The top four questions men ask upon learning their wife wants to leave are:
What did I do to deserve this?
Why didn’t she tell me she was unhappy?
How could she think breaking up the family is a good idea?
Why won’t she at least give me a chance to change?
My first answer is always:
It’s Not All About You, Brother
It’s perfectly normal for you to think her decision to separate or divorce is all about you.
After all, if you believe it’s all your fault then you’ve got a chance to fix it!
This is the most frustrating part because you begin to learn it isn’t that easy. You’re finding out you don’t have a tool for what’s broken.
Sometimes a woman is extremely clear-headed, calm, conscious and decisive about her decision to end her marriage. She is making a choice for herself from a kind, loving and compassionate place. Her words and actions are gentle, and considerate and her reasoning is well measured.
Yeah, well, that’s extremely rare and I’m guessing that’s not your wife. Correct?
I introduce men to the complex web of emotions that permeate most women as they navigate the option to leave their husband and dismantle their family.
The web is made up of crushing anxiety…paralyzing fear…toxic shame…debilitating depression…chronic uncertainty and deep seated insecurity.
That’s just for openers.
And your problem is now you’re feeling most of those same emotions.
Great. Now we’ve got TWO people in this state trying to have an adult conversation. And it’s never a good one.
You are demanding to know the who, what, why, when and how of everything all at once. You’re digging for answers and logical explanations.
You want something clear and rational so you can take appropriate action to stop the bleeding and save the patient. You’re good fixer…if you only knew what the f*ck needed fixing!
What to Think Instead
Notice I said what to THINK instead. Why?
Because I want you to stop trying to DO something. This is where most guys go into extreme over-reaction mode. There’s is nothing to DO at this moment.
A commercial pilot friend of mine calls it “winding the clock”, referring to his training on what to do when faced with a mid-air crisis.
Instead of flipping out and flipping switches they are trained to take a deep breath and just reach out and wind the cockpit clock. (apparently older planes has something you could wind) That action satisfies their instinct to DO something while they get clear-headed, assess the facts and not make matters worse.
You need to breathe. Stop asking questions, forcing arguments, freaking out and otherwise flipping every switch possible. It will only make matters worse…just like on a plane.
You need to get clear-headed and assess the facts.
There are usually a few facts that come to light after the shock wears off. Here are some facts I want you to think about now without doing anything.
You’re not dying and you’re not going to die
You cannot change any circumstance outside of your control
The harder you push the faster she moves away
She’s not evil – she’s scared
You’re not losing your mind – you’re scared
You’ve made mistakes, but that doesn’t mean you’re broken
At your core, you’re actually a secure, confident and valuable man…you just don’t THINK you are right now
You’re going to be fine no matter what happens
After you’ve digested those facts and slowed down your heart rate a little, watch this video for a conversation between Dan Dore and I about how to be more attractive when she is backing away.
A Peek Behind the Curtain
I often bring up the scene in the Wizard of Oz when they all think they’re going to die at the hands of the loud, belching “all powerful Oz”. The scarecrow is sh*tting hay on the floor and what not.
Then Dorothy, holding Toto in her arm, steps over toward the booth and pulls the curtain back. Low and behold it’s a little old man acting like a bully with a microphone.
In that instant all fear is gone.
In one second of perspective change, they all know it wasn’t what they thought and now their fear is replaced with annoyance and curiosity.
What if you could do that?
What if your current emotions were replaced with a calmer sense of well-being?
What if you were able to get into a frame of thinking that allowed you to feel stronger and perhaps only slightly annoyed and curious?
I see this all the time with men in your shoes. It’s doesn’t happen after reading just one email from me (well, for a few it actually does).
It can happen for you when you see what’s REALLY happening behind the curtain. It happens when you become curious and empathetic with her crushing anxiety instead of trying to condemn it or fix it.
It happens when you realize most of her emotions are coming from thoughts even she doesn’t understand.
When you understand that you’re not dying and you’re not going to die you feel a little more courageous and can stand strong in the facts of the matter.
Behind the curtain is a switch labeled “I’m okay“.
When you flip it your thinking will slow down and you’ll wind the clock. You’ll realize your best action now is no action.
In this moment she is the storm and you are the lighthouse.
Of course this might sound nearly impossible to you right now.
I’ve learned that it IS impossible without other high quality men in your life to believe you perhaps more than you believe in yourself at the moment.
Here are some ways I can help you start creating a whole new reality for yourself:
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.
If you want to get serious about becoming a man who knows he is going to live a life filled with happiness, connection, joy and meaning, we want to speak with you personally. We want to spend at least an hour at first to hear your voice, learn about your dreams and coach you through some of the barriers in front of you. On this call we can offer you immediate tips to change what you’re dealing with right now.
Click HERE to go to the application for your free consultation. We want to know some things about you first and will schedule the call right away. You will be matched up with either to me or one of my certified coaches around the world.
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
Our UK retreat from 24th – 27th April this year is now 50% full – we’ll be diving deep into what it means to be a masculine confident man and how to lead yourself and your relationships with others . What makes a woman desire a man and other men trust him? If it sounds like something that might interest you, find out more here.
The MEXICO MOJO MASTERY retreat for March 2020 is now 90% full! This is an advanced retreat for men who have had one-on-one coaching or have attended other retreats.and we can’t wait to meet up again in Punta Mita at the Hacienda Alegra. Click that link for some mind-blowing pics.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
What if this next year everything changed for you?
That’s what we want for you brother.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE
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