Feel a spark of desire to be in the same room and breathe the same air

Kindness and a little affection would be cool too

By the time we finish the conversation, he gets clearer and he might say,

What I want is a real relationship where both of us assume the best in each other and try on a daily basis to keep a connection going. I want a relationship based on mutual trust, respect, support and desire to be partners. I want a relationship where we share a common experience of life and also have freedom to explore our own interests and then come back together to share those experiences.

Now we’re talking! That’s something you can actually do something about.

I talk more about this in the video.

“If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t.” ~ Chuck Palahniuk (author of Fight Club)

In this next video, I want you to listen how actress Kristen Bell describes her actor husband and how he handled her tendency to “fight badly”.

This is obviously a guy who knows what he wants and when he’s willing to make a stand. He won’t accept toxic fighting…plain and simple.

Unless you CLEARLY know what you want and you can confidently and unapologetically ask for it, you’ll probably get something else.

She almost brags that he had an immovable expectation. She admits she’s attracted to the fact that he has really high personal standards and massive self-respect. He knows that if he doesn’t make this non-negotiable the marriage will surely fail.

And he doesn’t hesitate one second in saying so and describing clearly what he DOES want. While he got the result he hoped for it’s clear he wasn’t afraid of her reaction or the possible outcome.

I want you to acquire the critical life skill of confidently and unapologetically asking for what you want.

I want you to know with absolute clarity what kind of life and relationship you want. I want you to be courageous in declaring your non-negotiable standards.

And I want you to become the kind of man who knows how to create everything he wants without the fear of wondering who might join him on his ride.

You have a few options on how to learn this stuff.

The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.

Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.

We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.

What if this next year everything changed for you?

That’s what we want for you brother.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE

You can watch all my videos here and read my blog articles here.

See what life changing results you’re missing out on here.

Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach

Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on well known coachign and psychology television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels related to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides intensely personal, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor who teaches his clients to discover their masculine power, take bold action and create the life they want. He has written articles and guest blogs for numerous relationship and expert websites.

See Full Bio

Frequently Asked Questions

Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

You won’t find negative, hateful language.
You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

Have questions about your relationship?

Apply for a free, no strings, 90 minute deep dive personalized coaching session to help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you moving toward the future you want. We offer a unique form of Men's Coaching and we attract smart guys who see through surface level hype and bravado. We hide nothing and hold nothing back. We know that everything you want is behind your fear and skepticism…just like it was for us.

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More related articles for you:

Want To Be More Confident In Your Relationship?
I’m Putting Her First, Why is She Still Unhappy?
How To Know Whether to Fix Your Marriage or Leave it
Sexless Marriage? How to Become Attractive to Your Wife Again
The Kind Of Confidence That Your Wife Is Attracted To