About 3 years ago I was sitting in a private room in a brew pub with my local men’s group having our regular “Men, Marriage and Sex” meeting.
As the meeting started we were laughing about something stupid someone said and just then the waitress came in to take beer orders.
She (jokingly?) said, “What is this? A he-man woman haters club?”
We laughed and didn’t even try to give an explanation…and she didn’t seem interested in hearing one either. It seemed she had already made up her mind.
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You may not be old enough to remember The Little Rascals. They created the first He-Man Woman Hater’s Club after being snubbed by a girl who didn’t invite him to her party.
After the waitress left the room, I asked the men, “If you had the chance to answer her question, what would be your shortest, clearest answer you could give her?”
This is what I heard from these men.
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“Actually, we’re here to learn how to be better men so we can better love the women in our lives.”
and…
“We come here to figure out who WE are so we can be emotionally secure, more confident and less fearful and reactive around women.”
and…
“I’m here to figure out how to think and how to respond to a woman who doesn’t trust me and instantly assumes I’m in a woman haters club!”
They’re right.
This ain’t no woman haters club.
Once I invited a friend I’ll call “Margo” to come to a meeting to share her thoughts about women and how they experience men in relationship. She shared some of the most honest, touching and vulnerable feelings she’s had in relationships with men.
The men intently asked her questions and the conversation was free flowing, trusting and emotionally deep.
One of the younger guys got a little weepy. Margo said, “What’s wrong?”
“Joe” said, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I find you intoxicating. This conversation is something I dream about with my girlfriend and I’m afraid I’ll never meet any woman in my generation willing to go there with me.”
We all took a collective, “Gulp”. We knew what Joe meant.
I explain more in this video.
My friend Margo is a high caliber mature, conscious woman who has done a lot of work on developing herself, so she was able to express opinions of what she thought about men, emotions and relationships in ways that were really interesting and very safe to listen to.
When she came to our men’s meet up, she was nervous but she showed up and we had one of the most amazing conversations I’ve ever experienced.
For two hours the men and I were able to ask her questions and she answered with such vulnerability, honesty and openness. It was really cool. The energy in the room was intense!
When you meet a woman like this you know it.
As Joe said to Margo, “Don’t take this the wrong way but I find you intoxicating. I feel like I could say anything to you. I feel like you see who I am. You have a positive regard toward me, you don’t speak to me like I’m an idiot. I feel accepted by you and I’m not sure I’ll ever have this in a relationship. No woman I’ve ever met has been able to do that with me like you are here.”
And that really impacted Margo; in fact they both got a little emotional in that moment.
All the guys in the room and me too, knew what he meant so I want to tell you what it means when you feel that, when you feel heard and understood.
This is the mind hack…
What Joe was saying was that Margo had a very positive regard for who he was, she assumed he was a kind man, a gentle man, a smart man, a feeling man, a compassionate man. She had nothing but positive intention and positive regard for who she assumed him to be. She didn’t assume his intentions were evil or that they somehow had some bad feeling behind them.
And so he felt comfortable. He felt safe.
She came in granting every man in the room that intention, that she had a positive regard for who they were and what they stood for.
So the mind hack is that you can give this gift to other people.
The biggest reasons you have tough conversations and arguments, get triggered and go down the spiral of death in conversations with your woman, is because you both have a negative regard for each other. You have an underlying assumption that they have a negative intention toward you.
It sounds like “What was that supposed to mean? What did you mean by that?”
So what I want you to do is to understand the power of having positive regard for people.
It’s something that makes them feel incredibly accepted and incredibly safe.
This is a mind hack but I don’t want you to fake this.
If you’re feeling triggered and insecure and not confident, you can fake that you have positive regard, but this isn’t fakeable.
Until you become truly confident and really understand your own value and are in control of your own wellbeing and your own self esteem, it’s really, really hard to grant a positive regard for other people.
