How To Respond To Abuse Or Emasculation From Your Wife
I received a challenge today by a long term member in our community.
He’s been working hard on becoming stronger, more confident and less reactive. He’s taking the high road and has stopped his own outbursts and angry, defensive arguing tactics.
Yet, his wife continues to “attack” him.
Here is his exact question. (he gave me permission to share without names)
“Hi Steve,
This has been bothering me for a while and I’m hoping to get a better perspective.
In [a YouTube video] you describe how a Mountain Lion or 007 man takes nothing personally.
His wife’s outbursts are like water off a duck’s back. And that speaks to his confidence and self assurance and ultimately Great Man energy.
My issue is this: Isn’t condoning these outbursts and character assassinations delivered by your significant other counter productive? Is our role as a Great Man to grin and bear abuse of this sort because “women do that and you can’t take it personally.”? So a man’s role is simply to be her emotional sounding board?
That doesn’t gel with my instincts for natural justice. However, I am acutely aware as a soon to be HDM (Happily Divorced Man) that I may be hyper-sensitive to what many may call this “toxic” or “abusive” behavior.
And if so, why would any self respecting man tolerate it? For sex? Companionship? Intimacy? How can you have any of that if you are being verbally castrated on the daily?
Again, I feel I’m missing something.”
Here’s my 7 minute answer.
Here’s an old saying I can’t stand.
If you can’t accept me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best! (In the video I said that backwards)
To which I like to say:
Well, if I can’t accept you at your worst, maybe you shouldn’t be so freakin’ horrible.
It is important you know where the line is between being emotionally available, empathetic and supportive and being a 24/7 emotional whipping post.
Here is my email reply to his questions:
I am not asking men to condone anything. I’m not saying that men should accept poor treatment or abuse. I’m not saying that it is manly to ignore when someone has totally crossed your boundaries for what you want in your life and your expectations for a healthy relationship.
There is a critical order to things here.
Step one is to eliminate the anxiety, anger and fear and overreaction when somebody else is “attacking us”. We must become fearless, curious, emotionally strong and mature when other people, including our partners, are being destructive and unhealthy. At this stage, you have to know at your core that your life will be fantastic, no matter what. Even if she chooses to not be in it in a healthy way.
And that means that you must become healthy, secure and confident first before step two. The next step is where you begin teaching other people how to treat you.
Step two is not about imposing justice or putting somebody in their place. It’s not about “tolerating” anything. Step two is about defining your expectations and asking her to join you at a much higher place of connection. Step two is absolutely refusing to encourage or support her bad behavior in direct ways, including telling her exactly what you want her to do better and what you expect for your marriage. This may require you to step out of the room leave the house or leaving the relationship if she is absolutely opposed to being part of the solution.
Until a man achieves step one he is not ready for step two.
It’s easy to stop at step one and just take it and put up with bad behavior and just roll over. Don’t do that.
If you are a healthy and confident man, somebody who verbally castrates you would find themselves in a very lonely place in a very short time. It’s a natural consequence of any self-respecting, confident man standing up for what he wants for his life and relationship.
How about you, brother?
How would it feel to be self-respecting, confident man every day you wake up?
Want to create a different relationship with the woman in your life?
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“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
Q: What’s wrong with Red Pill ideology for men?
A: The Red Pill tells men what to think, not how to think. It feeds fear, resentment, and the illusion of control. Real masculine strength doesn’t come from blaming women — it comes from understanding your own thoughts, emotions, and choices. That’s how you stop being a victim of life and start leading it.
Q: Is there anything useful about the Red Pill movement?
A: Some Red Pill content can offer perspective on male-female dynamics — but most of it gets twisted by fear. Healthy awareness becomes toxic when it turns into cynicism. The goal isn’t to “protect yourself from women,” but to grow secure enough to love without fear of losing yourself.
Q: How is Goodguys2Greatmen different from Red Pill communities?
A: We don’t teach men to distrust women — we teach men to trust themselves. We don’t build strength through anger or superiority. We build it through self-awareness, emotional mastery, and compassion. GG2GM isn’t about winning over women; it’s about winning back your own calm, confidence, and clarity.
Q: Why do so many men get drawn into Red Pill thinking?
A: Because pain looks for certainty. When a man feels rejected, betrayed, or powerless, Red Pill ideology gives him simple villains and easy answers. But strength isn’t found in blame. It’s found in facing your fears, owning your part, and choosing growth over bitterness.
Q: What should I focus on instead of Red Pill rules?
A: Focus on your thinking. Learn how your thoughts create your emotions and reactions. When you master that, no ideology can hijack your peace. Real masculinity is about self-control, emotional grounding, and creating safety in yourself — not trying to decode or control women.
Q: How can I rebuild trust and connection after Red Pill burnout?
A: Start by softening. Let go of “us versus them.” Most women — like most men — are just doing their best with what they know. When you dissolve fear and resentment, compassion comes back. That’s when love, respect, and genuine attraction can grow again.
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