Are You Headed for Divorce? Do You Recognize These Symptoms?

John Gottman’s research states that this relationship behavior is the #1 predictor of divorce.

I’m taking his research and translating it into easy-to-understand language with easy to implement actions for you.

John uses the term “The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse” which are FOUR BEHAVIORS that he says predict divorce with about 90% accuracy.

So if these things show up consistently in your relationship, you can bet things won’t be going your way in the future.

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The four behaviors are:

I break down each behavior this way:

a. What is it?
b. What it is not.
c. What is looks like or sounds like
d. How it poisons the relationship
e. How to change your behavior now and start doing something different

The fourth “Horseman of the Apocalypse” is CONTEMPT.

Contempt (noun): the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.

It’s a fancy word for the hateful actions; words or regard one person has toward another.

Have you ever been on the receiving end of it? How about the giving end?

Contempt has many faces…sometimes it’s disguised as common sarcasm, cynicism or “just kidding”.

When it’s done with the intent to criticize, judge or shame someone…it’s almost always coming from a place of fear. This fear is usually based in a feeling of shame – a fear that you are actually unworthy.

As Brene Brown points out in her book Men, Women and Worthiness, when someone is shaming another you can bet it’s about something they feel shame about within themselves.

This is extremely important to understand whether you’re on the receiving or giving end of contempt.

Watch the video for more information about contempt and how to stop it.

YouTube video

Contempt is the worst Horseman of the apocalypse because unlike criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling, there is a very hateful energy behind it. Contempt has a truly mean motivation behind it and includes behaviors like: mocking, disrespecting, ridiculing, condescending, belittling, mimicking or eye-rolling and is fuelled by a long-term simmering on thoughts that you’re holding in your head.

Contempt is the worst because it feels like hate.

Every time you do something contemptuous it’s going to create even more feelings of hate.

Contempt can also come from a place of superiority. It can make you feel more righteous and it tends to make the person who’s doing it put themselves on a pedestal and look down on the other person.

But let’s get clear.  When she is in a bad mood, if she rejects your advance for a hug or a kiss or even sex – that isn’t contempt.

When she complains about a bad day, stupid co-workers or feeling overwhelmed – again, that’s not contempt.

Contempt is intentional. It comes with the intent to hurt. It’s not the smaller stuff like complaining, whining and venting.

Most contemptuous acts come from a place of fear and insecurity.

This is what I want you to know about all of these “Four horsemen of the apocalypse” – criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling or contempt – when people do these things (including you) – it’s always coming from a place of fear or an inner wound.

Here’s an example of when a woman is showing contempt for a man after he came back from work and rather than helping out, he just sat down on the couch:

“You’re tired? Cry me a river. I’ve been with the kids all day, running around like mad to keep this house going and all you do when you come home from work, is flop down on that sofa like a little boy and play those idiotic computer games. I don’t have time to deal with another kid. Try to be more pathetic won’t you?”

That’s pretty bad right? I’ve heard a lot worse though. That’s contempt. Yes, she’s pissed. Yes, she’s tired. Yes, she’s been working hard. Yes, she has a headache. Yes, she has a lot going on and has good reasons to feel exhausted and in a bad mood. But to project that type of mean-spirited language like calling you a little boy, or calling you pathetic shows contempt.  And it FEELS like it too.

How might you have been contemptuous toward her?

In my experience (married for 28 years) I can think of many kinds of contemptuous things I did, especially when it came to what I used to call “intellectual warfare”.  This was is when I would try to make her feel stupid and insidiously try to insult her intelligence. I’d be condescending, belittling, mocking…that kind of stuff. I hate to admit that I was like that but when I reflect back and hear some of the crap I said… I’m not proud of it.

If only somebody would have told me what I’m telling you now.

How does contempt poison a relationship?

Contempt creates a total lack of emotional safety. In the example I gave above, that guy will never feel safe to enter his home again and just sit down to watch TV or play a video game without the fear of being attacked and totally emasculated. Emotional safety is another one of the foundations of a good relationship.

Using contempt erodes trust in each other and you then start to EXPECT the worst from each other.

Contempt creates a repelling energy between you two so that you can’t even get close to each other anymore…creating even more distance and tension.

Contempt, breeds more contempt. The more contemptuous you are towards her, the more she will be toward you and vice versa.

So how can you change a cycle of contempt?

I want you to know you always have the choice to decide your response. Your feelings come from your thoughts.

The next time you feel attacked or mocked or ridiculed, I want you to first recognize that it’s coming from an emotional reaction inside her.  Then you can decide how you’re going to choose to think about it.

Recognize that the attack comes from fear, from frustration, from a part of her that isn’t trying to hurt you. She’s trying to build herself up or to protect herself in some way and it’s not all about you!

When you feel contempt coming at you, you have to just stop, identify it and call it out.

If something horrible is said to you, you can say something like “You know, that was really horrible”, or “That was really mean”, or “That was uncalled for”, “That’s what they call contempt. We have to stop this!”

It’s very important that you are consistent in how you handle this.

The best way to stop contempt in your relationship is to be the one who stops doing it first, permanently and consistently. Do not allow yourself to screw up. Hold yourself accountable to a higher level of behavior.

You have to stand up for what you want by being what you want.

Criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt are the four things that are most likely to create a divorce. If you want a way of reversing the downward spiral in your marriage and creating a new version of your relationship then it has to start with you.

You have to decide that you are going to BE the change that you want to experience.

You can’t expect things to change when you’re sitting around and being the victim saying “Well she’s been critical, she’s been defensive, she’s been stonewalling me and she’s been contemptuous”. That’s how kids talk. When we grow up into men we get the choice – the choice to grab our balls, take control and be the master of our own emotional world.

Start hearing what you’re about to say and catching yourself before you go there. If contempt is being aimed at you, stand strong, call it out, tell her what you expect, and own your stuff.

We love to help men understand what’s happening in their relationships and often what they’re doing unconsciously that are causing their relationship to nosedive.

We would love to help you become more confident, more calm and more deliberate in your marriage and all the areas of your life where you’re struggling.

Either through 1-on-1 coaching with my colleague Dan Dore or me, or in our group coaching program along with some incredibly amazing men who are dealing with the same issues you are.

You can get started straight away by joining our Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable where we will help you re-find the confident, attractive man you know yourself to be.

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What if this next year everything changed for you?

That’s what I want for you brother,

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If you want to become a man who knows and trusts himself to create the life and love he wants, apply for a free consultation call with me or Dan. I guarantee you’ll feel a whole lot better by the end of our talk.

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What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

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  • Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
  • Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
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  • Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
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  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
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Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

  • You won’t find negative, hateful language.
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  • You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
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  • You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

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We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

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