When men first reach out for help they are almost always feeling immense fear and pain…and they want to FIX that fear and pain right now!
All of the sudden your reality has changed and you don’t like it.
You thought that the story was going to go one way and now it has made a terrible turn.
She wants space. She wants freedom. She wants to feel connection. She wants to feel alive. She wants to find herself. She wants to escape some vaguely defined prison of anxiety and pressure.
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And apparently it’s all your fault.
This is when a man will want to talk with me about FIXING things – quickly.
He wants to fix himself, fix her and fix the marriage so the fear and pain will go away and everything can go back to being just like it was supposed to be.
When I explain the reality of what is in front of him he gets nervous.
I explain that he has no control over her feelings or her decisions.
I explain that the final outcome of his marriage is out of his hands.
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And when I explain that the BEST CHANCE to fix anything is to start with fixing himself he will ask:
“Yeah but, what if I become a better man and she STILL leaves me?!”
Think about that for a minute.
What’s going on in his head here?
This is the most common mistake men make when trying to save their marriage.
They want to know:
“What if this doesn’t WORK?!”
What’s the matter with this line of thought?
Watch this video for a deeper dive into why this is stinkin’ thinkin’.
When a man firsts contacts us for coaching and we explain what he can expect to get from working with us, he often says…
“What if I go ahead with this personal growth work and I get to know who I really am and what I truly want to experience in the next 30 years and how valuable I am as a man in my relationship, as a father, as a man in the world – what if I do that and my marriage still ends…?”
What if she doesn’t find this new me attractive?
What if she still wants to leave?
What if she doesn’t respond at all…?
You can already tell where I’m going with this, right?
He’s worrying about the wrong things.
There’s no such thing as saving the relationship that he’s in. The one that he’s trying to save is the one he doesn’t want. The old version of the marriage is version 1.0, it was created by a version 1.0 of him a version 1.0 of her and until both of them decide that they’re going to become version 2.0’s of each other, there’s never going to be a new version of the marriage.
He has to let version 1.0 go and any expectation of fixing or saving that by doing the work on himself that he’s going to do.
The problem with the word “works” is that he’s looking for an outside measure. He’s looking for outside validation or some result or consequence that shows him that he’s doing the right things.
To create version 2.0 of himself and become a confident, happy, calm, stable, grounded, centered man who knows exactly who he is, what he expects of himself, what he wants in life, and where he’s going.
To become that man, he has to KNOW that he will become that man NO MATTER what happens. He has to be totally detached from the outcome of what’s going on in his relationship.
If all he wants to do is save the current version of his marriage, he shouldn’t do this self development work – actually I love to call it “self adventure” because that’s what it really is – an adventure of the most fulfilling kind you’ve ever experienced.
I believe this so much that I’ll even tell guys not to read or watch my content or my website if they believe that the correct measure of happiness and wellbeing is saving the current version of the relationship they have right now.
This is because the measures that he needs are internal.
If he wants to be happy – that will be measured internally.
If he wants to be grounded and calm and confident – that’s an internal measurement.
This is one of the most important things we teach in our coaching – to understand the value of internal measurements instead of seeking confirmation from outside indicators such as validation and approval. These are results outside of your control that somehow tells you that THIS STUFF is working.
So whenever I hear the word “working”, I know that the guy is heading off down the wrong way of thinking.
The only way you know that this kind of work is working for you, is when you start FEELING calmer, when you start feeling more clear in your head about where you’re going and what you’re creating in your life. You know you don’t have control over her actions, her thoughts and her emotions, you know you don’t have control over the final consequences and results of your relationship – you don’t have control over that.
In fact, the harder you try to control it and grasp onto the external indicators, the worse things get – every single time.
So if you’re going to get involved in this work, I want you to understand that this word “working” is not the right word.
How do you know if it works or if it’s working?
The ONLY way you know is by the way you feel.
So let me ask YOU a question.
What if you knew that you were going to feel calm, clear headed, grounded, very centered in yourself, very clear about who you are, what you believe, why you believe it, what you want, how you’re going to create it and where you’re going.
What if you had that?
What if you knew that that was where you were going?
Would you worry anymore about whether or not this was working…?
The problem with the question, “What if it doesn’t work?” is this.
When you decide to become more confident, calmer, clearer and grounded in your own sense of value and well being…there is nothing that needs to “work”.
That IS the work. The measure of your work is not in the outcome of your marriage, her desire for you or any other EXTERNAL result over which you have no control.
You decide to become this man because it’s important to you no matter what.
And here’s the other thing we don’t get at first.
There is NO WAY the older version of you stands a chance of attracting her back into a relationship. Panic, pleading, promising, pressuring and demanding will only make things worse.
The reality is that your future is uncertain.
But you can create certainty in how you respond and how you choose to THINK about this whole process.
And your first thought needs to be:
“F*ck this. I’m going to become the very best, strongest and most attractive version of myself no matter what. I want that for me regardless of the outcome.”
Now THAT attitude will serve you well. I guarantee it.
What happens when you read that? What do you FEEL right after saying that out loud?
It’s liberating. The knot in your gut loosens just a touch.
It’s empowering.
You begin to see that even in the discomfort of uncertainty and an unpredictable outcome in your marriage…you get to create your own certainty.
This realization is the core message in all of my coaching programs and retreats.
When you finally get on this track, your inner peace returns and your mojo shoots up and to the right.
We would love to help you become so clear in where you’re headed and who you are becoming as a man that you no longer fear the outcomes of your behavior. In fact you know that who you are being WILL create the life you want to live.
What if this next year everything changed for you?
That’s what I want for you brother,
Come and join us, either through 1-on-1 coaching with my colleague Dan Dore or me, or in our group coaching program with other amazing men who are travelling the same path as you right now in our Men’s Live Coaching Roundtable where we will help you re-find the confident, attractive man you know yourself to be.
Find out more about our Roundtable live coaching program here. There’s an amazing tribe of guys in this group with us, supporting and helping each other through this process of growth and self realization.
We love teaching men these tools – how to be better, how to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want and how to CREATE it in your life through our Masculine Confidence coaching programs.
Dan and I are here to guide you on this mission.
If you want to become a man who knows and trusts himself to create the life and love he wants, apply for a free consultation call with me or Dan. I guarantee you’ll feel a whole lot better by the end of our talk.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage.
