I recently discussed why one key to avoiding divorce was a matter of courage. There are many examples of courageous behavior you can learn about in your marriage. When you choose to be courageous from a place of love in your heart, you immediately increase her desire to be with you!
It takes a man of courage to do LESS sometimes. I want to share 3 secrets of how a few of my clients have made major improvements in their marriages.
The most important thing to understand about doing LESS is your motivation. In each example below, your only motivation is to create certain FEELINGS in your wife.
You must understand you have the ability to create feelings of safety, attraction, and desire. You can also do the opposite.
It took me YEARS to understand this simple fact. No amount of logic, analysis, or good intentions can replace the importance of creating GOOD FEELINGS.
Any attempts you make to scrutinize or analyze your wife will always jeopardize her ability to feel safe and attracted to you. She feels scrutiny and analysis just like you might feel a room full of women pointing at your penis and laughing.
Seriously – it’s that bad.
Secret #1 – Ask Fewer Questions!
I’m not talking about good, heartfelt, connection making questions like, “What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?” That and many like it are great questions.
I’m talking about questions that start with, “Why can’t you…?” -Or- “What did you mean when…?” -Or- “How in the world did you…?”
These types of questions are nearly always a result of some disagreement or misunderstanding that makes a guy want an explanation. These whiny questions come from a place of unattractive insecurity and a lack of confidence.
He wants to analyze what has been done or said and find a way to fix it. In many cases, he is asking a series of questions which are meant to lead her to either agreeing with him or agreeing that she’s being ridiculous.
Don’t do this. She sees it a mile away and immediately feels judged, threatened, and unsafe in your presence. These are not the feelings you want.
My client, Tom, would do this frequently when he felt his wife was being overly emotional or overly reactive with someone or something.
After one coaching session on this topic, he learned the value of STATEMENTS instead of questions. He learned to pin point HIS values and feelings about what was happening and would STATE something like, “We may not see this the same way, but I see it’s important to you. I’m all ears.” -Or- “That’s not how I would have responded, but I’ve got your back.” -Or- “Your disrespectful tone is out of bounds. I don’t treat you that way and I won’t accept it from you.”
The energy changed drastically for Tom. His wife wasn’t always happy with his response. But, she felt so much safer in his calm confidence. She stopped leaving the room in a huff and would stay with him as she trusted his responses more and more.
During heated moments, whenever you hear a question coming out of your mouth, consider a statement instead.
Secret #2 – Fix Less
I know you’ve heard this a thousand times, but most guys don’t REALLY understand how it makes her feel when you do it.
We’re not talking about fixing the leaking faucet or the kids’ constant fighting. Those are important things which need your proactive attention.
I’m talking about fixing less of her problems. Whether she is talking about her parents, her girlfriends, her boss, or her anxiety level – don’t try to fix things. Why?
Because it will normally sound something like, “Well, if it was me….” -Or- “I don’t why you don’t just….” -Or- “What you need to do is…”
Again, each one of those sounds like judgment and analysis. They also FEEL condescending and disrespectful.
And worst of all, they sound like you are not willing to just listen.
Listen and encourage her. Tell her you know she will figure it out. Remind her of a time when she handled something equally tough. Tell her you have faith in her strength, intuition, and compassion.
But don’t make her feel inadequate by telling her how obvious the solutions are to you. Those are not the feelings you want to create.
My client, Bill, is a talented engineer, problem solver, king fixer of everything. He learned to separate his natural talent for troubleshooting and fixing THINGS from his role in listening to FEELINGS. It became clear to him that her feelings were not open for analysis and probing. They were real and valid to her and that’s all he needed to accept. Judging her feelings in the past created anger and resentment in his wife. Those are not the feelings he wanted to create.
Once Bill became comfortable calmly facing his wife and leaning into her feelings with patience and respect, she felt safer in his company. She was comfortable spending more time with him talking about things and improving their connection. This is exactly what allowed her intimate desire for him to heat up!
Don’t try to fix her feelings. Lean into her energy. Listen. CREATE better feelings.
Secret #3 – Fewer Negative Reminders
This is a critical skill a lot of us mess up. Negative thoughts, feelings, and memories in your woman are like poison. There is enough negativity in our lives today without bringing up more of it. And some women seem to be drawn to the negativity and drama in their day.
A man who can guide her mind into positive thoughts, feelings, and memories will instantly become the most desirable person in her life.
This means two things:
1. Initiate positive discussions, plans, events with her as often as you can
2. Stop bringing up past negative arguments and incidents.
As his relationship started to improve, my client, Jake, would often remind his wife of how bad things used to be. He thought the comparison between then and now was a good way to show her how much progress they made. Her response? “Why do you always bring up that stuff?”
He learned to stop leading her mind into past negative feelings. Sometimes even “funny” reminders of some really horrible times could put his wife into a negative funk for hours. These were not the feelings he wanted to create.
Jake began to talk about the future. He would talk about their dreams, business goals, planned vacations, or anything positive that had happened.
Whenever she initiated negativity, he would not avoid it or move away from it. He just stayed with her and allowed her to feed off his positive energy when she was ready for it. She felt safe and attracted to his strength and optimism. These are the feelings he wanted to create.
The Bottom Line
These 3 secrets are just a few important lessons men can learn about creating safety, attraction, and desire within their wives.
A woman’s attraction and desire for you is all about how she FEELS with you. By learning to do LESS, you can create MORE.
Every relationship is different and every man may need a fresh perspective on what he can do less of. That’s why I’m here for you.
Call or email me this week so we can discover how you can do less to create more desire!
As soon as we connect on the free Discovery Call, I will ask you if you have an hour to settle in. I’ll ask you if you are in a private, comfortable place to talk.
I’ll ask you to take a deep breath so we can start getting REAL with each other fast. The hour will go by super fast and your head will be swimming. You will wish you wrote something down.
Then, you will tell me that you feel a LOT better just by getting it out and realizing that you’ve got a lot of hope.