I’ve got a LOT of clients who are IT professionals, engineers, doctors, lawyers and other techie types who are apparently misunderstanding something I teach.
There is an important distinction I want you to understand about the idea of being a calm, confident and deliberate man.
I talk a lot about being calm confident and deliberate, but it can be taken too far.
There is a difference between being calm, confident and deliberate and being a little bit too robotic, a little bit too logical, a little bit too stiff.
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This advice is particularly relevant for those of us who are used to a life full of logic, rationale and process. Where we’re used to everything making sense, everything flowing in a certain direction and everything having a certain order.
When it comes to love, romance, marriage and sex – logic, rationale, process and flow just don’t work.
So when I talk about being in your body (calm and confident and deliberate) I’m not talking about the outward expression of a very robotic, logical, stiff and uptight person – that annoys just about everybody – as an ex-engineer I spent 28 years using logic during arguments, conflict or whenever things got stressful in my marriage.
I would say things like “Well that doesn’t make any sense” or “That contradicts what you said just a minute ago” or “I just don’t follow how the logic flows the way you put it together” and it’s so easy to see how that sounds just like a robot now I look back on it. But when we talk like that we forget that we’re in a relationship talking about feelings.
We’re talking about compassion and empathy and trying to understand each other’s triggers and each other’s needs. When you bring logic in, it’s almost the default defence mechanism that us technical people use to difuse the emotion to try and make sense of everything that’s going on.
It can be taken to extremes and it really pisses off your wife.
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Why?
Because she sees what you’re doing.
What you’re doing is avoiding the real thing at hand which is the feelings, the emotions, the intensions, some of the triggers that are going on.
What you’re trying to do is avoid the real issue at hand by covering it up with logic and rationale – your comfort zone.
So what I want to try and do, is help you make the emotionality your comfort zone. Being calm and confident and deliberate in the emotional part of it.
Standing with and talking about the emotions. Saying things like:
“I can see you’re really pissed off right now. I get it.”
“I want to try and understand why you’re pissed off.”
This advice is aimed toward myself. This is the advice I wish someone had provided me with when my marriage was in trouble.
Being calm is good. Being aloof is not.
Being deliberate in your actions is good. Acting like Sheldon (Big Bang Theory) is not.
And being pleased with who you are is good. Self-righteous smugness is not.
The most powerful and attractive you’ll ever be is when you balance your masculine strength of calm, deliberate presence with the human strength of emotional confidence and vulnerability.
It’s a potent cocktail and it’s a wonderful place to find yourself.
Pickup artists teach men how to fake this so they can manufacture respect and get laid.
I teach men how to transform themselves so they will respect themselves and be confident as they change their circumstances.
It’s only the truly self-reliant, self-respecting confident man who is naturally secure in his own skin. He doesn’t go looking for happiness – he IS happiness.
Big difference.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.
If you want to learn more about how to take a bigger step toward being a clear-headed, confident man of action, then find out more here. I would be thrilled to help you get there – our first discovery call is always free and always gives you a BIG boost of confidence.
You WILL become a clearer, stronger, more confident man only through other men. Your woman cannot take you there – and she doesn’t WANT to…trust me on that.
