Each day I day talk to men on the hairy edge of making a decision.
They may be stuck in the “Limbo Land” of a marriage that is spiraling out of control with no resolution in sight.
Or they may feel trapped in a job or career that is sucking their soul out of their body on a daily basis.
Or they want to speak their truth to somebody so badly it’s eating them alive and keeping them in a dark, angry place.
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How do you make a hard decision?
How do you break free from the fear of outcome and the fear of someone’s reaction?
The answer is to simply make your NEXT decision. Just make it.
Just do it. Just say it. Just state exactly what you’re thinking and what you want.
The act of making a decision ALWAYS CREATES MOVEMENT IN SOME DIRECTION.
The frustration of indecision is caused by the fear that nothing will ever change. But if you decide to create movement…something will change. And if you decide to do nothing…nothing will change.
The most common challenge I hear is, “Yeah but what if the change I create is something WORSE than I’ve got right now?!”
My answer is, “Really? You’re absolutely miserable right now and you’re afraid of being more miserable?”
We are the creators of our own misery.
The decision to not make a decision or to change our circumstance is a decision to stay in our current state.
There is usually some hidden benefit we get by deciding to stay in our current state. We get to blame someone. Or we get to stay in certain misery instead of uncertain happiness.
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Eight days ago my brother made the hardest decision of his life. He stewed for 10 years. He had many reasons for not making a decision.
But he finally had enough. Find out more in the video below:
The point here is that when you have a really, really tough decision to make that you’re agonizing over, that you’re analyzing and you’re finding yourself paralyzed by it, where you wake up every morning pissed at yourself for not making a decision and you wish you could just make a damn decision, but you need more data, you need more reassurance, you need more certainty…you need something!
Well, sometimes you get to a place where you know that no matter what happens after you make a decision, you’re going to be able to figure it out.
We talk a lot about confidence and often I ask the men I speak to when I’m coaching them, “Do you have some level of confidence that no matter what happens, you’re going to somehow figure it out?”
There’s a book that Dr. Henry Cloud wrote called Necessary Endings, and in it he says that, in life, sometimes we have to deliberately allow bad things to end before any good things can come along and take their place.
It’s a leap of faith.
Something I know for sure is that when a man makes a decision, he creates kinetic energy..momentum…movement. When you make a decision, all of a sudden, things move. Whenever you make a decision, something breaks loose.
It could be something you need to say to your wife or something you want to say to your boss, but staying quiet, mulling around living in fear, and worrying about the worst possible outcome is almost always worse than making a decision.
I always say “no decision is permanent.”
So make a decision.
You can always make another decision.
My business partner Tim Wade just got back from a vacation with his ex wife and daughters.
He made a decision to get divorced, but he is still seeing her and they slept together in a king sized bed – they’re having a fine time.
One thing Mark Drezga, one of my coaches said recently was, “The decision to divorce is no more an indicator of the end of your marriage than the decision to get married was for a lifetime of love.”
Every decision you make, just requires another decision.
So when you have the toughest decision of your life to make – make your next best decision. Move into it boldly, and then see what happens.
“Without the ability to end things, people stay stuck, never becoming who they are meant to be, never accomplishing all that their talents and abilities should afford them.” ~ Dr. Henry Cloud, Necessary Endings
A friend told me to read the book Necessary Endings during my divorce 7 years ago. At first I was pissed off at the casual suggestion that “some things just need to end”.
But I’ve learned it doesn’t necessarily mean your marriage needs to end.
What normally needs to end are the established patterns of thinking, speaking and behaving.
What needs to end is our chronic level of fear caused by insecurity and emotional immaturity. This applies to both sides of a relationship.
I’ve learned when a man DECIDES to begin working on his own dysfunctional thinking and behavior, other things start changing immediately.
In other words, when you DECIDE to make clear, deliberate changes in yourself…everything around starts to change to.
And THAT is the movement we need to start feeling like we have more confidence and control in our life than ever before.
And that is a feeling of liberation. The boulder falls off your shoulders just like my brother said in the video.
It’s a feeling of freedom to start creating something brand new.
If you want to become a man who wants to start creating something brand new in your life, we want to help you get there. Come and join us – get involved with this amazing community of men that Dan and I are creating. We guarantee you will get a shift in perspective and feel a whole lot better by the end of your first conversation.
The Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable is a powerful collection of men from around the world working together to transform themselves and their relationships. Dan Dore and I lead this community with 5 other professional coaches. We have live coaching video calls twice per month. The camaraderie in this group is something missing from the lives of too many men in the world.
Our online course How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a deep and intense dive into handling yourself when you hear, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” Tim Wade and I host monthly live Q&A calls with all the students in this course which includes many other bonuses as well. Find out more here.
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
What if this next year everything changed for you?
That’s what we want for you brother.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.
