How to Know Who You Are When Your Marriage Is Shaking
When I got started in the business of coaching men in 2013 I hired a pretty pricey coach.
I expressed to him my concerns, doubts and fears about my ability to actually do this for a living and quit my 30 year history of working for someone else.
I knew “who I was” in the world of management, project execution and corporate gamesmanship. I was actually pretty good at it. It was comfortable because it was so damn easy for me.
I told my coach about this nagging voice in my head asking me:
Who the hell are YOU to quit your comfy, regular job and start a business at age 50?!
I answered, “Good point! I must be nuts. Who would hire ME as a coach? And what do I know about being an entrepreneur? I have zero historical evidence that I could possibly succeed at helping other men live better lives AND make a business of it.”
When I told my coach this his only reply was, “Well, who the hell ARE you?”
And that was the beginning of a new conversation in my head.
Nobody ever asked me that before and really cared about my answer.
I was never challenged to clearly define ME.
What do I believe? What do I stand for? What are my unique and inherent strengths? What scares me? What are my bad habits? What am I willing to do that nobody else will to do get what I want.
And most importantly, he kicked my ass to get very clear about the powerful story of what I want to create for my life before my brain turned to mush. (I thought a coach would be “nicer”, but he wasn’t my friend, he was there to challenge my thinking)
It was a long overdue ass-kicking. And the process of getting CLEAR wasn’t easy. I began to see my habit of avoiding things that aren’t easy.
But when I got clear…I mean really clear…the doubtful, fearful voices began to change.
And it wasn’t motivational poster crap like, “You’re so awesome!”
When I got clear about my true capacity to organize, initiate, follow though, create and connect with people I care about the new voices would say:
“Well, if not YOU…then WHO?”
Who was more ready, more qualified and more passionate than I was to become who I wanted to become?
Nobody. That’s who!
If you’ve ever wondered what Goodguys2Greatmen does for men, it’s essentially just that.
We teach you how to change your thinking so you can finally carry yourself as the creator, master and commander of your own life…no matter what is happening around you.
In other words, YOU happen to life. Not the other way around.
I recorded this video when I had just got a new dog and it occurred to me that “Jace” didn’t know who the hell he is yet.
Marriage, Divorce and Knowing Who You Are
You may wonder why this “knowing who you are” thing is so important when we talk about women, marriage, love and sex.
It’s important because it’s the entire lack of clarity about who you are that is at the root of virtually all conflict, all arguments and all stupid, over-the-top reactions.
If you only see yourself as the dependable providing husband and dedicated father, you’re in for some trouble. Most men have a very narrow view of their role and narrow expectations for themselves.
- When we’re unclear, we argue about anything.
- When we’re unclear, we take everything personally.
- When we’re unclear, we get needy and jealous.
- When we’re unclear, we can’t even stand ourselves.
So, let’s talk about getting clear.
Here’s what I want you to consider giving yourself.
It’s the gift of clarity, confidence and reinvigorated mojo.
The funny thing about getting clear about who you are and what you want is that you NOW know what it is you must DO.
Inspired action is what changes everything.
So what about you?
Who are you?
Are you a man who takes action to create what he wants?
Free: If you’re serious about building your masculine mojo then apply for a coaching call with us we will help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you feeling confident again.
What do I mean by “SERIOUS”?
- We take YOU and your struggles seriously…because we’ve been there
- We know being called needy is serious
- And we know a lack of clarity about how to change it is serious now and for your long term future happiness
- We believe your personal emotional strength and well-being is serious
- We seriously show up 110% to our conversations with you and expect you to be as serious as we are about changing your life
Free Guide: Where You Should Focus To Grow Your Masculinity
$69 Monthly Subscription: Join Dan and I in our Men’s Roundtable Group Coaching membership. We meet three times per month for live group coaching and we support you in a powerful group of men facing the same issues you are. Get instant access to 6 years of recorded sessions. Try it for one month. What have you got to lose?
$497 One-Time Payment: How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a self-paced course with me, Tim Wade, and a community of men learning how to lead when you’ve just heard, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” or “I want to separate or divorce.”
As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
Your marriage can’t tell you who you are.
You may feel lost because the role you’ve played for years no longer feels secure. We help you get honest about what you believe, what you stand for, and what kind of man you want to become from here. Once that becomes clear, your next steps stop feeling so mysterious.
Talk to a coach →Q: Why is knowing who I am so important during marriage trouble?
A: Knowing who you are keeps every argument, rejection, or threat of divorce from becoming a verdict on your value. When your identity rests only on being a husband, provider, or father, trouble in one role can shake your entire life. Clear beliefs and personal standards help you respond without losing yourself.
Q: How do I figure out who I am beyond being a husband and father?
A: Start by naming what you believe, what you stand for, what you want to create, and what you refuse to keep avoiding. Look honestly at your strengths, fears, habits, and unfinished ambitions. You aren’t trying to invent a new personality. You’re getting reacquainted with the man underneath the roles you’ve been performing.
Q: Why do I take everything personally when my marriage is struggling?
A: You take everything personally when you’re unclear about your own value and direction. Your wife’s mood, criticism, or distance then feels like proof that you’re failing as a man. Stronger self-knowledge gives you something solid to stand on, so you can hear difficult things without turning every conversation into a fight for your identity.
Q: Can knowing who I am help me stay calm during a breakup?
A: Knowing who you are can help you stay calmer because your future no longer depends entirely on one relationship outcome. A breakup will still hurt, but it doesn’t get to erase your strengths, beliefs, or ability to create a meaningful life. You begin making decisions from self-respect instead of panic.
Q: What if I have no proof that I can create a different life?
A: You don’t need historical proof before taking the first serious step toward a different life. Steve had decades of evidence that he could succeed in corporate work and none that he could build a coaching business. The better question wasn’t whether success was guaranteed. It was whether anyone was more prepared and committed than he was.
Q: How does coaching help me become more clear and confident?
A: Coaching helps by challenging the fearful stories you keep treating as facts and asking questions you may have avoided for years. Goodguys2Greatmen won’t hand you empty praise or tell you that everything will magically work out. The work helps you define yourself clearly enough to make decisions and follow through when life gets uncomfortable.
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Apply for a free, no strings, 90 minute deep dive personalized coaching session to help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you moving toward the future you want. We offer a unique form of Men’s Coaching and we attract smart guys who see through surface level hype and bravado. We hide nothing and hold nothing back. We know that everything you want is behind your fear and skepticism…just like it was for us.
