Hey brother,
I’ve discovered that a LOT of us have real hard time answering a really simple question.
Knowing the answer clearly and concisely can be the difference between a guy wallowing in limbo for years and a guy who quickly and consciously moves forward.
I think I know why it’s so hard to answer…it’s because we’re too busy focusing on another question instead.
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What’s the simple question?
“What do you want?”
I know! It sounds really easy, doesn’t it?
I’m not talking about when you’ve got a menu in your hand and the waitress says, Do you know what you want? Most of us nail that one with ease. (except my girlfriend, but that’s another newsletter)
I’m talking about a guy who is facing some really tough relationship stuff and experiencing an ongoing, disinterested, icy chill from his wife.
When I ask him, Do you know what you want? he answers quickly:
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- I’m tired of her ignoring me
- I’m sick of feeling like her last priority
- I’m don’t want to live another 20 yrs. like a roommate
- I don’t want this to come crashing down on me and destroy my family!
Did you notice he didn’t answer the question. He listed things he doesn’t want and is focused solely on what he’s not getting.
So, I ask again, Do you know what you want?
And he’ll usually say something like, I want things to go back to the way they were…in the beginning!
The problem with that is no relationship stays the same. That hot and sweaty, lovey dovey beginning had a very short half-life.
When I keep pushing for what do you WANT…words start to trickle out.
- A smile every now and then would be nice
- Be more open and honest with each other
- Feel a spark of desire to be in the same room and breathe the same air
- Kindness and a little affection would be cool too
By the time we finish the conversation, he gets clearer and he might say,
What I want is a real relationship where both of us assume the best in each other and try on a daily basis to keep a connection going. I want a relationship based on mutual trust, respect, support and desire to be partners. I want a relationship where we share a common experience of life and also have freedom to explore our own interests and then come back together to share those experiences.
Now we’re talking! That’s something you can actually do something about.
I talk more about this in the video.
“If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t.”
~ Chuck Palahniuk (author of Fight Club)
In the video, actress Kristen Bell described her actor husband and how he handled her tendency to “fight badly”.
This is obviously a guy who knows what he wants and when he’s willing to make a stand. He won’t accept toxic fighting…plain and simple.
Unless you CLEARLY know what you want and you can confidently and unapologetically ask for it, you’ll probably get something else.
She almost brags that he had an immovable expectation. She admits she’s attracted to the fact that he has really high personal standards and massive self-respect. He knows that if he doesn’t make this non-negotiable the marriage will surely fail.
And he doesn’t hesitate one second in saying so and describing clearly what he DOES want.
While he got the result he hoped for it’s clear he wasn’t afraid of her reaction or the possible outcome.
I want you to acquire the critical life skill of confidently and unapologetically asking for what you want.
I want you to know with absolute clarity what kind of life and relationship you want.
I want you to be courageous in declaring your non-negotiable standards.
And I want you to become the kind of man who knows how to create everything he wants without the fear of wondering who might join him on his ride.
So…let me ask you a question.
What do you want?
Here are some options to help you get what you want asap…
Free: If you’re serious about building your masculine mojo then apply for a coaching call with us we will help you identify what to focus on and what to avoid to get you feeling confident again.
What do I mean by “SERIOUS”?
- We take YOU and your struggles seriously…because we’ve been there
- We know living in a sexless marriage is serious…and so is showing your kids what a healthy affectionate relationship looks like
- A lack of intimacy of all kinds is serious now and for the long term health of your marriage
- We believe your personal emotional strength and well-being is serious
- We seriously show up 110% to our conversations with you and expect you to be as serious as we are about changing your life
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$69 Monthly Subscription: Join Dan and I in our Men’s Roundtable Group Coaching membership. We meet three times per month for live group coaching and we support you in a powerful group of men facing the same issues you are. Get instant access to 5 years of recorded sessions. Try it for one month. What have you got to lose?
$397 One-Time Payment: How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a self-paced course with me, Tim Wade, and a community of men learning how to lead when you’ve just heard, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” or “I want to separate or divorce.”
As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
