My Wife Says She Wants to Leave Me, What Should I Do?

The top four questions men ask upon learning their wife wants to leave are:

What did I do to deserve this?

Why didn’t she tell me she was unhappy?

How could she think breaking up the family is a good idea?

Why won’t she at least give me a chance to change?

My first answer is always:

It’s Not All About You, Brother

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It’s perfectly normal for you to think her decision to separate or divorce is all about you.

After all, if you believe it’s all your fault then you’ve got a chance to fix it!

This is the most frustrating part because you begin to learn it isn’t that easy. You’re finding out you don’t have a tool for what’s broken.

Sometimes a woman is extremely clear-headed, calm, conscious and decisive about her decision to end her marriage. She is making a choice for herself from a kind, loving and compassionate place. Her words and actions are gentle, and considerate and her reasoning is well measured.

Yeah, well, that’s extremely rare and I’m guessing that’s not your wife. Correct?

I introduce men to the complex web of emotions that permeate most women as they navigate the option to leave their husband and dismantle their family.

The web is made up of crushing anxiety…paralyzing fear…toxic shame…debilitating depression…chronic uncertainty and deep seated insecurity.

That’s just for openers.

And your problem is now you’re feeling most of those same emotions.

Great. Now we’ve got TWO people in this state trying to have an adult conversation. And it’s never a good one.

You are demanding to know the who, what, why, when and how of everything all at once. You’re digging for answers and logical explanations.

You want something clear and rational so you can take appropriate action to stop the bleeding and save the patient. You’re good fixer…if you only knew what the f*ck needed fixing!

What to Think Instead

Notice I said what to THINK instead. Why?

Because I want you to stop trying to DO something. This is where most guys go into extreme over-reaction mode. There’s is nothing to DO at this moment.

A commercial pilot friend of mine calls it “winding the clock”, referring to his training on what to do when faced with a mid-air crisis.

Instead of flipping out and flipping switches they are trained to take a deep breath and just reach out and wind the cockpit clock. (apparently older planes has something you could wind) That action satisfies their instinct to DO something while they get clear-headed, assess the facts and not make matters worse.

You need to breathe. Stop asking questions, forcing arguments, freaking out and otherwise flipping every switch possible. It will only make matters worse…just like on a plane.

You need to get clear-headed and assess the facts.

There are usually a few facts that come to light after the shock wears off. Here are some facts I want you to think about now without doing anything.

You’re not dying and you’re not going to die

You cannot change any circumstance outside of your control

The harder you push the faster she moves away

She’s not evil – she’s scared

You’re not losing your mind – you’re scared

You’ve made mistakes, but that doesn’t mean you’re broken

At your core, you’re actually a secure, confident and valuable man…you just don’t THINK you are right now

You’re going to be fine no matter what happens

After you’ve digested those facts and slowed down your heart rate a little, watch this video for a conversation between Dan Dore and I about how to be more attractive when she is backing away.

YouTube video

A Peek Behind the Curtain

I often bring up the scene in the Wizard of Oz when they all think they’re going to die at the hands of the loud, belching “all powerful Oz”. The scarecrow is sh*tting hay on the floor and what not.

Then Dorothy, holding Toto in her arm, steps over toward the booth and pulls the curtain back. Low and behold it’s a little old man acting like a bully with a microphone.

In that instant all fear is gone.

In one second of perspective change, they all know it wasn’t what they thought and now their fear is replaced with annoyance and curiosity.

What if you could do that?

What if your current emotions were replaced with a calmer sense of well-being?

What if you were able to get into a frame of thinking that allowed you to feel stronger and perhaps only slightly annoyed and curious?

I see this all the time with men in your shoes. It’s doesn’t happen after reading just one email from me (well, for a few it actually does).

It can happen for you when you see what’s REALLY happening behind the curtain. It happens when you become curious and empathetic with her crushing anxiety instead of trying to condemn it or fix it.

It happens when you realize most of her emotions are coming from thoughts even she doesn’t understand.

When you understand that you’re not dying and you’re not going to die you feel a little more courageous and can stand strong in the facts of the matter.

Behind the curtain is a switch labeled “I’m okay“.

When you flip it your thinking will slow down and you’ll wind the clock. You’ll realize your best action now is no action.

In this moment she is the storm and you are the lighthouse.

Of course this might sound nearly impossible to you right now.

I’ve learned that it IS impossible without other high quality men in your life to believe you perhaps more than you believe in yourself at the moment.

Here are some ways I can help you start creating a whole new reality for yourself:

The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.

If you want to get serious about becoming a man who knows he is going to live a life filled with happiness, connection, joy and meaning, we want to speak with you personally. We want to spend at least an hour at first to hear your voice, learn about your dreams and coach you through some of the barriers in front of you. On this call we can offer you immediate tips to change what you’re dealing with right now.

Click HERE to go to the application for your free consultation. We want to know some things about you first and will schedule the call right away. You will be matched up with either to me or one of my certified coaches around the world.

We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.

Our UK retreat from 24th – 27th April this year is now 50% full – we’ll be diving deep into what it means to be a masculine confident man and how to lead yourself and your relationships with others . What makes a woman desire a man and other men trust him? If it sounds like something that might interest you, find out more here.

The MEXICO MOJO MASTERY retreat for March 2020 is now 90% full! This is an advanced retreat for men who have had one-on-one coaching or have attended other retreats.and we can’t wait to meet up again in Punta Mita at the Hacienda Alegra. Click that link for some mind-blowing pics.

Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.

What if this next year everything changed for you?

That’s what we want for you brother.

My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.

I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE

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You can watch all my videos here and read my blog articles here.

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author avatar
Dan Dore Certified Professional Men’s Coach
Dan Dore is a certified professional Men’s Coach specialising in helping men who are struggling and feeling unhappy and unfulfilled i their life and relationships. With over 20,000 hours experience coaching men to completely resolve their self-esteem and confidence issues and improve their ability to create emotional connection, build trust, earn respect, and lead the sexual intimacy and affection in their relationship whenever they want. No more fearing rejection or other people’s opinion of you - I want to help you finally be happy in yourself and trust your ability to create anything you want in your future.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is our coaching right for you?

Our coaching process was created for men who want to feel happier and more fulfilled in their life and relationships. We teach you how to have more confidence and clarity about what you want in your life and create an action plan to start making it happen.

Do you only work with men in marriage?

While our coaching teaches you how to create a more connected, more fun and passionate marriage, we also work with you to have more clarity, enthusiasm and fulfillment in all areas of your life. We help you understand what you really want your future to look like and we also teach you how to be in control of your emotions so that you can be confident and assertive no matter how difficult your circumstances are right now .

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In our free initial coaching calls, we listen a lot, we ask you questions to understand what life is really like for you at the moment, we help you identify what you want to be different and what's holding you back from creating those changes now. Then we help you create a practical plan of action to start moving forward straight away.

What will I learn in your coaching programs?

We take you through a process to:

  • Stop being tentative and become more focused and directed.
  • Develop control over your thoughts and emotions like never before.
  • Become a master of the masculine and feminine dance required for a more passionate connection in your romantic relationships.
  • Build and sustain your personal masculine confidence so that you don't get "triggered" or feel disrespected and can respond with strength and confidence to any situation.
  • Become more connected, aware and present with everyone (this is a critical step in your ability to build attraction and desire as well as have people trust you and respect you more).
  • Stop the destructive emotions of anger and resentment which keep you going around in frustrating cycles and start from moving forward with purpose.
  • Stop being anxious, needy and overly reliant upon other people's opinions and approval of you and start feeling more peace, happiness and a deep sense of being a man who is confident in himself again.
  • You will become a confident man who knows his values, what he wants and where he’s going in his life.
  • You will learn how to think, speak and act according to your values without worrying about reactions from others.
  • You become clear and confident in your ability to create intimacy whenever you want.
  • Your confidence will be something that you start to rely on and trust in every part of your life.

How does the Men's Roundtable work?

Our Men's Roundtable membership gives you access to 3 live group coaching calls per month hosted by Steve and Dan as well as access to over 5 years of previously recorded group coaching calls, an invitation to our private facebook group, and ongoing assignments and resources to help you grow and develop as a confident masculine man. It's like having a personal coach in your pocket, ready to help whenever you need it.

What's the difference between the 1-to-1 coaching and group coaching?

Firstly, anyone who is in our 1-to-1 coaching program automatically receives access to the Men's Roundtable membership and group coaching for free for life. The difference between 1-to-1 and group coaching is down to the speed of change that you want to happen. With more personal time and attention from your coach, the 1-to-1 program is adapted to your specific circumstances and will provide the practical advice you need to know what to think, say and do to create what you want your future to be.

What kind of man is right for your coaching?

We work with men who are willing to take the lead in creating the changes they want in their life and relationships. We only work with men who want to understand their fears, insecurities and shame triggers. We teach you practical ways to deal with the mental and emotional challenges life throws at you and help you reach an unshakeable confidence in yourself (often for the first time in your life).

  • You won’t find negative, hateful language.
  • You won’t find a gender war – we don’t bash women.
  • You won’t find bitching, whining, complaining, and blaming.
  • You won’t find a group of men acting like victims.
  • You won’t find judgment or criticism from others.

We don't waste our time with all those things because we want to take the most efficient and effective path to creating the future you want. So we focus only on the things that are within your control: your thoughts, your words and your actions.

How do I know if I need coaching?

If you are feeling unhappy a lot of the time, if you're lonely, drained, lost, stuck or trapped, then our coaching will help. If you're not sure where your life is headed, if you're not confident in yourself, if you're not sure what you really want in life anymore...our coaching will help.

Whether it’s your job, your intimate relationship, or just wanting to feel more happy and with more purpose, then our coaching will help.

If you are tired of settling for a mediocre life or relationship, tolerating criticism and a lack of fun and intimacy and you're done with placating and playing it safe, then our coaching will help.

We will help you have clarity about what you're REALLY passionate about. We'll get you clear about where you want to be in six months and in six years. We help you figure out what you really want to create vs what other people think you should do.

We help you take action, get unstuck, start moving forward. We help you find what matters instead of just "being busy" in the daily grind. We help you figure out how you're going to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

For many of the guys we work with, they find a peace and a sense of emotional freedom that has them shaking their heads and smiling at how they used to approach life. They feel passionate about life again. They build stronger relationships with the people that matter most to them. They feel satisfied and fulfilled that they have finally found the “right path” forward and life starts to feel fun and inspiring again.

So now you've read that...what do you think? Would YOU like to try some of our coaching for free?

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage

This is the secret your dad never told you about – You have more power than you know.

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