The Kind Of Confidence That Your Wife Is Attracted To

Every other week I get together with a bunch of amazing guys in Fort Collins, CO. It’s our “Men, Marriage and Sex” Meetup group.

Recently we were talking about the difference between healthy self-confidence, arrogance and plain old assholism. (It’s like a disease)

I threw out the notion that healthy confidence in a man is where he consciously cares about what others think, feel, fear and dream…but he doesn’t give a crap what they think about him, his values or his mission.

This always confuses guys at first. Just the phrase “doesn’t give a crap” makes them feel like an asshole. That’s part of their problematic “good guy” social programming.

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I word it like that to get a rise out of people. It challenges them. Both men and women usually bristle at the idea of a guy who “doesn’t give a crap”.

But pay attention to the wording. He “consciously cares” about the feelings, fears and dreams of others. He may even want to have someone in his life who cares about HIS feelings, fears and dreams.

But a truly self-confident man doesn’t get wrapped up in the drama of other people’s opinion of him. He isn’t rattled by their moods, disapproval or disappointment in him.


Because a truly self-confident man is operating to his own standards for a life well lived. He is living within his own boundaries as a man of integrity, honesty and transparency. He doesn’t require validation from others for the way he chooses to live his life.

He has clearly defined values which direct him. He’s focused on a powerful vision of who he is, what he wants and where he is going.

He’s on a MISSION that is more important to him than those who might judge him and his mission.

I believe it is only THIS GUY who can authentically care about other people’s feelings, fears and dreams without giving a crap what they think about him. He isn’t attached to their approval or to any outcome.

Other men live in a prison of insecurity.

Everything other people say or think about them runs through a filter of self-doubt and fear that makes them react with anger and defensiveness.

They lash out in retaliation. Then they try to control others with criticism and manipulation

These are not confident men. They are assholes.

I went down to the barn and made this quick video for you about this.

YouTube video

I want to talk abou the difference between a confident man and a man who’s an asshole.

A lot of guys talk about the arrogant, selfish, self absorbed man and why they don’t want to be that guy. I agree. I don’t want to be that gut either.

But I want to be a confident man.

I want to be a confident man who feels strong, calm, very deliberate and intentional in what I do and that I’m pleased with myself. That I feel good in my own skin.

I don’t want to have to rely on other people to make me feel good about me.

I think those are the hallmarks of a confident man.

The asshole man is an angry man.

Men who come across as confident and masculine, but are atually jerks are those who are angry at people. They have tempers and they expect a lot of things from other people to make them feel good.

They have a sense of control over others. They can be intimidating and demanding.

That’s not the guy you want to be.

The difference between being a confident man and being an asshole is that you don’t need other people to validate you.

A confident man is a guy who can go through life understanding who he is, what he wants and where he’s going and he doesn’t need other people to make him happy.

He doesn’t blame other people for the life he’s experiencing. He doesn’t blame them or hold them accountable for him feeling happy, or focused and directed on a mission that he’s chosen.

A confident man knows how to give from a place without strings.

Unconditional love and unconditional attention that you give others is only possible when you know that you’re ok all by yourself. That you’re not coming from a place of giving to get. That you don’t have some kind of secret contract that you give to other people ONLY if they will give things to you in return.

As if your only mission in life is to get other people to like you. Or to do things for you. Whether it’s favors or sex, it doesn’t matter.

Confident men don’t rely on other people to give them things to feel good about themselves.

That’s what we’re going to talk about at the Confident Man Ranch Retreat coming up. We’re going to work on confidence and work on that side of us that can be a little bit needy.

I have it too, right. We’re not perfect.

What I’ve just finished telling you, is an ideal. It’s a mission to shoot for. It’s a process.

We have to focus on the things that will make us feel better about ourselves and make us understand that happiness comes from within.

We do that by working with other men.

We do that by hangiong out with men who are on the same path as we are.

We remove the men in our lives who are petty and blaming and victims of life and we make friendships with men who are looking for a better way.

I hold these retreats, because I believe in them. I get as much out of these things as you do. I promise.

I’d love to see you there – click here to read more about the retreat – we only have three spaces left.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE

If you want to learn more about how to take a bigger step toward being a clear-headed, confident man of action, then find out more here. I would be thrilled to help you get there – our first discovery call is always free and always gives you a BIG boost of confidence.

You WILL become a clearer, stronger, more confident man only through other men. Your woman cannot take you there – and she doesn’t WANT to…trust me on that.

Sign up to receive my email newsletters here for lots more free tips and advice.

You can watch all my videos here and read my blog articles here.

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Photo: John St John / Flickr

author avatar
Dan Dore Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Dan Dore is a certified professional Men’s Coach specialising in helping men who are struggling and feeling unhappy and unfulfilled i their life and relationships. With over 20,000 hours experience coaching men to completely resolve their self-esteem and confidence issues and improve their ability to create emotional connection, build trust, earn respect, and lead the sexual intimacy and affection in their relationship whenever they want. No more fearing rejection or other people’s opinion of you - I want to help you finally be happy in yourself and trust your ability to create anything you want in your future.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

What happens in the free 90-minute coaching call?

In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

  • Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
  • Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
  • Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
  • Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
  • Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
  • Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
  • You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
  • Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

  • You won’t find negative, hateful language.
  • You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
  • You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
  • You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
  • You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

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The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

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