That’s why Margo was able to do it. She showed up not needing anything from anybody. She wasn’t searching for validation or approval. She was already secure in herself and her self-worth and with that security and confidence, she was able to give her assumption of good intention to everybody in the room, which made the whole room relax and open up.
That’s why it was so amazing.
This is your mind hack. If you want to have really good conversations with people, especially the woman who triggers you the most, find a way to find the good in her. Find a way to give her the assumption that what she means is good.
Even if she says something mean, you have to understand that it was just something she said, it wasn’t necessarily about you. Not everything she says is an attack on you. It’s not meant to hurt you.
So when you give people your positive regard and assume positive intention, you assume the best in them. And you’ll be amazed how this can be so powerful and that just this simple mind hack can sometimes enable them to show up differently, as the best in themselves.
Sometimes we talk about this as believing more in someone and their goodness than they can believe in themselves.
Here’s the bottom line.
We all pretty much want the same stuff.
We want to feel free and safe to connect at a deeper level. We want to feel heard and understood. We want to FEEL the connection of emotional, intellectual and spiritual intimacy with a woman.
We want affection, physical intimacy and passion.
We want to be able to trust and to be trusted.
We want to appreciate and feel appreciated without being accused of being a “he-man woman hater.”
So why is this so hard for the men we work with?
It is the intense, unbridled attraction and love we have toward women that tends to unravel our sense of security, confidence and self-respect.
That’s what needs fixing.
When we show up with an immature sex drive, uncontrolled fear and insecure neediness…all hell breaks loose.
We doubt our own value and the thing we fear most is REJECTION.
And the moment we allow that fear into our bloodstream we give off the vibe of a “he-man woman hater”.
And it’s impossible to ever get what you want from that place.
This is what the meetings are all about.
It’s what our articles, videos, retreats, book and coaching programs are all about.
It’s about FOCUSING AND WORKING on getting you out of that place and into the place you want to be. And that’s in the skin of a calm, confident man who knows his own value and understands how to share that value from a fearless place of love and self-respect.
When you’re in THAT skin…everything is easier. It’s the most liberating skin you’ll ever know.
How do you get that skin?
I’d like you to consider joining us in our Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable.
I don’t need “sell” this. It sells itself.
Here is what one man recently posted to the tribe of men in the Roundtable…
“Men, here is what I’ve gained so far:
– Taking things less personally (well, mostly)
– Feeling more confident
– Feeling more directed
– Enjoying having a tribe of brothers I can confide in and support
– Knowing that I will always be ok
– Knowing that I can always fall back on self-reliance and trust in my inner strength
– Much less worried about what others think of me
– No longer feeling the urge to defend myself
– Giving less f*cks about things that don’t matter
– Knowing I can change any part of me for the better at any time
– Looking after myself better
– Greater self-awareness
– A calmer mind
– A more loving heart.
That’s the power of going through this process of self-development with other initiated men who have your back and are holding you accountable.
“Nothing great will ever be achieved without great men, and men are great only if they are determined to be so.”
Charles de Gaulle
We would love to help you become so clear in your own value, wellbeing and self esteem that you look forward to difficult conversations and deliberately give your positive regard to others to start creating the life and relationship YOU want to experience.
What if this next year everything changed for you?
That’s what we want for you brother.
Books, articles and videos are great but to really make quick progress and get to a point where you’re consistently calm, confident and enthusiastic about life again you need other men who understand what you’re going through and who will challenge you to make the changes that you need to make.
Come and join us, either through 1-on-1 coaching with my colleague Dan Dore or me, or in our group coaching program with other amazing men who are travelling the same path as you right now in our Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable where we will help you re-find the confident, attractive man you know yourself to be.
Come and try our coaching through our Roundtable live coaching program here. There’s an amazing tribe of guys in this group with us, supporting and helping each other through this process of growth and self-realization.
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
Dan and I are here to guide you on this mission.
If you want to become a man who knows and trusts himself to create the life and love he wants, apply for a free consultation call with me or Dan. I guarantee you’ll feel a whole lot better by the end of our talk.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.
