The thoughts that go through your mind sound something like this:
“This sucks. Why is this happening? Why didn’t she say something? What a loser I must be! This is going to be so horrible for everyone. I hate that this is happening. This just may kill me.”
Here’s the truth.
Those are just thoughts.
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And…yes, thoughts can destroy you if you let them. In fact, everything you feel and everything you do is reaction to your thoughts.
My advice is to choose your thoughts carefully because they WILL decide your future for you.
What if you could just decide to think different thoughts?
What if the pain and fear and horror you’re thinking is going to happen is just some damn story you’ve allowed yourself to believe?
This is exactly what happens to men who are facing the end of a relationship or marriage.
They tend to believe every stupid thought that runs through their head. And it makes them anxious, angry, depressed and hopeless.
I’ve been there, I know
There is a MUCH better way and I’ve been trying to find a way to tell you this that’s believable…a way that might make sense to you.
So I recruited an old friend, client and all around amazing dude to help explain the journey.
See what Michael has to share below.
Other articles you may find helpful:
No Emotional Safety Equals A Cold Affectionless MarriageHow Defending Yourself Kills Her Affection For You
Best Quote from the Video:
“When I was falling into the darkness I thought I might find a woman to save me but I found something better…myself!”
If you’ve been consuming our content it’s probably because you’re suffering some kind of trauma at the hands of a woman and you think that the relationship is failing, that it’s not going to work out or that she might be leaving you.
When you are in this mode of a woman leaving you, telling you she wants space or that she doesn’t love you or think of you romantically anymore, you think that the story of the relationship and the story of your life that you have in your head is going to end and you feel like you’re going to die.
I’m here to help you see that it’s not the end of your life…in fact it’s an amazing opportunity to improve that story by many magnitudes. Sometimes it’s a new story with the same woman. Sometimes it’s with someone else. I can’t tell you the answer to that right now but I can tell you without any doubt that you don’t yet understand the blessing that this painful period in your life is here to give to you – but you will.
In the video embedded in this article I introduce a good friend and former client of mine, Michael, who went through this pain and came out the other side not just better and happier but with a new found enthusiasm for his future and an understanding of how to live a more deliberate intentional and fulfilling life, filled with fun and enjoyment every day.
When you’re feeling like you’re falling into the pit of despair and you’re about to lose everything, what do you do?
So I asked Michael the question: What is the one thing that you realized when you found out that you were going to be single again?
And his reply was:
“When I was freefalling down into this unknown, I would try to grab onto things that were freefalling with me and I soon realized that they didn’t help me at all. These things for me were all related to my thinking process.”
“The best thing I learned to do at that point was to let everything go and to allow myself to go into that darkness, that unhappiness. Let it all go because there was someone waiting for me on the other side of that unhappiness and that person wasn’t another woman. That person was me.”
“At that point I didn’t know who I was.”
What Michael is talking about here is that when this kind of thing happens to a man in his relationship, the fear, the darkness, the unhappiness, the pit of doom that’s filling your senses every moment of your days is created by your thoughts and your thoughts are creating a perspective of your life that is skewed to only see from the man you have become in your relationship.
What you need to do to stop the overwhelming sensations of anxiety and pain is to get to know yourself. To find the man that you are. The man that you want to be. The man that you will be. And to find the incredible fulfillment of trusting yourself again to create an even better future.
Michael is one of the happiest, most secure, most fun-loving and generous people that I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting.
While we were talking we came up with this analogy of a trapeze.
When you’re in a relationship, you’re on this one swinging trapeze and you think you’ve got the world by the balls. Everything is going just like it should…until the time when suddenly everything isn’t going just like it should. And now you’re on this one swinging trapeze and you’re being told to let go.
You have to let go.
The first mistake Michael made was to grab another trapeze to stop him from falling, which was another woman.
Falling in our minds is the worst, scariest, murky, uncomfortable place that we can go.
Many people tell you to “Find another woman quick!” – when my marriage was disintegrating people told me “The best way to get over a cowgirl is to get under another one”.
It’s simple, it’s funny, but it’s not good advice. And at first that’s what Michael did. But then he learnt to let go of the trapeze of needing someone else to make him OK. He learnt to let go of the trapeze of affirmation and validation that having another woman in his life brought.
And he let himself fall into the dark pit, which we think has scary, gnarly claws.
So I asked him what changed for him as he was falling into this pit of becoming single and not knowing whether he would survive? What caused his outlook to change from darkness and pain to something positive and full of opportunity?
And he said “As I was falling and I decided to stop reaching for the next thing that would save me a wonderful thing happened. The pain and the suffering taught me things about myself that meant that when I came out the other side, I was a far greater man than I had been in my relationship. The new person I had become was the result of that fall.”
So I asked him about the women that he had been in relationship with since he came through that experience. I knew that he had had relationships since then that had ended so I wanted to know how he handled the ending of those differently.
And he laughed and said “It was wonderful. I said thank you! I left all those experiences with gratitude. Those relationships and experiences helped me improve and grow further. They taught me more and helped me to find a more true sense of who I am as a man.”
“Every time I let go…I got better.”
Why am I telling you this story?
Because I want you to know that you’re going to be OK.
You were OK the day you were born. You were OK yesterday. You’re OK right now. And you’re going to be OK tomorrow.
Michael is living proof that you’ll be OK no matter how many times you think that letting go of the trapeze is going to kill you. It doesn’t. You do get better if you want to – it’s a thought process.
The secret to surviving and thriving in the process of a potential breakup is changing your thoughts.
Yes, this sucks…but YOU don’t suck.
Yes, this isn’t the story you hoped for…but there are MANY stories available to you.
Men who regain confidence, clarity and swagger during this time discover something you don’t know yet.
When you stop thinking all those crazy making thoughts you will feel better.
And when you replace those thoughts with clear, confident truths about your future you will feel stronger.
Is it easy? No.
Is it absolutely, unarguably necessary? Hell yes.
You can learn how to change your thoughts and immediately change how you feel which permanently changes the trajectory of your future.
How’s that sound?
This is what we teach men – how to be magnetically attractive to the things they want to experience – through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
Dan Dore (my associate coach in the UK) and I are here to guide you on this mission.
If you want to become a man who is calmly moving toward what he wants and no longer begging for scraps of emotional connection and physical intimacy, apply for a free consultation call with me or Dan. I guarantee you’ll feel a whole lot better by the end of our talk.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.
