Fed-Up Being an Unhappy Husband In a Miserable Marriage?

Are you an unhappy husband in a miserable marriage pretending to be happy? I was for many years, but to everyone else it looked like my life was great!!

Every chronically unhappy husband I work with is battling a very common affliction.

It’s his mindset.

The way he thinks about his role and his life as a married man is in need of what I call a “mojo makeover”.

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And until he decides to buckle down and focus on changing his self-sabotaging thoughts he will continue feeling what he’s feeling and getting what he’s getting.

He will keep trying to “make her happy”. He will constantly worry about what she thinks of him.

And he’ll continue doing anything and everything to get her attention, gain her approval and feel her appreciation.

He will jump through more and more hoops each day just so she might give him want he wants.

In his mind he’s been a really “good husband”. The best kind. The caring, attentive, provider kind.

Everything would be fine if she would just acknowledge that and validate him.

(Note: Obviously, mojo makeovers are equally essential for chronically unhappy wives. There are many resources out there for that.)

Why “Good Guy” Doesn’t Always Equal Good Husband

A client I’ll call “Kevin” told me once that his wife just blurted out one day, “Just because you’re a good guy doesn’t make you a good husband!”

“What the hell does that mean?” he asked me.

Kevin is like thousands of unhappily married men who aren’t getting what they want from marriage.

He’s a powerful and competent man at work. He is highly respected and appreciated by his co-workers and his clients. Kevin is decisive, quick witted, funny and persuasive.

He has a pretty tight group of friends and considers himself a caring, sensitive and conscious guy.

After hearing how he was operating in his marriage, I was able to pinpoint the problem.

Kevin is used to getting what he wants. His relationship skills outside of his marriage are effective at engineering the outcomes he desires. He knows how to get people to like him and get their agreement with doing the things he wants them to do.

Outside of his relationship it seems to work pretty well. His wife knows this about him. She sees how effective he is at work and how people gravitate toward his confident and assertive nature. He is patient and kind with everyone.

Except her.

She doesn’t respond to his manipulations and subtle games of getting his needs met and that pisses him off. He not only wants her to want him…he needs it more than anything.

While he gets his “validation bucket” filled easily at work, it’s not so easy at home. He relies heavily on his wife to make him feel okay about his masculine value and his sexual worthiness on a daily basis.

His need for external validation from her is insatiable. His subsequent dark moods, angry outbursts and seething resentment create a predictable pattern in their relationship.

He wants to know how to change her.

How can he make her more appreciative and desirous of him?

Shouldn’t she want to make him happy?

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Being a Happy Man First – Happy Husband Second

Kevin’s personal challenge is hardly rare these days.

I didn’t escape it either.

It’s the mindset and belief that we are dependent on outside validation and acceptance in order to be happy men.

It’s the trap of holding others hostage for making us feel whole and worthy.

It makes us resent them for not filling those needs. And, in turn, they resent us for being given an utterly impossible assignment.

I regarded women, sex and marriage as oases from which my sense of well-being could be filled – anytime I needed. Feeling like a happy man required me to be dependent on feminine approval, sexual surrender and unconditional commitment.

Perhaps like me, you are the product of a few generations of men who have obtained their PhD’s in the art of pleasing women and using relationships with them as the wellspring for your sense of masculine purpose and value.

This is a habit we develop early on when we find easy targets in our mothers, aunts and teachers who are all too willing to let us drink from their generous fountain of approval and “attaboys”. This is exacerbated by the absence of strong, masculine role models to teach us another way.

So what now? We’re decades past our formative years and still confused on what to do next.

The only possible way to achieve true happiness inside our relationships is to take responsibility for learning what it truly means to be a happy man outside our relationships.

First things first.

This means we must deliberately and mercifully release those we’ve held accountable for our happiness. I don’t mean leave them – I mean release the pressure from them. Not only will they feel a massive wave of relief as we lighten their load…so will we.

As we take our own initiative we will feel the departure of our clinging inner boy who has feared this day for some time now.

The Key to Becoming a Happy Man

Learning to become a happy man is your paramount mission.

Nothing else is more important and nothing else will improve your life more dramatically.

Men first approach me with this problem when their intimate, committed, romantic relationship has hit a wall. It’s in these relationships where we first feel the intense pain of masculine inadequacy and powerlessness.

It’s the first time our lack of emotional self-reliance is so vulnerably exposed. And our women don’t waste much time testing that sensitive underbelly. They can’t and won’t accept our demands for attention and validation like our mothers and teachers did.

It’s actually a favor if you can get yourself to see the beauty in it. I know how tough that can be.

The key to becoming a happy man inside our relationships is to learn that we already have everything we need inside of us to be happy.

We have the ability, imagination and initiative to create whatever we want and to become whatever we want.

Happiness comes from choosing to manipulate our own circumstances – not the people around us.

If we no longer want to be an unhappy man who seeks his well-being and worthiness from others, we can change that circumstance. If we want to feel more confident in ourselves and our sexual value we can change that circumstance.

And if we want to build emotional self-reliance and a sense of personal power, we can change that circumstance.

This is totally achievable when we develop more clarity around our personal values and self-expectations. We must reprogram our confused notions about our masculine value, women and sex.

And we have to accept responsibility for believing in our own self-worth and developing the confidence to stand strong in what we expect from ourselves and for ourselves.

Is it significantly more work to do that than to demand others to do it for us?

Yes.

But which one will create the real results and lasting happiness we want for our next 30 years?

If you want to learn more about how to be comfortable, confident and peaceful in your own skin, I’d love to help show you the way. Get started today, here’s your first step…

Go HERE to apply for a Free “Happy Man Mojo” coaching call to learn exactly how you can start changing things tomorrow.

The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Steve and Dan lead this community with 9 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls three times per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.

Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and Steve host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.

We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.

author avatar
Dan Dore Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Dan Dore is a certified professional Men’s Coach specialising in helping men who are struggling and feeling unhappy and unfulfilled i their life and relationships. With over 20,000 hours experience coaching men to completely resolve their self-esteem and confidence issues and improve their ability to create emotional connection, build trust, earn respect, and lead the sexual intimacy and affection in their relationship whenever they want. No more fearing rejection or other people’s opinion of you - I want to help you finally be happy in yourself and trust your ability to create anything you want in your future.

Frequently Asked Questions


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While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

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We take you through a process to:

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  • Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
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Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

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We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

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We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

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The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

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