How to Build More Intimacy In Your Marriage

Do you want to know how to build more intimacy in your marriage? This was the continually repeating question in my head during my 28 year marriage..

I recently read about a study on the LiveScience website titled, “Women Prize Men Who Try to Understand Their Emotions”.  My first reaction was, “Well, no kidding!”.   But as I read a little further and understood the nature of the study, one conclusion stood out for me.  It is a counter-intuitive reality that men need to understand.  Women value a man who expresses either positive or negative emotion in response to conflict. 

The Harvard Medical School study researcher, Shiri Cohen, reported that, “The fact their partner is experiencing any emotion, even a negative one, is still good news to women.  This is consistent with what is known about the dissatisfaction women often experience when their male partner becomes emotionally withdrawn and disengaged in response to conflict.”

As I mention in my introduction video, my discussions with men always seem to lead toward improving intimacy.  Men want BOTH emotionally and physically intimate connections to feel positively about their spouse and their relationship.  The TWO BIGGEST REASONS men are unable to establish these connections are:

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  1. Failure to establish themselves as an attractive and authentic man of value and  principles
  2. Failure to develop the confidence and personal leadership skills necessary to guide his relationship toward intimacy

A critical part of establishing yourself as an attractive, authentic man is how you handle conflict with your partner.  A woman simply can not feel attracted to  a man who handles conflict poorly or immaturely.

I talk about this frequently with my guys during our Masculinity Tune-Up discussions.  Translated simply:  When a man properly responds to conflict with his lady he can become significantly more attractive to her.  Many men believe that withdrawing or disengaging will simply leave her in “neutral” with regard to his attractiveness.  Not true.  This is a tremendous insult and is extremely unattractive.  A repeated pattern of this behavior can spell disaster for the relationship.

Always remember that you have a choice to RESPOND to conflict instead of REACTING to it.  A man who chooses to immaturely react to conflict will do the following things:

  • Avoid all discussion or walk away from the conflict and isolate himself
  • Act indifferent towards her emotions as if he is above whole matter
  • Dismiss her feelings as totally “irrational” or “illogical”
  • Refuse to voice his opinions or show any emotions for fear of her reaction
  • Lash out with an unbridled anger and an accusatory tone

So what are we supposed to do?  How do we act?  How do we build or maintain attractiveness in the face of conflict?

The answer is to realize that properly responding within your masculine frame is a GIFT WE GIVE TO OURSELVES first.  We can validate our own value when we directly face conflict with confidence.  We affirm our values when we choose to treat others fairly and respectfully.  And we confirm our own principles when we stand up for ourselves and express our opinions without apology.

A NATURAL RESULT of a man who chooses to behave differently is increased ATTRACTIVENESS.  This is what makes you the PRIZE for your lady.

The man you were meant to be chooses to proactively address conflict because it is WHO HE IS.  When the pressure is on this man will:

  • Calmly face conflict head-on.  He responds like a man and doesn’t react like a teenager.  He looks at her eyes.  He listens actively to her words.  He is comfortably and confidently 100% present with her in the moment.
  • Tell her that he wants to understand her feelings.  He treats the conflict as important and valid.  He says this out loud – and he means it.  He does not minimize her feelings or point of view.
  • NOT pull the “logic card” and call her irrational.  He knows that conflict and stress produces emotions.  He does not need to react to them or defend himself while he listens.  Her emotions can not be and should not be reasoned away.
  • Be clear on  where he stands.  He doesn’t have to pretend to agree with her if he doesn’t.  Without defensiveness or judgment he states his case clearly and without apology.  He is authentic and speaks from a place of love and respect.  He wants her to feel this energy and to know that it is true.
  • Discusses options to address the issue and accepts responsibility for his part in the solution.  He doesn’t accept undeserved blame or personal attacks.  He is able to show anger and emotion without throwing a tantrum or making personal attacks.  He does not initiate disrespectful behavior or language and does not accept it from anyone.

When you choose to develop these skills and this frame of mind in your relationships it is not to manipulate or control anyone.  You will discover that it is the only way to lead your life with clarity and confidence.  These skills apply beautifully in your parenting AND your career relationships as well.  It is simply the man you are meant to be.

These skills are just part of a masculine foundation that will allow emotional and physical intimacy to flourish in your life. 

Join our group coaching and get to talk to other men who have been through the pain you’re experiencing right now and come out the other side, more confident, more deliberate and with new skills that enable them to create a totally different future.

Or fill in our inquiry form for a completely free, life changing conversation with me where we go deep into what’s really causing the disconnection in your relationship and what you can do immediately to change what happens next.

author avatar
Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on well known coachign and psychology television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels related to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides intensely personal, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor who teaches his clients to discover their masculine power, take bold action and create the life they want. He has written articles and guest blogs for numerous relationship and expert websites.

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While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

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We take you through a process to:

  • Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
  • Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
  • Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
  • Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
  • Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
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  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
  • You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
  • Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

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Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

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We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

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The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

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