How to Feel Connected When Your Marriage Is Struggling
I was in a goofy mood when I sat down to write this newsletter.
I had been getting some really cool stuff in the mail.
I mean personal stuff wrapped in packages by other people.
Not Amazon boxes. Personal packages. Brown paper, tape and magic marker type packages!
I get a warm feeling knowing other people would take the time to send me stuff.
Old fashioned? Maybe. But it feels good.
In the old days you would have to cut out a form from a magazine or off a cereal box and send away for stuff. And then they would send stuff back!
I feel a little guilty I didn’t send away anything to earn the stuff people sent me.
And when I got this cool West Ham United football (soccer) cap from a friend in England, it made me want to talk more about that. (and I promised him I would wear it on a video)
So, I did. Watch the video below,
Giving and Getting
I think there’s a broader message here.
We talk about it all the time in our private Facebook groups.
Whenever someone says, “I’m not getting enough!”, we always ask, “What have you been giving?”
Most men in a struggling relationship can agree on a few things they want MORE of.
They want more appreciation. More affection. More passion. More fun. More respect. More connection. More trust.
That’s the stuff that makes relationships really worthwhile.
But one thing I’ve learned to be an important – and probably ancient – TRUTH is this:
We can only receive what we want to the extent that we are giving it.
If you’re anything like me, you might be a DOER.
A DOER does things. And he thinks that by “doing” things he will get want he wants in return.
He goes to work, makes money, fixes cars, mows the lawn and DOES just about anything he needs to in order to GET what he wants.
But that stuff isn’t a “fair trade” for more appreciation, affection, passion and fun!
The only way to create more of that stuff in a relationship is to be cool, calm and consistent in giving that stuff.
So, the question becomes, “What are you giving away lately?”
I know. It’s a weird conundrum. Sometimes the last thing you want to do is give more when you feel starved for the things you want most.
The key is learning how to be OUTCOME INDEPENDENT and why it’s the liberating secret sauce to your daily sense of happiness.
It’s the hallmark of every happy, secure, mature, masculine man.
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- We take YOU and your struggles seriously…because we’ve been there
- We know being called needy is serious
- And we know a lack of clarity about how to change it is serious now and for your long term future happiness
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- We seriously show up 110% to our conversations with you and expect you to be as serious as we are about changing your life
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As Teddy Roosevelt said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
Stop keeping score and learn how to give without losing yourself.
Feeling starved for affection can make every kind gesture feel like another gamble. We help men stop chasing a return, get steady inside themselves, and bring warmth and connection into the marriage from a stronger place. You won’t be told to become a servant or pretend your needs don’t matter.
Talk to a coach →Q: How can I feel connected when my marriage is struggling?
A: You can feel more connected by giving the warmth, attention, and appreciation you want to experience without making every gesture a test. That doesn’t guarantee an instant response from your wife. It changes the way you show up, removes some of the pressure between you, and helps you stop measuring the marriage after every interaction.
Q: What does giving and getting mean in a marriage?
A: Giving and getting means you often receive emotional connection in proportion to how freely you create it. Doing chores and paying bills matter, but they don’t automatically produce affection, passion, or fun. Those things grow when you bring appreciation, playfulness, kindness, and real interest into the relationship instead of treating your effort like an unpaid invoice.
Q: Why don’t working hard and doing chores make my wife more affectionate?
A: Working hard and doing chores don’t automatically create affection because practical effort and emotional connection aren’t the same currency. Providing for your family matters, and so does fixing what breaks. But your wife may still miss warmth, laughter, attention, and a man who enjoys being with her without silently waiting to collect a reward.
Q: How do I give more when I already feel ignored and rejected?
A: You give from choice, not from desperation or a hidden deal. Start small enough that you don’t betray yourself. Offer a sincere compliment, bring lighter energy into the room, or show interest without fishing for reassurance. Giving more doesn’t mean accepting endless rejection. It means deciding who you want to be before you know what you’ll get back.
Q: What does outcome independent mean in a marriage?
A: Being outcome independent means doing what matches your character without needing your wife to react a certain way for you to feel okay. You can invite connection, offer affection, and create fun while allowing her response to belong to her. Your mood no longer rises and falls according to whether each attempt works immediately.
Q: Am I being used if I keep giving and get nothing back?
A: You’re being used only when you abandon your judgment, keep overgiving from fear, and tolerate a one-sided arrangement you know is wrong for you. Outcome independence isn’t endless sacrifice. You still notice patterns, speak honestly, and make clear decisions. The difference is that you stop using every kind act as bait for affection or approval.
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