What to do if you’re living in a marriage where your sex drive and your wife’s sex drive seem to be mismatched.
In a coaching session the other day with a long time married guy, the uncomfortable topic of “dirty talk” came up.
This is part of that conversation.
“I don’t know why, Steve, but our lovemaking has ALWAYS been silent. I’ve never liked it but I don’t know how to change it.”
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“If it was “less silent” what would you hear?”
“Hmmm…I’m not sure, but it wouldn’t feel so clinical and boring. Maybe if she would just moan a little – that would be a start.”
“Do you moan a little?”
“No, never. I’d like to, but I don’t.”
“Why is that?”
“I’m afraid it would make it awkward for her. It might ruin the moment. She’s really self-conscious about sex and her body.”
“Okay, since you’re not self-conscious, why don’t you try to make her feel more comfortable by saying something like, “Baby, you’re so beautiful when you’re engorged. You look like a delicate rose in bloom. And the glistening dew on your petals tastes like sweet honey…mmmmm…I love you.””
“Holy crap. I could never say that to her!”
“Why’s that?”
“I’m too self-conscious.”
“Is that maybe why you don’t moan either?”
I Was Married Once – I Get It
I know exactly how he feels.
My marriage had 28 years of self-conscious behavior on both sides.
She was always nervous and afraid to show her sensual side. She had so much angst about it, she convinced me that she thought sex was
“icky and overrated” and I was, quite possibly, a pervert for thinking about it so much.
And as all “good guys” do, I bought her act – hook, line and sinker.
I reacted like a scared boy. I followed her lead and never said anything that might make her feel nervous or “icky”. When it came to my own feelings of sensuality, I went silent. Even moaning was risky – didn’t want to spoil “the moment”.
Some moment. Clinical and boring.
Little did I know that I wasn’t doing her or myself any favors. I was following her lead. I had no agenda of my own. I was afraid to speak my truth. I was being a fear-driven husband and man.
As much disappointment as I felt in my marriage, I felt more in myself for hiding out.
I talk more about this in the video below.
The truth was – and is – that I’m a massively sexual man.
What about you?
When I imagine passionate, sexual intimacy with a woman my body pulses with the tension of a fully loaded leaf spring on a 1-ton truck.
When I imagine the mutual touches of affection and naughty words of desire my heart beats faster. Just writing this causes me to see, smell and taste her curves, fragrance and her nectar.
But I went an entire marriage never saying anything about that side of my masculinity.
It wouldn’t be “nice” to pressure her so.
Besides, she thought sex was overrated anyway.
Better to play it safe.
Be silent.
That’s what “good guys” do, right?
Then one late night about 3am, in a cold sweat, I sat on the toilet with her poorly hidden cell phone in my hand. The phone display lit up the pitch dark bathroom and my shocked face…and tears bubbled from my eyes.
The stream of sexy text messages revealed her truth. I couldn’t stop reading.
Apparently, she was a lot like me!
But someone else figured it out before I did.
Divorce Lesson #1: Your wife is probably much more sexual than you think.
Dirty Talk – It’s Not Just for Sex
One problem guys have with dirty talk is that we only imagine the most hard-core options.
Yes, those are great fun and huge turn-ons when the moment is right.
But when I ask men if they have ever said, “My God your hair smells so sweet and feels so soft after you wash it!” they normally say, “Ummm, no”.
That’s dirty talk. No, it’s not naughty, but it is very sensual.
So is, “I like kissing you because your lips taste so sweet” and “The feminine way you move your hips when you’re happy makes me happy too”.
If you’re having trouble even imagining saying things like that, you’ll never feel comfortable with the really hot stuff.
Dirty talk ranges from sensual to sexy to hot to naughty to dirty to downright filthy.
If you’re not well practiced at the low end, the high end will always seems unreachable.
Even moaning out loud will feel a little weird.
How to Practice Your Dirty Talk Without Feeling Creepy
A lot of old married guys have resigned themselves to saying nothing.
They’re done trying any longer.
Why?
Because of how she may react.
They’re afraid of her snarky comments, rolling eyes of exasperation and – the dreaded – long, exaggerated sigh of disapproval and disbelief.
My solution? Warning: It’s harsh.
Stop giving a f*ck for Pete’s sake.
Really, just stop caring and being so invested in how she reacts to you.
One of the biggest reasons women are uncomfortable with our compliments and sensual talk is because we are uncomfortable.
Drop your expectations for an outcome – good or bad.
If you want to get better, more comfortable and more natural with communicating your sensual feelings, you are going to have to practice!
None of us was born with this skill.
And if you’re not going to practice with the one and only committed, romantic, sexual partner in your life then who the hell are you going to practice with? Yeah, don’t do the cell phone thing.
But, here’s the deal.
You must practice the dirty talk ONLY with words and feelings that are absolutely true for you!
Creepy feelings come from feeling like a fraud. Discomfort comes from acting like someone else. Fear comes from worrying that you’ll be judged for what you’re about to say.
But the truth can’t be judged! So speak your truth.
As true as the sky is blue, it’s true that your wife’s shiny, bouncy, freshly washed hair is intoxicating. So just say so.
As true as the sun will rise tomorrow, it’s true that when she looks you in the eye and softly touches your chest you feel loved. Tell her that.
And as true as the snow falls in Colorado (my personal truth today), it’s true that you absolutely love the sensation of making love to her.
So go ahead and release that moan, big guy. A deep, low moan.
It’s normal. It’s natural. It’s your truth.
Speak it now or forever hold your peace.
I call it “unapologetic masculinity”. Trust me, you want more of this in your life.
Start small and get used to it. Then find other truths and work your way up the “hotness” scale. Take your time. Trust yourself. Trust her.
You’ve got a lifetime to practice and enjoy this. But enjoy this you must.
Don’t think you’re doing anyone any favors by hiding your sensual self away.
The very FASTEST way to change the way you’re thinking and find your confidence again is to join other men doing the same thing.
Here are some options for you to join us and start creating a whole new reality for yourself:
Free: If you’re serious about building your masculine mojo then apply for a coaching call with us we will help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you feeling confident again.
What do I mean by “SERIOUS”?
- We take YOU and your struggles seriously…because we’ve been there
- We know living in a sexless marriage is serious…and so is showing your kids what a healthy affectionate relationship looks like
- A lack of intimacy of all kinds is serious now and for the long term health of your marriage
- We believe your personal emotional strength and well-being is serious
- We seriously show up 110% to our conversations with you and expect you to be as serious as we are about changing your life
Free Guide: Where You Should Focus To Grow Your Masculinity
$69 Monthly Subscription: Join Dan and I in our Men’s Roundtable Group Coaching membership. We meet three times per month for live group coaching and we support you in a powerful group of men facing the same issues you are. Get instant access to 5 years of recorded sessions. Try it for one month. What have you got to lose?
$397 One-Time Payment: How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a self-paced course with me, Tim Wade, and a community of men learning how to lead when you’ve just heard, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” or “I want to separate or divorce.”
As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
