The #1 affliction men have when they first realise that their marriage is in trouble is….
Anxiety
(noun: A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.)
Does that sound about right?
Almost overnight we can go from “happy go lucky” to “holy crap my life is falling apart!”
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And because we’re “fixers”, we immediately look for something to fix it. But the problem is we always begin the search outside of our own head. And that’s the LAST place most people want to look.
I won’t pretend to be an expert on anxiety and it’s cousin – depression. There are about 3,102 books written about it. It’s best to be brutally honest about anxiety.
So that’s what I’m going to do here.
After coaching 1000’s of men I’ve learned a very small percentage have the type of anxiety requiring medical attention. In other words, there’s not a chemical imbalance – there’s a THINKING imbalance.
And when it comes to the acute type of “marriage anxiety” I see in men who discover she’s “not happy” or “loves him but isn’t IN LOVE with him”, the problem is often he simply has pigeon-holed his THINKING.
He’s been thinking that the meaning, purpose and significance of his life is wholly contained in his role of husband, father and provider.
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Those are important roles. But when they become his ONLY source of well-being, confidence, validation and worthiness…he’s pretty much screwed.
I talk about the importance of having a mission and its relationship to male anxiety in this snowy video.
“P.S. You’re not going to die. Here’s the white-hot truth: if you go bankrupt, you’ll still be okay. If you lose the gig, the lover, the house, you’ll still be okay. If you sing off-key, get beat by the competition, have your heart shattered, get fired…it’s not going to kill you. Ask anyone who’s been through it.” ~ Danielle LaPorte
One of my favorite reassurances for anxious men is, “You’re not only going to be okay…you’re already okay but you can’t see it right now.”
It’s the level of our THINKING that determines our level of “okayness” at any given moment.
Circumstances are just, well, circumstances. WE get to decided what meaning to give them and how we will respond to them.
And when we’ve been living our life in the microcosm of husband/father/provider everything looks scary. We don’t have a larger concept of our life – our purpose – our mission.
Living small makes change look terrifying. And living out of integrity with your authentic self and your core value leads to dark places.
“If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.” ~ Brene Brown
I can’t overstate the importance of having a mission that lights you up.
Something that allows you to express your deepest passions and zone of genius keeps you authentic. Feeling “lit up” is the experience of being totally aligned with your non-negotiable values and terms for living the life YOU want.
But don’t worry about “finding” it immediately.
What if you simply made your current MISSION a dedicated process of finding your mission?
That’s probably a really great start for most of us.
And for many of the men in my community, that’s exactly what they’re doing. I’ve noticed that for each man new doors are opening. New ideas. New opportunities.
They are calmer, happier, more confident, more connected and unapologetically honest and vulnerable.
That’s exactly what a mission can do for you.
If you’re still “looking for your mission”, I suggest getting involved with other mature, initiated men doing the same work.
I created this community as part of my mission and love to share with anyone who wants to play.
Free: If you’re serious about building your masculine mojo then apply for a coaching call with us we will help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you feeling confident again.
What do I mean by “SERIOUS”?
- We take YOU and your struggles seriously…because we’ve been there
- We know living in a sexless marriage is serious…and so is showing your kids what a healthy affectionate relationship looks like
- A lack of intimacy of all kinds is serious now and for the long term health of your marriage
- We believe your personal emotional strength and well-being is serious
- We seriously show up 110% to our conversations with you and expect you to be as serious as we are about changing your life
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$69 Monthly Subscription: Join Dan and I in our Men’s Roundtable Group Coaching membership. We meet three times per month for live group coaching and we support you in a powerful group of men facing the same issues you are. Get instant access to 5 years of recorded sessions. Try it for one month. What have you got to lose?
$397 One-Time Payment: How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a self-paced course with me, Tim Wade, and a community of men learning how to lead when you’ve just heard, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” or “I want to separate or divorce.”
As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
