How to Hold Women Accountable in a Failing Marriage
Here’s a challenge I hear from men who are fed up with feeling like everything is up to them…nearly word for word.
“You guys never hold women accountable. Why is everything on men? I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one working on the relationship?
Here’s the bitter, ugly truth.
If your relationship has decayed to the point where you’re reaching out for MY help, you’re past the point of “working on your relationship”.
What’s that mean, exactly?
It means you’re past the point of having effective, loving conversations.
You’re past the point of “working together” on your relationship.
You’re past the point of trying to pull in the same direction and take equal responsibility.
This means you’re probably past the point of effectively using marriage counseling because she’s already moving in the opposite direction from you and the marriage.
I realize how comforting and nice it would be if you could just “talk reasonably” with each other and work out the problems.
Yeah, that’s not going to happen.
Why?
Because the “problem” is that you two have evolved into being the kind of people who can’t possibly find connection again…that is…until you become different people.
There it is.
You BOTH have to change FIRST before any other common marriage remedies can help.
And since you don’t stand a chance of changing her (or anyone else for that matter), you’re left with the choice to change yourself.
Change the way you THINK about what’s really happening.
Change your the way you FEEL about all of the injustices and grievances you’ve gathered along the way.
When you do that, you will have to change your CORE VALUES around what it means to be a grown ass man.
All of that might sound “hard”. It’s not.
It’s infinitely EASIER than what you’ve been trying so far.
When you regain your innate sense of strength, confidence and happiness again, you going to see the old you as a bit of a brat. (well, that’s what happened to me, anyway)
Watch this video for a little more depth into what it means to be a grown ass man and take responsibility for the things YOU control.
How to Defuse the Bomb in Your Friggin’ Chest!
That’s right. The “bomb” is inside of you.
It’s a crisis of fear. It’s the twinge of shame. It’s the anxiety of uncertainty.
At this point in the game, you don’t know what you don’t know.
It feels clumsy, awkward and embarrassing to admit that we don’t know what to do or how to be.
So we try to please. Then we try to fight. Then we try to beg. Then we walk on eggshells…and then we try to please some more.
If you want to feel more consciously aware and deliberate in what you’re thinking, what you’re saying and HOW YOU’RE ACTING…you need to learn some things pop never told you.
They don’t tell us this stuff in school.
Your wife can’t explain it.
And most marriage counselors are afraid to tell the truth.
Famous marriage counselor, John Gottman, found that, “If heterosexual men in relationships don’t accept their partner’s influence, there is an 81% chance that a marriage will self-implode.
Let me put this in plain language.
Specifically, the research showed that if WE (us dudes) have a low sense of emotional self-confidence, we will RESIST EVERYTHING she throws at us.
Emotional self-confidence is linked to emotional intelligence.
No, we’re not stupid.
We have simply been raised to value conflict, competition and rationality more then reading what’s really going on here.
That’s why we always defend ourselves.
That’s why we always try to be “right” and get the last word.
That’s why we sometimes “stonewall” when we feel out-gunned in the emotional world of words and feelings.
And, that’s why we try to REASON (aka. yak, yak, yak) our way out of emotionally stressful interactions.
Accepting your wife’s influence simply means you must learn to understand and have compassion for what she’s saying and why.
This is learnable.
You can learn to accept that her emotional reality is not insanity and that what she is feeling actually DOES require your attention. And, it’s not always about you!
You only need to believe that she actually has a point…you just don’t get that point…yet.
Do you want to get it?
Do you want your next 5 years to go smoother than the last 5 years?!
Of course you do. So here are some options you can take to start today:
Free: If you’re serious about building your masculine mojo then apply for a coaching call with us we will help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you feeling confident again.
What do I mean by “SERIOUS”?
- We take YOU and your struggles seriously…because we’ve been there
- We know being called needy is serious
- And we know a lack of clarity about how to change it is serious now and for your long term future happiness
- We believe your personal emotional strength and well-being is serious
- We seriously show up 110% to our conversations with you and expect you to be as serious as we are about changing your life
Free Guide: Where You Should Focus To Grow Your Masculinity
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As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
Take responsibility for your side without pretending hers doesn’t matter.
You may be tired of pleading, fighting, explaining, and feeling like you’re carrying the whole marriage. We help you calm the bomb in your chest, understand what you’re missing, and respond like a man who controls himself instead of trying to control his wife. That change gives you a stronger position from which to decide what happens next.
Talk to a coach →Q: Why does it feel like fixing the marriage is all on me?
A: It feels that way because you’re the only person whose thinking and behavior you can directly change. That doesn’t mean your wife has no responsibility or that her choices don’t matter. It means waiting for her to change first leaves your future in her hands. Working on yourself gives you something useful to do right now.
Q: Does taking responsibility mean admitting everything is my fault?
A: Taking responsibility does not mean accepting blame for everything that has happened. It means owning your reactions, choices, habits, and contribution without using her mistakes as an excuse to avoid yours. You can see her behavior clearly and still decide that fear, defensiveness, begging, or anger will no longer control how you act.
Q: How do I hold my wife accountable if I can’t change her?
A: You hold your wife accountable by seeing her choices honestly, saying what you believe, and making decisions based on what she actually does. Accountability isn’t forcing her to agree or improve. It means you stop arguing with reality. You decide what you’re willing to participate in and what actions you’ll take if nothing changes.
Q: Why can’t we just talk reasonably and work on the marriage together?
A: You may not be able to work together yet because too much resentment, fear, and distrust has built up between you. Every conversation then becomes another fight about who is right. Before teamwork becomes possible, each person must change how they show up. Since you can’t do her part, your work has to begin with you.
Q: What does accepting my wife’s influence actually mean?
A: Accepting your wife’s influence means believing that her experience may contain something you need to understand, even when you dislike how she says it. You don’t have to agree with every conclusion. You do need enough confidence to listen without instantly defending yourself, correcting details, or treating her feelings as an attack on your character.
Q: What if my wife refuses to change after I work on myself?
A: Your growth still gives you a clearer mind and stronger choices if your wife refuses to change. It may improve the marriage, or it may reveal that she won’t participate in repairing it. Goodguys2Greatmen helps men become steady enough to face either truth without pleading, exploding, or surrendering their self-respect.
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Have questions about your relationship?
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