The #1 affliction most men have at the very start of marriage trouble is….
Anxiety (noun: A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.)
Does that sound about right?
Almost overnight we can go from “happy go lucky” to “holy crap my life is falling apart!”
And because we’re “fixers”, we immediately look for something to fix it. But the problem is we always begin the search outside of our own head. And that’s the LAST place most people want to look.
I won’t pretend to be an expert on anxiety and it’s cousin – depression. There are about 3,102 books written about it. I would agree with Mark Manson in that article link I just gave you. It’s best to be brutally honest about anxiety.
So that’s what I’m going to do here.
After coaching 100’s of men I’ve learned a very small percentage have the type of anxiety requiring medical attention. In other words, there’s not a chemical imbalance – there’s a THINKING imbalance.
And when it comes to the acute type of “marriage anxiety” I see in men who discover she’s “not happy” or “loves him but isn’t IN LOVE with him”, the problem is often he simply has pigeon-holed his THINKING.
He’s been thinking that the meaning, purpose and significance of his life is wholly contained in his role of husband, father and provider. Those are important roles. But when they become his ONLY source of well-being, confidence, validation and worthiness…he’s pretty much screwed.
I talk about the importance of having a mission and its relationship to male anxiety in this snowy video.
“P.S. You’re not going to die. Here’s the white-hot truth: if you go bankrupt, you’ll still be okay. If you lose the gig, the lover, the house, you’ll still be okay. If you sing off-key, get beat by the competition, have your heart shattered, get fired…it’s not going to kill you. Ask anyone who’s been through it.” ~Danielle LaPorte
One of my favorite reassurances for anxious men is, “You’re not only going to be okay…you’re already okay but you can’t see it right now.”
It’s the level of our THINKING that determines our level of “okayness” at any given moment.
Circumstances are just, well, circumstances. WE get to decided what meaning to give them and how we will respond to them.
And when we’ve been living our life in the microcosm of husband/father/provider everything looks scary. We don’t have a larger concept of our life – our purpose – our mission.
Living small makes change look terrifying. And living out of integrity with your authentic self and your core value leads to dark places.
“If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.” ~Brene Brown
I can’t overstate the importance of having a mission that lights you up.
Something that allows you to express your deepest passions and zone of genius keeps you authentic. Feeling “lit up” is the experience of being totally aligned with your non-negotiable values and terms for living the life YOU want.
But don’t worry about “finding” it immediately.
What if you simply made your current MISSION a dedicated process of finding your mission?
That’s probably a really great start for most of us.
And for many of the men in my community, that’s exactly what they’re doing. I’ve noticed that for each man new doors are opening. New ideas. New opportunities.
They are calmer, happier, more confident, more connected and unapologetically honest and vulnerable.
That’s exactly what a mission can do for you.
If you’re still “looking for your mission”, I suggest getting involved with other mature, initiated men doing the same work.
I created this community as part of my mission and love to share with anyone who wants to play.
Maybe you’ll decide to join the GG2GM Live Coaching Roundtable. This is one “lit up” group of men meeting live, twice a month with Dan Dore and I.
Maybe you’ll decide to take a spot in the Mexico Mojo Mastery retreat in March or the Unapologetic, Confident Man retreat in the UK in April. These are amazing, all-inclusive experiences that will change your life.
Or maybe you’ll just fill out my contact form and ask for a deep dive consultation with one of the wise, powerful men’s coaches on my team.
My recommendation when it comes to starting your mission of finding your mission is this:
ANY decision is better than NO decision.
The very FASTEST way to change the way you’re thinking and find your confidence again is to join other men doing the same thing.
Here are some options for you to join us and start creating a whole new reality for yourself:
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
What if this next year everything changed for you?
That’s what we want for you brother.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE
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