“My wife never initiates sex, what do I do?” – Does this sound familiar? Have you asked yourself this question?
Today’s article and video come from a recent discussion with a coaching client which I know many of you will be interested in…
Do women want sex as much as men do?
If you’re reading this article I’m presuming that this question has crossed your mind at some point (I know it’s a question I wrestled with a lot in the past.)
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The simple answer is a wholehearted YES!
But when a relationship is struggling, often the very first thing to go is affection and intimacy.
What’s important to understand is that she hasn’t stopped wanting sex or feeling the desire for closeness and intimate connection.
However, right now, she’s not open to it in your relationship.
There’re a combination of things that feed into this dynamic in a relationship.
So much of whether she wants sex is down to her subconscious response to your intention.
I explain more in this video.
A man who owns his sexual desire for her but doesn’t get upset if she says no, is infinitely more sexy.
That statement can be confusing. What does it mean?
In our coaching calls we often hear men say:
Of course I’ll be upset, I WANT sex with her.
Why isn’t it simple?
Why can’t she just tell me what she wants?
We’re in love and married and sex is part of marriage.
It’s always the same, she chooses when, where and if we have sex.
If she wants sex as much as me then how come she never initiates sex….EVER!!!
Let’s get one thing straight, I am not saying that you should choose to be in a marriage that is sexless or that you need to be happy with rejection.
No, what I want to explain to you is that how you’re going about improving your sex life isn’t helping you get more of what you want.
When I talk about a man who OWNS his sexual desire, there’s a key mindset shift that needs to happen.
You can own your sexual desire and ask for her to fulfil it for you or you can own your sexual desire and GIVE it as a gift.
Why this is the key mindset shift is down to the change from getting to giving.
When you’re trying to get something, you can’t help but communicate in a way that is felt by her as “You needing it.”
And there’s a natural human instinct to push back against someone or something that is trying to take something.
It feels like being pushed or manipulated, coerced or even worse, told what to do.
I know that’s not what you’re intending. I know that your intention is that it will be a purely pleasurable experience for both of you.
But that’s how it feels to her.
So what can you do?
When you approach sexual intimacy from a mindset of giving something to her, then you can really use the power of your good intention.
When you give a gift to someone you care about, it’s given with a pure intention of care and love toward them.
Whether it’s to a good friend, a family member, co-worker or maybe one of your kids.
When you give a gift, it’s because you enjoy the feeling of being kind, generous and sharing your love for the other person – you enjoy the the act of giving.
But sometimes we can expect it to be received in a certain way, and when it’s not, we get upset.
By needing your gift to be received in a certain way, the good intention behind your gesture is lost, and it becomes an act of giving in order to receive something back.
How do you solve this?
1) Know your value
Firstly, you need to understand your personal and sexual value so that you KNOW that what you have to offer is something people love to receive.
2) Own what you want
Secondly, you need to fully own what you want. Fully owning what you want means that you are not ashamed to feel sexual desire, that you don’t feel guilty for loving intimate connection with your partner, if you have ever been tentative and wishy washy in the past, you haven’t been owning what you want.
3) Give without conditions
Thirdly, you need to give your presence, your attention and your sexual desire without any requirement for her to receive them in a certain way. Understand that if she turns you down, it is because of how she feels in her body in that moment. It’s not about you.
It’s ok to be transparent about how her smell, the way she moves, the way she laughs makes your manly blood boil and all you can think about is “taking her” and giving her mind blowing sex.
A woman’s sex drive is affected by the man’s drive. Feeling WANTED and DESIRED and PURSUED can make a woman feel very sexy and open….when she feels that desire is coming from a manly place of respect, self-control, and CONFIDENCE.
We love to teach men to understand the intricacies of intimate connection and desire whether it’s in a struggling long term relationship or deepening the connection and desire in an already good partnership.
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.
Our Mastering Connection With Women course starts again in May lead by Dan and Alexis – Receive live feedback on your energy and confidence. Find out what you need to do to own your sexuality and masculinity. Navigate tests and create more connection and intimacy with ease.
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That’s what we want for you brother.
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