The Secret to Showing Her it’s Safe to Come Back to Your Marriage
What does your wife know that YOU know? Find out how this powerful concept builds trust and safety for her.
The crowd laughed nervously as they watched a demonstration that would likely end in death.
One of the world’s most revered and accomplished horse communicators (aka Horse Whisperer), Marty Marten, was showing them how to get a young, frightened, aggressive mare into a trailer. It was a narrow, two-horse, straight loading “shotgun” trailer ” the worst possible option for this demonstration.
It was certain Marty would fail and possibly die in the process.
Having seen Marty teach men and women his secrets over the years, I gave him at least 50-50 odds.
Running and pulling frantically at the end of the rope, the mare’s eye’s bulged with fear and mistrust. But Marty was unaffected. His gentle voice and soft hands guided her through a number of small requests designed to help her relax and trust him. As her eyes softened Marty guided her toward the trailer and invited her to put just one foot inside. The crowd gasped as she suddenly BLEW UP and ran away again throwing a kick at Marty’s head. Breathing heavily she glared at him with defiant eyes.
She was beginning to sweat. It was only five minutes into the demonstration and the crowd had doubts. Some decided to leave. They had already given up on the impossible.
Marty continued his calm, deliberate approach over and over. He smiled at the mare and spoke gently. He responded to her every reaction with purposeful intent. Marty seemed to know something that nobody in the crowd knew.
At the 20 minute mark, an eternity for most people, something amazing happened. The mare put one foot in the trailer. Then one foot out. Then two feet in. And two feet out. Marty continued allowing her to learn at her own pace that she could enter and leave the trailer. She was safe. She became relaxed.
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The crowd, now half its original size, erupted in applause when Marty stood inside the trailer with the happy mare softly stroking her neck.
She had found safety and relaxation. She found it in the trailer with Marty and she was happy to be there.
A woman in the crowd yelled out her burning question.
“Marty, HOW in the world did you do that!? Nobody thought that horse was going in that trailer.”
In his typical “less is more” style, Marty answered, “There are two reasons she went into the trailer. First, I knew beyond any doubt in my mind that she would go in. Second, she knew that I knew that.”
The woman beamed and nodded as if she instantly knew what he meant.
He continued, “I know how much I respect and admire her. I know why she is unsure and distrustful. I know how her fear feels. I know how she was abused a year ago. And I know how she needs me to treat her in order to relax and trust me. All I needed to do was provide her what she needed and she would go in the trailer on her own ” on her terms. She knew that I knew she would be safe and happy in the trailer.”
Another man said, “I can’t believe you did it in only 20 minutes.”
Marty replied, “And yet half of the crowd has left. When you don’t know what you’re doing, it’s easy to get impatient and give up.”
I had a men’s retreat at my little ranch recently and a man made an observation during my “empathy demonstration” with Chief, my 24 year old Appaloosa. This video will give you an idea of what I mean.
He said, “You know sometimes I’m the one who feels like the horse. Some days I’m scared. I want to be understood. I want my wife to calmly reassure me and help me relax. I want to know that SHE knows we’re okay and that I’m okay. I want to know that SHE understands and wants to meet my needs.”
“That sounds awesome” I replied. “I want a woman like that too. All of us deserve women like that.”
Another man named Allen said, “Yeah, I want my wife to “whisper me” sometimes too. But from what I’m seeing it goes both ways. It’s like we’re at a standoff waiting for the other to take the reins”.
I asked Allen, “When it comes to your wife, what do you think she knows YOU know?”
He was silent for about 30 seconds which felt like an eternity to the other men waiting for his answer.
He finally said, “I’ve never said this out loud before, so it feels weird. I think my wife knows that I know I’m afraid of her. She knows that I question my love for her and if we’ll last. She knows that I’m terrified of losing her. She knows that I need her to make me feel good about myself and that I don’t know how to respond to her when she is upset or angry. She knows I’m not sure how to give her what she wants to feel from me. She knows that I’m feeling like giving up.”
Another man, who is in the middle of a divorce, put a hand on Allen’s shoulder and said, “So what are you going to do about what she knows, bro?”
One of the biggest challenges in our relationships is knowing where we stand, what we believe and who we will be. Our partners will always reflect what they experience with us. We need to learn how to show up with clarity, confidence and love. When we are unclear, uncertain and uncommitted our partners have no choice but to react accordingly.
The lessons Marty Marten gave in this story apply equally to husbands and wives. My work with men is to help them powerfully show up to the world and with women so they can confidently create the life and love they deserve.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.
If you want to learn more about how to take a bigger step toward being a clear-headed, confident man of action, then find out more here. I would be thrilled to help you get there – our first discovery call is always free and always gives you a BIG boost of confidence.
You WILL become a clearer, stronger, more confident man only through other men. Your woman cannot take you there – and she doesn’t WANT to…trust me on that.
Q: What does “what she knows that I know” actually mean in a marriage?
A: It means your wife feels your inner certainty—or your doubt—before you ever speak. She senses whether you believe in the relationship, in yourself, and in her safety with you. When you’re unclear, afraid, or uncommitted inside, she knows it. And she reacts to that energy.
Q: Why does my wife seem tense or guarded even when I’m trying to reassure her?
A: Because reassurance without inner conviction doesn’t land. Like the horse in the trailer, she needs to feel that you know she’s safe, respected, and wanted. If you’re secretly afraid, unsure, or seeking validation, she feels that instead—and stays guarded.
Q: How does my internal fear affect her sense of trust and safety?
A: When you’re afraid of conflict, abandonment, or her emotions, she experiences you as unstable. Not weak—but uncertain. Women relax when a man knows who he is, what he believes, and that he can handle what comes up. Fear inside you creates vigilance inside her.
Q: Why does clarity matter more than effort in building trust?
A: Because effort without clarity feels chaotic. Marty didn’t force the horse—he knew the outcome and stayed calm. In relationships, clarity creates safety. When you know your values, your intentions, and your commitment, she can relax into connection instead of testing you.
Q: What does it look like to show up with calm confidence instead of fear?
A: It looks like patience, steadiness, and emotional leadership. You stop rushing outcomes. You don’t collapse when she’s upset. You respond instead of react. She feels that you’ve got this—even when things are hard. That’s what builds trust and attraction.
Q: How do I change what my wife “knows” about me?
A: By changing what you know about yourself. Get clear on your values, your commitment, and the man you choose to be—regardless of her reactions. When you believe in your ability to lead with love and strength, she will feel it without needing proof.
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