How to Feel Connected When Your Marriage Feels Starved
I was in a goofy mood when I sat down to write this newsletter.
I had been getting some really cool stuff in the mail.
I mean personal stuff wrapped in packages by other people.
Not Amazon boxes. Personal packages. Brown paper, tape and magic marker type packages!
I get a warm feeling knowing other people would take the time to send me stuff.
Old fashioned? Maybe. But it feels good.
In the old days you would have to cut out a form from a magazine or off a cereal box and send away for stuff. And then they would send stuff back!
I feel a little guilty I didn’t send away anything to earn the stuff people sent me.
And when I got this cool West Ham United football (soccer) cap from a friend in England, it made me want to talk more about that. (and I promised him I would wear it on a video)
So, I did. Watch the video below,
Giving and Getting
I think there’s a broader message here.
We talk about it all the time in our private Facebook groups.
Whenever someone says, “I’m not getting enough!”, we always ask, “What have you been giving?”
Most men in a struggling relationship can agree on a few things they want MORE of.
They want more appreciation. More affection. More passion. More fun. More respect. More connection. More trust.
That’s the stuff that makes relationships really worthwhile.
But one thing I’ve learned to be an important – and probably ancient – TRUTH is this:
We can only receive what we want to the extent that we are giving it.
If you’re anything like me, you might be a DOER.
A DOER does things. And he thinks that by “doing” things he will get want he wants in return.
He goes to work, makes money, fixes cars, mows the lawn and DOES just about anything he needs to in order to GET what he wants.
But that stuff isn’t a “fair trade” for more appreciation, affection, passion and fun!
The only way to create more of that stuff in a relationship is to be cool, calm and consistent in giving that stuff.
So, the question becomes, “What are you giving away lately?”
I know. It’s a weird conundrum. Sometimes the last thing you want to do is give more when you feel starved for the things you want most.
The key is learning how to be OUTCOME INDEPENDENT and why it’s the liberating secret sauce to your daily sense of happiness.
It’s the hallmark of every happy, secure, mature, masculine man.
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As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
If you’re tired of not getting enough from her, start looking at what you’re actually giving.
You may feel starved for appreciation, affection, passion, respect, or simple fun together. That’s real. But keeping score won’t make you feel more connected, and doing more jobs around the house won’t buy the kind of warmth you miss. At Goodguys2Greatmen, we’ll help you become the man who gives from strength instead of resentment.
Talk to a coach →Q: How do I feel connected when my marriage is struggling?
A: You feel connected in a struggling marriage by giving more of the energy you want to receive instead of only tracking what’s missing. That doesn’t mean chasing, begging, or pretending you’re fine. It means becoming cooler, calmer, and more consistent in offering appreciation, warmth, fun, and respect without making every gesture a trade.
Q: Why am I not getting affection even though I do so much?
A: You may not be getting affection because doing tasks isn’t the same as giving affection, play, warmth, or trust. A doer can work hard, fix things, earn money, and still leave the relationship feeling empty. Your wife may appreciate the work, but that doesn’t automatically create the emotional and physical closeness you want.
Q: What does “we can only receive what we are giving” mean?
A: “We can only receive what we are giving” means the relationship usually reflects the kind of energy you’re putting into it. If you want more fun, respect, affection, or trust, start giving those things in a clean way. A starving man often waits to receive first, but that keeps him stuck.
Q: Is giving more fair when I already feel starved?
A: Giving more can feel unfair when you already feel starved, but the point isn’t to give from need or self-erasure. The point is to stop withholding the very qualities you say you miss. A secure man can give warmth and appreciation because that’s who he wants to be, not because he’s trying to earn a payout.
Q: What is outcome independence in marriage?
A: Outcome independence in marriage means you choose how you show up without making your mood depend on her immediate response. You can be kind, playful, respectful, and affectionate because it matches your character. That doesn’t make you passive. It makes you less needy, less bitter, and more free.
Q: How do I stop keeping score with my wife?
A: You stop keeping score by noticing when your giving has turned into a hidden invoice. If you’re mowing the lawn, working hard, or being nice so she’ll finally give you affection, she’ll feel the transaction underneath it. Give what you actually want more of, and let your own strength be the first reward.
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