I remember how alone I felt when I heard the words.
“I just don’t feel in love or attracted to you anymore. I’m not sure we ever had that kind of connection.”
It was like I was the only man in the world going through it and nobody else had ever felt this kind of pain and confusion.
Nobody could possibly understand the level of desperation and anguish that comes from feeling like your life is being yanked right out from under you
Of course, I was wrong.
What I learned pretty quickly was that there were THOUSANDS of men out there exactly like me. In fact, their stories were shockingly similar.
Same sequence of events.
Same weird behavior. Same words and phrases.
Same inability for her to say anything remotely rational.
The answer, “I just don’t know.” was applied to every single question.
The Funny Thing Is…
The weird thing that began to happen after a few months of intense personal work, research and talking with other men is…
I started to laugh.
Not the rolling-on-the-floor kind of laughing.
It was more like how I laughed while watching a spider monkey in a cowboy hat ride a border collie while herding sheep. (It was the half-time show at a rodeo…don’t judge me.)
And yeah, it was bizarre. Freakish to watch. And oddly funny.
Laughing at my own situation was only possible when I started to see the truth about what was happening and why.
It wasn’t all about me. And I want you to know it’s not all about you either.
There’s a freaky half-time circus show that goes on inside the mind and body of many, many women. They start searching for something they’ve lost. It’s out of their control and it’s certainly out of yours.
Once you understand what you’re watching, the hurt starts to give way to curiosity and yes, humor.
If you’re in the middle of the crap right now, I realize you might think I’m crazy. Hey, I’m just giving you a glimpse into your future.
You will get through it. You will not die.
And if you choose to, you will learn, grow, excel and become more aware and alive than you’ve felt in the last 20 years.
How do I know this?
Because I’m lucky enough to help men follow the steps they need to get there every day. It’s kind of like rubbing the sleep out of your eyes and feeling like you’re really getting your shit together again.
There is a certain strategy you need to learn. With the strategy comes key skills and, most importantly, a stronger MINDSET that causes you to take bold new action. Action gives you confidence, energy and momentum.
Will all this save your marriage? Who knows?
And if you focus only on that, you’ll be distracted from doing what really matters. That’s focusing on you and what you can control.
I made this video to help you get clear-headed about this. This is a video about hope.
Today I want to talk about the emails I’ve been getting. I’ve received about ten of them just this week.
These emails tell a story.
It’s a story of finding out that their wife isn’t in love with them. It’s a story about finding out that the life they thought they were going to live is starting to blow up in their face.
This story is so common. It’s so unbelievably repeatable. It’s the same story that I heard years ago and when I was reading it I was shaking my head, crying and laughing at the same time and wondering how this could happen. How could I be reading another man’s story and yet I could just switch in my name and my wife’s name into the story and it would be the same as my story.
The same words. The same sequence of events. The same comments and phrases being used.
It was uncanny.
And so when I get repeated emails from guys like I have this week that saying things such as:
“I just found out this week that she has been texting another guy”
“I just found out that she really doesn’t feel for me like she used to”
“She said that she never really had many romantic feelings for me or she doesn’t any more”
“We never had this connection and I don’t see a future for us”
“She’s numb and emotionally checked out and she can’t see any way through this”
“She wants to know how this is going to go”
“She wants to separate”
“She wants space”
If you’ve heard any of those words, this video is for you.
I chuckle, not to make fun of any of it. I chuckle because it’s so ridiculous. It’s so repeatable and so common that hundreds of guys per day are experiencing this.
I know this doesn’t make you feel any better.
Later it can.
Later it can when you find out that the reasons that this is happening to you is not because you’re an inadequate man or a bad husband or a bad father. It’s not because you’re not good enough or because you screwed up your whole life and have done a lot of things wrong.
That’s what I want you to know from this video…that when you hear this story about her “needing space” or “needing to separate” or “not thinking that we’re gonna make it” or “not seeing herself in this relationship going forward” or “not feeling the way I used to about you” or “I love you but I’m not in love with you”…those kind of things.
Know that you’re not alone.
Know that the reasons that these things happen are stuck in the emotions of the feminine which you may never understand.
One thing that I like to help you to do is to understand what’s going on inside a woman when this happens to her.
