If your wife wants to leave your marriage you may be desperately wanting to know why so that you can fix the problem and convince her to change her mind. But that urgent, anxious panicking is definitely not attractive and is more likely to push her further away, so what do you do?
Every Husband Wants To Know “Why?!”
- Why doesn’t she love me anymore?
- Why didn’t she tell me how she felt earlier?
- Why would she do this to our kids?
- Why would she find HIM more desirable me?
- Why would she choose a certain crappy life over staying with me?
- Why won’t she talk about it?
- Why won’t she tell me what to do so I can prevent this sh*t show from happening?!
Thirty days ago I was walking around a festival in St. Michaels, Maryland sipping a beer and enjoying the warm, moist, brackish air of the Chesapeake Bay where I grew up.
A man about my age walked up to me. He was tall, weathered, and obviously on some sort of mission. He approached me with a card in his hand and he was holding it out to me.
Yeah, I had that feeling of, “Jeez dude, really, I’m just walking around here.”
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In 10 minutes I would clearly understand his mission and feel his undying determination to make meaning from a tragedy.
His 23-year-old daughter, Hanna, had been killed recently in a boating accident.
She was an amazing daughter, sister, friend and human being.
Her boyfriend and she were cruising in their boat when they suddenly slammed into a sandbar in about 17 inches of water. She flew over the bow so fast her boyfriend couldn’t stop the boat from running over her and causing the head trauma which became her cause of death.
Why? Why?! Why?!?!
I spent about 20 minutes with Hanna’s dad listening to his story. He spoke about the horror and sadness of losing a child. He talked about his journey to make sense of it. He described with passion his determination to make her life have meaning and her story to help others.
He told me about his “Check the Tide Before You Ride” mission. He wanted Hanna and her story to educate others and possibly save lives.
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I told him how sorry I was for the loss of his daughter and told him how amazing he was as a man and father. It was inspiring to meet someone who suffered such a tragic loss and decided to turn his WHY into something meaningful and useful to others.
I could certainly relate to him. But my “silly little divorce story” seemed to pale in comparison to the pain he must be suffering.
I had no idea this tall man with the serious face was about to change my day. He gave me a shift in perspective I want to share with you today.
In this video I talk briefly about this perspective and how to change your WHY question into a WHAT question.
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When you ask WHAT instead of WHY you give yourself space to learn, grow and move forward.
One of the hardest parts of coaching men facing possible divorce is their incessant focus on getting answers. I get it.
Us problem solving warriors believe if we can analyze, dissect, troubleshoot enough, we can FIX it. With more data and information we can SAVE it. And with enough explanation and apology we can certainly make her WANT us again.
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It is difficult to help a man understand that his incessant demands for answers is precisely the worst way to address the real problem.
We teach you to ask WHAT instead.
What To Focus On When Your Wife Wants To Leave
- What’s REALLY happening here?
- What can I learn from this?
- What if this isn’t all about me?
- What if I didn’t panic right now?
- What would slowing down and being patient do for this situation?
- What if she really doesn’t know what she wants?
- What is the truth behind waning commitment and attraction?
- What would my future look like if I was suddenly all alone?
- What can I do that will make me feel stronger, calmer and clearer so I can relax and get some sleep?
Coaching is about helping you get a new perspective.
New information.
New questions.
And a whole new way of “solving” your relationship and marriage issues without using a hammer and a blow torch.
A Practical Process For When Your Wife Wants To Leave
There is a PROCESS for dialing back your anxiety and the unproductive pressure on her.
A PROCESS for slowing down and looking at her differently… more compassionately.
A PROCESS for BEING different than you’ve ever been.
This process is exactly how men end up saying stuff like this in our private Facebook group.
“When [your coach] says you are gonna be alright…better than alright… trust it. When I got hit with the [divorce] bomb like others I was broken. What about my kids? Look at all I worked for! Couldn’t eat or sleep. Put in the work and it will get better. I am gonna crush it for me…for myself, yes, but every step of the the way I will carry the thoughts of you all. I have been there in the darkest hole and it hurts. Embracing the suck through the worst hurt is the best healing and there’s a world beyond belief full of amazing people and fulfillment just for you. Let this inspire you all of you to get back on the horse.”
Purpose. Confidence. Fulfillment. You can have those things even when she wants out of the relationship. Kick-start your growth process by focusing on “what” not “why”
If you’re ready to dive into the community of men who are just like you, you’ll want to join our GG2GM Men’s Roundtable. It’s an incredibly powerful and affordable way to surround yourself with tons of men who are doing the work and have already made great progress toward becoming the clear, confident and courageous men we all want to be.
If you are on the brink of divorce and want an INTENSELY POWERFUL EXPERIENCE, you will want to take the How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb course and join the private group with hundreds of men in the PROCESS of learning, growing and healing. This course will give you immediate clarity and relief…and a healthy new perspective on what’s really happening.
Some guys are ready for a live conversation. A deep, personal dive into your specific situation with real answers and solid coaching. If this is you and you want to experience what one-on-one coaching feels like, you just need to ask. Send me your information using this form and we’ll get connected ASAP.
