When To Ask For Sex And When Not To

Is there a best time to ask for sex? Is there a worst time? Does it seem like your partner is never in the mood, never initiates anything & only agrees to sex begrudgingly?

This article may piss off a few people…but I don’t care. Tough love is hard to swallow and I’ve had to swallow my fair share.

Needs vs wants.


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Those are the two core issues I’m about to lay out for you.

Knowing when to ask your wife for sex will become clear when you get a new mindset about these core issues.

By the end of this article, you should feel a renewed sense of outcome independence and a little less fear.

Ask When You Want Sex Not When You Need Sex

The worst time to ask for a job, a loan, a date or sex is when you desperately think you NEED it. People smell this a mile away and it shows up in your eyes, your voice, your body and even the muscles in your jaw.

Too simple you say? I think not.

This is a UNIVERSAL principle that applies in nearly every facet of life, business and relationships.

If you are pursuing something with an underlying fear, insecurity or dependence on an outcome you are virtually assured of not getting it.

And even if you do, you probably won’t enjoy it.

Obligation sex anyone? Yeah, it’s much worse than no sex at all.

So, what’s the answer?

Learn how to become “rejection proof”.

This means we must learn to become more OUTCOME INDEPENDENT in our pursuit of the things we want.

When we detach from getting a “Yes” and rewire our brain to no longer fear rejection, everything we want is a little easier to get.

Watch this video because I dive deeper into this counter-intuitive phenomenon.

YouTube video

The Perfect Time to Ask a Woman for Sex

When To Ask Your Wife For Sex If She Usually Rejects You

One of the most important things I coach men through is their fear of rejection.

Why is this so important?

Because fear paralyzes us. Fear hurts. Rejection can feel like a kick in the nuts when you are thinking about it the wrong way.

But…rejection is almost never ALL ABOUT YOU.

When you begin to realize the reasons people say “No”, you can easily detach from the rejection and not take it personally.

And when you learn the psychology behind a person’s “No”, you can feel empowered and emboldened to ask for what you want without fear.

Yes, even in the bedroom.

The result is a feeling of liberation from the anxiety, resentment and anger that often accompanies an outcome-dependent mindset. Calm confidence takes the place of that knot in your gut. And that feels amazing.

This is EXACTLY what you will develop if you decide to do the work.

Most guys won’t choose to do the work until the pain of living their life as they are now is GREATER than the fear of looking inside themselves.

I promise you…it’s not that scary in there. Here’s what one guy just sent me about that.

“I continue to find it interesting how (these concepts) become a reality for me. I see it as a process, first with agreeing with it, then thinking you are living it, then living it a little, then finally you realize a point of 100% of being it. It is such a drastic feeling, calm peaceful, lacking nervousness about it. The concept I have just 100% welcomed is that of not having expectations or expected outcomes. So interesting how the blast of clarity comes right through us.”

What is “The Work”?

It’s about learning more about men, women, sex, intimacy and relationships than your dad ever taught you.

It’s about learning about yourself and the baggage all men bring into their relationships finally dealing with it.

It’s about becoming more calm, confident and less reactive to all the things that trigger you.

It’s about learning to make a stand for your deepest held values and making clear, confident decisions.

It’s about realizing that no matter how bad things feel in the moment, you have the power to create an amazing life.

Knowing when to ask your wife for sex can be summarized in two points. Firstly, when you don’t need it because you’re outcome-independent. Secondly, when you don’t fear being rejected. She doesn’t hold the keys to ending your old mindsets about sex, you do. Wanting sex is healthy and normal. Needing sex is dependent and clingy. You can have a spectacular love life once you let go of outcomes.

If You’re Ready To Do “The Work”, Here’s My Suggestion:

Ask for a little help. (I know, men don’t do this well)

Fill out the application at this page and let us schedule a deep dive conversation.

Bring yourself, your story and your desires. Let us show you what coaching looks, sounds and feels like.

Plan for at least one hour.

No strings. No games. Just brotherhood.

author avatar
Steve Horsmon Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Steve Horsmon is a Certified Professional Life Coach and owner of Goodguys2Greatmen Relationship Coaching in Livermore, Colorado. He has appeared on many television, radio, youtube, and podcast channels discussing the coaching and psychology factors relating to maintaining healthy relationships. Steve provides personal, practical, action oriented coaching services for men through 1-on-1 coaching, private retreats, group coaching and workshops designed to give men new knowledge, skills and the right mindset to achieve their relationship goals. He is a committed, lifelong mentor for men who teaches his clients how to discover their masculine strength so they can confidently take the actions required to create the life and relationships that they really want. With over 10 years experience he has created thousands of videos and articles for well known relationship websites such as The Good Men Project, Medium and the Gottman Institute.
The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

This is the secret your dad never told you about – You have more power than you know.

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