It’s not a time to get hateful and resentful and angry – even though you want to – You’re probably thinking “how could she do this?”, “how could she break up the family?”, “how could she possibly think that being apart would be better for our kids than being together?”
But you have to know that what’s going on inside a woman who is pulling away from everything she’s ever known (the story that you felt was ‘supposed to happen’) are things that you’ll never understand.
It’s depression and insecurity and anxiety and fear and all kinds of uncertainty that makes her think that the only place that she can feel normal again is away from you and away from the family.
And so, with just a little bit of empathy, a guy can find some breathing room to look at himself and say “Maybe this isn’t all about me”. “Maybe this isn’t all about how bad I am””, or “how I could have saved this” or “if I only would have been better of the last few years”…
It’s easy to feel guilty or to feel shame like you are some kind of a mistake.
We do make mistakes and we do learn from them.
What I want you to know is that this process is a process that triggers a transformation in men.
This process of pain and discovery – seeing what the world really is about and what love, life, sex and women are really about – is the thing that launches you into a whole new perspective on life.
Men survive this. Sometimes they save their marriage.
I gotta tell you honestly that I don’t give a shit about your wife or your marriage as much as I give a shit about you and about you realizing that this point in your life is the single most motivating point (as fearful and painful as it is) for you to decide to step up your game.
How you respond to this is going to determine the quality of the next 20 years of your life.
Whether you stay with her or not.
There are women, relationships, activities, fun, connection, sex and intimacy to be had in the world with your kids, with your friends, with your family and with other women.
The only thing you don’t know is whether the face of the woman that you’re with right now, is the one that you’ll be with forever.
You have to get to the point where you realize that your future is not determined by her loving you.
The quality of your future, your aliveness, your vitality in your relationships, the wealth and innovation you experience…is not tied to her liking you and approving you and in keeping everybody under one roof.
The sad thing about marriage is that we have math and statistics that tell us, that the day you got married you had about a 50/50 shot of this working out in the way that you imagined it might. that story in your head as to how love, life, marriage and raising a family might go.
Those odds stay with you. The day you got married they were about 50/50 and they’re about 50/50 now.
And I know that math doesn’t help you right now, but I’m trying to just talk a little reason right now to help you understand that you’re one of millions of brothers in this situation that are seeing the math play out the way it does sometimes.
You can’t let it define your future.
So my question to you is…How do you want to use your next 20 years? You’ve got 2, 3 maybe 4 decades of life to go yet.
Don’t let this one incident, this one event, this one little hiccup in your life, cause you to miss out on the next 2 or 3 or 4 decades.
How do you want to use them?
What is your legacy?
What do you want to create?
Who do you want to be?
Outside of the relationship with your wife…what do you want to do?
That’s what I help guys do. That’s my passion.
If I get a little rambling on these videos it’s because my mind is scrambling for the things I want to tell you and share with you about the aliveness that’s available to you in your future. That you can create your reality. And that the pain that you may be feeling right now, does not define you or your future.
You have more control than you think.
I’d love to have a conversation with you about that.
When I get into these phone calls with you, we go for 60 or 90 minutes and we cover everything that’s going on in your life. Everything she’s said, everything you’re feeling. And what I want you to do, is walk away from this phone call with me feeling like you have got a glimmer of hope and that maybe the way you were thinking before you contacted me, was driving you into a pit of despair.
I want to pull you out of that…at least for a day.
If you’re ready for someone to talk to – someone who has walked in your shoes and found the way through the mess… then apply for a consultation call. I guarantee you’ll feel better by the end of our talk.
This is also a topic we’ll be covering in depth in our next Group coaching program starting at the end of June.
It’s booking out fast and we now only have 2 spots left.
There are incredible breakthroughs we make when men team up and work together.
It’s about feeling heard and understood maybe for the first time ever.
It’s about that calm, confident, peaceful feeling we get when we see the truth about our masculine power and ability to live what we dream.
And it’s about creating new connections and a support network most men don’t have before they die.
I want to meet you, connect with you and build a life-long relationship with you. And I want you to want that with other men too.
We’ve already got some amazing guys from around the world booked in, You need to meet these guys. And they need to meet you.
Read more about our Mens Cave Group Coaching Program.